Realer than real

7. Ocean.

It's been almost two weeks since I've heard anything from you, I'm sick worried by now.
What could it be? Could you be sick? Did you need a break? Are you cutting me off? Why would you do that, only the day before you disappeared I could swear we were the happiest people on earth. Still, I wouldn't say you had no reason to think of cutting me off though, but not when you were the one insisting on keeping this! Why would you change your mind? Have I, by any chance done anything wrong? Or is it just one of your usual episodes? I think about all the horrible things you sometimes say about yourself.. Could it be? The one second it takes for the dreadful thought to cross my mind leaves me terrified to the core and I feel the blood cold, stagnant in my veines.
I think about contacting one of your friends, not that they'd know, you always kept everyone shut away, I thought you might be so angry that you would never speak to me again if you found out though, so I don't.

How did it feel? To you I mean, seeing my texts and just throwing your phone away without a second glance as I imagined it happened. How were your feeling that same moment when I was feeling my chest tear up from so much pain. Oh! We were indeed millions of years apart from each other, you were so careless and I cared about everything way too much. Such combination could never work, not in a million years. How could I not see it back then?
Two days later, I cried myself to sleep each night, I had nightmares about you, in my nightmares, you look at me in such an ice cold dreadful way, so cold I wake up grunting my teeth. In my nightmares, you always leave me and go with someone else. And I sit there, and smile as if it were nothing, or talk to someone while my attention is on you, while I die inside. It's such a heart-break, my nightmares were nothing but my dire reality. Where do you hide when your worst demons follow you to sleep?

And here you are again, like nothing happened, but I'm so mad at you, you start saying something about how last few days have been hard on you, but I'm too angry to pretend like nothing happened and try to cheer you up like I always do, I yell at first, then I ignore you, then you utter something like an appology, and I know You mean it, you don't want to make me sad, but it's the less bitter choice of two, and I know this is not going to be the last time it happens. I find it hard to forgive you, for not changing for me, not even when it's something as easy as not disappearing on me without a word. But you know you'll win, and I know I'll end up taking you for whoever you are. I can almost hear you say, this is all you get, take it or leave it, yet that's how you'd never put it, instead you let me hear exactly what I want to hear, to make sure that I take it, and I take it and I carry on.
You were so powerful, you played on my most intense needs, the almost invisible strings of my heart, strings I, myself wasn't able to see, but you pulled them, on the right time, the right way.
Oh you were so powerful, so smart, so manipulative! Years have passed and I'm still in awe.

The day after that was my birthday, I waited for your text. It didn't come, I still waited. It still didn't come, I still waited but it never came. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried all the tears I had in my body, all the years I had in my memory. I cried. Until I felt my heart almost come through my throat. Until it wasn't water that I was crying but something heavy, dark, acid. It burned and it burdened and it darkened.

I wondered where did it all come from. I wondered if your presence in me was nothing at all but salty water. When I made myself stop crying. I felt like the ocean in its peacefulness after the storm had passed, wide, vague and silent as emptiness itself. And just like the ocean after its rage, I felt like ejecting all my creatures. Like ejecting you out of me.
That night, you broke something in me that could never be made whole again, something came undone that could never be put together again. There was a vacancy instead in my heart where you used to be.

Only then, I could see you with all of your million faces, the ones I loved you for, the ones I hated you for, the ones that scared me, the ones that reassured me. I saw them all and acknowledged them all. And in that acknowledgement, I could finally refuse you.
And this time when I tell you good-bye, I know it's for good. I'm not coming back.

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We're getting closer to the end of the story. Did you enjoy this chapter? I hope you did!
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