"Why should I live alone mom?"
asked the boy who was sitting in his mom's embrace.
"Because your destiny has been predistined like this."
oh..
He wanted to laugh.What destiny?what she was talking about?
"You ruin your own life inseong-ah.this is what has been chosen for you."
His eyes became sad.He stared at an unknown point.
"Mom..I curse my future."
**
I was thinking about my future since I've been a teenanger.
I grew up,thinking about how I could change my destiny but it got worse.
I saw people who was more unfortunate.
Some of them fell in love and their lovers left.
I fell in love and she left.
others were poor..
I got poor for a while.
I could do nothing.I was just absorbing peoples' unfortunate.
Without I want I was making my future.
I never visited an psychologist.No one could help me.
I was a monster to myself.
And a monster didn't deserve living.
**
I watched the boy.He didn't want to let go of his lovers hand.
She would die anyway but why was he so stubborn?
"I wonder why.."
I breathed out and turned off the tv.
I didn't want to think for today But I already was.
I had decided not to think a long time ago but I was still thinking.
I knew that I make my future with thinking.
I looked at the clock.I had an hour left to go to work.
I got ready and left the house.
I was watching everyone who was in my way.
some of them were late and some of them were with their friends.
I wanted to know how having friend felt.
but I just wanted.
I didn't have any time for a friend.
I already had myself to call me monster.
I arrived at my office.They didn't pay me much.Why was I still working there?
"Kim inseong you're fired."
oh.It wasn't a suprise to me since I was thinking about getting fired a while.
I accepted without hesistation.
being free was more important.
Maybe that Way I could find a way to like myself.
I grabbed my bag and my box which was filled with my stuff abd left.
I walked to home.
I passed from the bridge.there was always someone to suicide.
what was fun about suiciding?
I didn't have the courage to do that.
but what if..it helped me get rid of making my future?
What I say is that getting rid of the power of making future is good..
I went back home and rested in front of tv.
making my future like dramas wasn't that bad.
I was watching tv for the rest of my day until someone knocked the door of my house.
Who could it be?I knew.
I opened the door unwillingly and stared at jaeyoon who was smiling at me widely.
"How are you hyung?I heard you got fired but you don't seem depressed~"Jaeyoon pushed me away and entered without permission.
It was no suprise.I would see him at least twice a day.
"and uh..Your house is clean as always."he breathed out and took a thoughful position.
"I'll be thankful if you don't make it a mess."I said and passed from him and sat on the couch.
"Aren't you hungry by the way?I'll make you food."he said with his cheerful voice and walked toward kitchen.
people liked him because he was bright.but no one knew how much i hated it.
I could do nothing but watch him as he was cooking.
He was humming a song I knew and with his voice..I liked it.
I couldn't deny it since I was honest with myself my whole life.
"Why are you here when you know I hate what you do for me?"
yeah..I said it.I've been thinking about it and now..I said it.
He stopped moving and turned his head around to look at me.
"because I like you hyung."
Ah..that couldn't be.it didn't feel good.
I wanted to be alone and he was here to give me those bullshit and say he loved me?
I stepped toward him.I had to answer him right?
I slapped him as hard as I could.
I didn't know I had no mercy to my cousing who was younger than me.
"h-hyung-"
another slap landed on his cheek.
I grabbed his hair harshly but I was still calm.
"what do you like about me?"I asked.
I could see how scared he was.He was shaking between my legs but his hands weren't stopping me.
"hyung please-"
I pulled his head close to me by his hair.
"Do you like a monster like me?"I smirked and pushed him on the floor and started kicking him.
Since when I could Hit him like that?
My dad was hitting me and my mom since I was little.
I was afraid to be like him.I always had the fear to be someone who hits people but now I understand.
I was as pathetic as my dad.
I saw how jaeyoon was trying to stop me but he couldn't.
I stopped as I became to myself.
It ended.it ended..my unfortunate ended since it appeared for half of an hour.
I knelt on the floor and put my hand on jaeyoon's shoulder.
he had been passed out.I was..a monster.
