Realer than real

5. Bad liars.

"Funny you're the broken one,
But I'm the only one who needed saving.
Cause when you never see the light,
It's hard to know which one of us is caving."

                                        -Stay, Rihanna.

I used to think that you were made of glass, you made it look like you were made of glass. I had one idea, to shield you from any harm that might occur, to privent your pain at any cost, and it cost too much you know, the price was too expensive, I know because I paid it my flesh and tears. I paid it my soul, my joy, my own youth. Even when I wasn't any tougher than you were. If you were glass, I might have been winter frost. But I still chose to protect you, it was my choice, a choice you on the other hand couldn't make.
I made it my job to keep your smile, your smile that I loved so much but you chose to gift elsewhere.
It was then that I understood: you don't have to own much or be much to show your love for someone, it's enough that you do all you can with what you have. I jumped right in, with all I had and didn't have, but you didn't do the same. That's the difference between us. I loved you, anywhere, anytime, anyhow. You loved me when it was convinient.

It was days after your first "confession" that it hit me. What a terrible terrible sin I have committed. Not against you, not against her but against myself. Tell me, is there anything more dreadful in the world than saying I love you to the person you've been looking after for so long and have to apologize for it right after? To disown your own heart while in it's the most volunerable. And for whom? For you and for her. A girl I didn't even know,  a girl I was supposed to hate but instead felt sorry for, felt guilty for, a guilt that took me a while to understand wasn't even mine. It was yours. What kind of sick messed up plot that could lead into such drama?
That was the first time. That was the first time I, not hated you, I was still too brainwashed to hate you, not discover you, I knew you all along, it was just the first time that it hit me. How little you're willing to give for me. No more than three pathetic words. And I realised how little could these three words mean when they only have other empty words to stand for, only orphin feelings, no actions to sustain, and I hated you, I couldn't look at you. And I hated me, I couldn't look at me. Then I hated you cause you wouldn't look at me.
I did everything for you, everything that I could ever possibly do for anyone in the world. Yet you were not ready to do the only thing you had to be with me. You said you couldn't make a choice but darling, I think you did, the very first time you saw me hurting and did nothing to stop it. Someone had to hurt anyway and you let it be me. You got to loose someone and if you weren't ready for it to be her, then it had to be me.
Had I been in your place? I would've gave up the world with every single soul on it for you. And there I found my answer: If you cannot choose me then I cannot choose you back.

Look at me in the eyes again and tell me this wasn't planned. That this all was inevitable, that it was stronger than you, that it wasn't a "cruel intentions" game. That you loved me, but just had to choose her or as you put it, not make a choice at all. What I couldn't make you understand then is that no choice is also a choice.
But then I have to ask myself the same questions, look at me Reeney, look at me in the eyes and tell me that you actually thought that he wasn't with her when he spent all his time with you, tell me you actually believed she was gone, tell me you didn't just think that you'd take him regardless. 

You big liar. We big liars, oh how much we lied to each other, to ourselves.

Truth is, we should've stopped, me, you, both of us, we were so bad. We deserved all of it.

____________

Did you enjoy this chapter? I hope you did!
Please don't forget to click on the VOTE button on the left side of your screen for support, and leave a comment down bellow, I welcome all criticism.
Thank you so much!