Pep stood in front of the floor length mirror absentmindedly staring at her nude body. Her gaze ran from the scar on her face to the gash on her thigh. Her come up wasn't easy but she had managed to make her name and secure a spot for herself in the male dominated game, she took the area from a man who everyone feared. Her story was much different from other women who made their way to the top; she didn't fuck her way nor did she start off as a prostitute. She lied, cheated, and killed men and women who doubted her and who tried to stop her rise.
She got the scar on her thigh first, she was lead into a trap by a man who she trusted enough to set up meetings for her. They were all there waiting for her in the room, the room where she was to have a meeting to discuss her getting shares in the cocaine dealings, this was supposed to be her startup.
Once she got there, everything seemed fine. They spoke about it and she even reduced the percentage she wanted to the one he was offering, she was new on the block so she couldn't ask for much without seeming presumption. The deal was about to close when he started making sexual advances to her, she tried to behave like she wasn't aware which seemed to only anger him.
He stood up and walked around his desk to stand beside her and she remembered the words that made the evening take a turn for the worst. They never left her, they stayed with her like the scar he created.
"So you think that because you dress like a man you're a man?"
Pep didn't answer him, she continued to stare forward with a lump forming in her throat. For the first time since coming to this country, she was deeply afraid.
With a hard slap across the face he shouted, "answer me you fucking whore. That's what all of you are good for; fucking. Let me remind you just in case you forgot."
Pep didn't have her dreads at the time, her hair was cut low into a faded tiny afro. He kicked her from the chair and his goons immediately ran up to hold her down by both arms, she fought as best as she could but when he took his knife out to cut her pants from her body she knew there was no getting out of this. Pep cried, she felt weak and vulnerable but with the last ounce of will in her body she kicked out her foot and the heel of her timberlands caught him in the chin. He rubbed at his jaw before stabbing the knife into Pep's thigh and dragging it down bursting skin,flesh, muscles and scrapping at bone, at least that's how it felt in the moment. She screamed until she couldn't hear herself anymore, the boss took her virginity and the goons took their turns violating her and beating her to a pulp.
She woke behind a dumpster the next day with the high funky scent of rotting garbage wafting up her nose. At least she was alive because in that moment she would've rather been dead, she didn't want to remember what they did to her body.
Pep took a long, deep sigh and ran her hand through her now long dreads. She looked into the mirror behind her reflection to see Tash's naked figure tangled up in the sheet. She was glad they found each other now than then, when she had to do all of the filthy work; when her hands were always dirty and stained with blood. She preferred if Tash enjoyed the end result, Pep ensured it was that way. She didn't get this deeply involved with anyone in the past in fear of others using them as a weakness, she wouldn't have been able to protect them then but she was more than able to fully protect Tash now.
She glimpsed Tash shuffle on the bed before yawning and stretching her limbs. Pep wasn't sure how long she was standing in front of the mirror but she knew it was long enough to put her in a somber and depressing mood, her past still had that effect on her and that's why she so desperately wanted happiness; that happiness was currently Tash.
"Baby.." Tash said in between yawns.
They were up pretty late last night having sex and watching tv, she fell asleep cuddled into Pep's side while she stayed up because her thoughts were screaming at her. Pep hasn't slept, she haven't been sleeping; she couldn't, not since she received the phone call informing her that her mom has cancer. Pep took one last look at her fatigue strewn face before turning to her beautiful girlfriend.
"Bonjour, belle." She pulled her lips into a smile despite her depressive mood.
"I love it when you speak French." Tash hummed her satisfaction with an easy smile on her face.
"Anything for you." Pep easily spoke the words in French and confusion was written on Tash's face since her French was limited to the little time she spent practicing on Duolingo.
"Oui, oui , oui monsieur." Tash excitedly chirped up trying to pretend as if she understood.
Pep lit up with laughter at Tash's pretense. If it was one thing, Tash always knew how to make Pep laugh, she knew how to make anyone laugh with her easy going personality. Pep moved forward to join Tash on the bed, she kissed her forehead before sitting behind her and pulling her onto her chest.
"Baby, I think we should get a dog or maybe a cat." Tash drew soft patterns on Pep's arm that was wrapped around her body keeping her safely tucked in.
"Why?" Pep was surprisingly calm and open to the idea.
"I just think we need some company." Tash shrugged her shoulders.
"Are you getting tired of me?" Pep feigned hurt while attempting to push Tash away.
Tash laughed and hugged tightly onto Peps arms, "no, no, never. I love your company." She quickly reassured her lover.
"You're my everything." Tash completed her sentiment by placing soft kisses on the back of Pep's rough hands.
Tash knew that Pep had a hard life but she didn't know the intricate details. She wanted to bring her peace, she wanted them to coexist well with each other.
"I would prefer a cat." Pep continued the conversation, she tried to avoid the sentiments knowing how extremely unstable her emotions were right now.
"Dogs are more, you know, family type." Tash tried to argue her point.
"We can get the cat first." Pep knew Tash would fold, she usually does because she wanted Pep to be happy.
"Okay, fine. We can get you a cat first." Pep knew there was a frown on Tash's lips but she couldn't help the smile on hers knowing that the woman in her arms had her wellbeing in mind.
"You know," Tash started, "I'll never know what's going on in your mind unless you let me in." She paused, "and I'm hoping you are comfortable enough to make that step soon."
"I'll wait for you." Tash pulled apart Pep's arms so that she could move.
Pep didn't resist, she allowed Tash to walk away, she was still shocked by the unexpected statements. She was used to Tash being random but she still managed to catch her off guard on some days. She heard the shower running and once again she was left alone with her thoughts that weighed as much as she did in flesh and bones.
Pep had to find some way to open up to Tash, she was all she had right now. It still surprises Pep how easily Tash moved on from the girl she claimed she had loved, how she acted as if she was never in love. Pep knew she was afraid of opening up to Tash because she thinks she would walk away, something that seemed easy for her and something that seemed to scare Pep.
Tash sat on the toilet cover while the shower ran just a few feet from her. Tears streamed down her face while silent sobs racked through her body. Tash was a talkative type but she was also very observant, she saw how distant and unhappy Pep was and couldn't help but feel as if she wasn't what Pep wanted anymore.
