Realer than real

6. Half.

"I love you like certain dark things are to be loved. In secret, between the shadow and the soul."

-Pablo Neruda.

"You're like the female version of Sebastian! "
"...."
"Wait, you're not his girlfriend, are you?"
". . I'm not."
"Good. Cause I'd hate to be hitting on my friend's girlfriend haha"

You've never heard of that one before, have you? No, because I haven't told you. I could never bring myself to tell you how hard it was for me to never be able to claim you as mine. How important it was for me. For the rest of the world we were nothing but friends, or maybe less, nothing that could stick to head, nothing of particular, nothing of heavy weight, nothing important, nothing at all. And it hurt. The disowning hurt. The invalidation hurt. The darkness hurt.

I tried to mention it though, I'd suddenly start ignoring you, or sulking around, and I wouldn't explain why, and you wouldn't understand or you would but pretend not to.
Do you think I didn't realise how pathetic it was? I knew it but I had no other way, Seb. You left me no other choice. I knew you were talking to her when you were with me. And I wondered, were you telling her the same words you were telling me? Were you caressing her heart the same way you were doing mine? Were you loving her the same?
When I'd really corner you, you would say something bad about her, like it's not important, like you don't love her, like you'd choose me everytime. But your words never matched your actions, or feelings. I could feel it, you know. When you two were together, I knew it, because you seemed distant. Occaisonally, when you'd talk about someone pissing you off, I knew it too, that you two had a fight. You were childlike, never able to hide your feelings. But when I asked, you'd never give a clear answer.
So I had to do it that way, like an already lost battle. That little nagging was all the fight I could put in and I had to take it however it came.

"This is it, I'm leaving, this isn't fair to me, to her, to you or anyone. I need to go."

"Please Ney, don't do this. Just give me some time. Please, you know I can't live without you, I swear I will die"

"Well I'm sure you'll manage. Tell me what would you do in my place Seb? What would you do if you knew I was with someone else other than you? What would you do?"

"Don't do this to me Ney.."

"You know, it's unfair, I can't even think of it, it hurt me to even think of being with someone other than you, it kills me to think I would even think of someone other than you. But you! You're doing it and you're just fine!"

"I'm not fine. I'm not fine Ney. I swear to you that it's killing me. That's why I'm ignoring it. I can't even think of it.'

"If its killing you then Fix it!"

"It's stronger than me Ney. You don't understand."

"Goodbye."

I envied her. Very often, I envied her so badly. She was on the opposite side of the spectrum. Not having the slightest idea about your disloyalty. And I am stuck here between you, her and me. Supposed to think reasonably when there's no place left for reason. Supposed to shut my ears to your pleading, my heart to its own pleading, and stand against all of these odds pulling me to make a dicision. Make a dicision on my own. In which I am the only one at loss. A dicision that will tear me up to pieces no matter how. Can you just see how cruel is the situation you put me in?
How could I have fallen in love with such an insensitive bastard like you sebstian?

I put up so much with your shit that it ruined us, I shouldn't have.
I remember our very first conversation, it was so random, so spontaneous, I told You I was cutting someone off, a seven years old friendship because we had this pull and off for a while now and I don't like it. I was so easy and lighthearted about it that you looked almost perplexed. You looked at me with a smile and said: "Wow! You really dont like to keep things hanging huh?" I said "No, I don't take things by halves."

How did you feel after discovering what a big liar I was? Or what a big coward. Bending all my rules for you. Seeing me take you by the halves, by the bits, by whatever you give me. Oh I took you by the halves until it cut me into halves of halves.

Sometimes I imagined you smirking from distance, making fun of me, musing on my sick loyalty. And I hated you for it.
How could I have fallen in love with such an insensitive bastard like you sebstian?

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