I stood up.I was uncontrolable.
I needed to be stopped.
I left the house and ran.I had tried to keep my calmness but I couldn't anymore.
I just kicked my cousin to death a minute ago so how the hell could I be the same?
I opened my eyes and looked at where I was standing.
Right..how I forgot that I thought about the bridge?
I was going to suicide.Even if this future was short but I had to end that there.
"Why didn't you help me god?"I looked at the dark sky.
"why was I miserable until now?"
I jumped.
I never believed in Heros.I mean,they just live in stories.I never had one.I always tried to pretent to be tough but I messed up.But at least I want you to know that,I'm sorry jaeyoon.I'm sorry that I disappointed you.You deserve someone better.I'm sorry for not loving you the way you did.You don't need a monster-
"hah...hah..hah.."
I feel my hands hurt.Someone's breathing heavily and I can hear it from there.
I open my eyes to see who was in front of me.
Jaeyoon?
there's no injury in his face and it makes me feel better.
I wonder why he has kept my hand tight.
he'd better let go.
oh.
I wondered why the guy in that drama had been holding his lover's hands so tight.
I knew but..
why..I don't know why..
Why is jaeyoon holding my hands like his life depends on saving me.
"Why don't you..let go?"I ask.
I'm starting to get worried since It's not like the future I thought about.
who is jaeyoon to ruin it?
he doesn't answer.he tries harder but our hands apart and I fall.
I think about him before I land on water.
I think About how he held me tight but I was going to die.
I fall on water and I close my eyes.
I never tried to keep him close.
I never tried to notice him but..but..
I feel someone held my arm and dragged me out.
"hyung..hyung..are you awake??answer!!please answer!!!"He begs.
jaeyoon jumped after me..
we're still in water but he has kept me in his embrace and doesn't let me go.
"please hyung..I'll die if you don't answer.."he sobs and it make my heart hurt.
I breath out and lean my head to his chest.
"I'm alive."Is all I say but it's enough for him to laugh between sobbing.
I smile a bit and hold my hands around his neck.
nothing ever felt this sweet.
**
*Nock Nock*
I opened the door and looked at jaeyoon who had the box of rings in his hands and a blue rose in the other hand.
He entered with a frown and put the box on the table madly.
"Why should I get the ring which you bough for your lovely girlfriend?"He asked and hit his foor to the floor.
"I wasn't in mood to go out myself."I smiled at his madness.
he was cute tho.
"Hyung..stop being this lazy ok?You have a girlfriend and you should care about her...even tho you met her after you give negative answer to me."He pouted and looked at the table which was prepared for my girlfriend and I was going to propose her.
"Jealous huh?"I smirked but he denyed so fast.
"not at all.I'll meet someone better than you and then you'll die in jealous!!"He laughed devilish.
he was such a kid.
I hugged him and made him lock his legs around my waist.
"What?You wanna hug me before your girlfriend arrives?"he asked and put his arms on my shoulders and leaned his chin to his hands which were on my shoulders.
"yeah.exactly before our realtionship changes."I answered and made him groans childish.
"bad hyung."He started moving in my embrace and made me lean to the table and sit him on the table.
"before I start to say anything I'll-"
I left a short but deep kiss on his lips.
"so lee jaeyoon."I smirked and held the box of rings in my hand.
"actually I have no girlfriend so you take responsbility."
I made him wear one of the rings and then I wore the other.
"and well you'll marry me anyway.congratulation chicken-ssi."
I looked at his shocked eyes.
He didn't expect it right?
"you're not serious,are you?"He asked quietly while his tears were falling on his cheeks.
I couldn't see him cry so I wiped his tears gently.
"I'm serious and you're my wife now."
"what the.."He frowned as he became to himself.
I forgot he couldn't be shocked for so long.
"you're not the wife??"He asked shocked.
what was he talking about?
"you're the wife babe.now come here."I cuddled him again and carried him to our bed.
But..I never thought of this future!
