IF THERE was anything to be said about me, it was how effortlessly I was able to switch from being a hopeless romantic to being cold and detached. My default setting is a hopeless romantic, of course, I loved the idea of courting and falling in love and, most of all; staying in love. On the other hand, I could step out of the feelings I had if things didn't work out, I could move on and forget about the happy moments before Pep could say, "Time is money."
I loved hard. I made sure that I was enough and that I amounted to certain expectations so when things didn't work out for a split fraction of a second I'll ask myself, "was my love not enough, did I ask for too much?" Then, as if the door flew open on an aeroplane and everything and everyone got sucked out hundreds of feet in the air, the feeling of not being enough vanishes; let's be honest, I am the shit. No toilet paper, of course.
I was realistic; nothing lasts forever but it doesn't stop me from loving with all my heart. Now that I was avoiding my heartbreak with this new money I was making there was no room for sadness. I had to be up and out and most of all, I had to be confident.
I might not be the standard beauty staple with my many facial blemishes but with the right fade and neatly trimmed eyebrows, I was in my element. So when I looked down at the gold chains in the brightly lit showcase, I knew that money was the key factor in my element. These days I never thought about if I could afford something, I always got what I wanted and never settled for the second-best or the cheaper option. I felt like I was living in a dream, my dream, of course, life was going all the right ways for me and I wouldn't have done anything differently.
It's been 2 months since I started working for Pep and things have been going smoothly. I got over my secret crush and seeing her didn't make me choke on my words anymore - albeit she was still fine like China and I still daydreamed of bussing it down for her but she was my boss and nothing more. I've come to accept that even though she still looks at me the same way she did the first morning she dropped me off and I still get nervous when she's standing too close to me; she'll never be mine.
I gave my aunt money for groceries and to help with the bills. I told her the only thing I had to do was to buy top-up to keep my phone running with data and then the grand idea to ask her to get WiFi for the house struck me, so I gave her money for that too. Was I going hard? No, it's not like I bought a car or anything and the only reason why I haven't was because I didn't have a license. I felt my phone beep in my pocket and I pushed up the brand new iPhone 8 Plus, which was given to me by my boss of course, and saw that Pep was calling.
"Hello, boss." I cheerfully said into the phone.
"Where are you?" Her voice was stern as always.
"I'm out having boba and watching the cruise ships." I took a sip of my drink and continued watching the tourists disembark from the large ships.
"I have something to talk to you about."
"Take me out for lunch." I knew better than to joke with her but the open waters gave me a confidence I never knew I had.
"I- No. Get to the Levine location in 30 minutes." Before I could answer, the call was disconnected.
I didn't object, it's not like I could anyway. Whenever she got bossy I just followed her orders - she was the one handing me my money every week. I never thought my life would make this unexpected turn but here I was and I couldn't deny that I was feeling the full bliss of financial freedom. I even sent money to my mom and she didn't question where I got it from since she was grateful for the help.
Even though I loved the life I was having here, I had a homesick feeling and I wanted to go back to Jamaica. I had to weigh out my pros and cons, go back home to sit in an office job where I was unhappy or stay here and have sex and be happy? Was I happy having sex with all these women? It was mentally exhausting for someone who loved physical and emotional connection but my love and want for money pushed all those feelings to the side.
