Jayson

Chapter 6

Lying awake in bed that night, my mind was filled with terror and sadness.  Images of what happened replayed over and over in my brain.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to tell someone so that the images would leave me alone and so that I could feel comfort, but I didn't tell and I couldn't tell, so I suffered alone in silence, weeping quietly into my balled up blanket so that no one would hear me.

What was I going to do without Kimm?  There was no way that I could ever fill her shoes! I wasn't as beautiful, I wasn't as smart or charismatic, I wasn't her.  The most soul crushing feeling came over my heart and I couldn't stop my body from shaking with grief as I stared off into the sky through my window and blew her a kiss up in heaven. It was just me now.  I was "the" girl in the group, and I was a baby. I hoped that I'd be able to hold it down like she did, but I wasn't counting on it.

Days went by without word from Jayson, Jesse or anyone.  I thought of a million reasons for their absence to try to ease my nerves.  Maybe they'd gotten grounded because of what had happened.  Maybe they were grieving so much that they'd forgotten about little old me. Maybe they just didn't care about me anymore. Maybe they just didn't care...that thought hurt the most, because at that moment, I needed someone to care. I needed someone to hold me tight and tell me that I was okay and that everything was fine. But, weeks would pass without a word and the depression that I was finding my way out of had begun to engulf me again in its darkness.

I spent days and weeks isolating myself from anyone and everything, locked up in my room listening to sad songs so that I could finally break down in private and not have to explain to anyone what had happened, not have to tell the story of what I'd seen, not have to explain how much I wanted to die, how much I ached without Jayson and the others.  I felt abandoned, again.  It always happened like this...every time I tried to love someone, every time I tried to open up and put myself in a vulnerable place, people just left me.

After August went by without so much as a word, I'd finally come to the conclusion that I was going to be alone in all of this.  I didn't think Jayson was coming back and the hurt and rage that I had been holding onto manifested itself into worsening behavior.  I began skipping classes whenever I started thinking about Kimm and the boys.  I could tell that I was about to have a breakdown so I'd just hide in the bathroom and cry until my eyes ached from being swollen and tired. 
I'd write poems and short stories to try to deal with my feelings, but instead of helping me cope, writing was just one more thing to feel bad about. There was no Jayson to read my heartfelt words and it didn't change the fact that Kimmie was gone, that everyone else had abandoned me or that my life was still miserable. In fact, I was pretty sure the kids at school thought I was crazy because I'd just break down in the middle of class. Some of them said I was a liar and that I made up the things I'd tell them, because it was impossible that anybody would like me.  Who'd want to hang out with someone as ugly as Haven? Who'd find anything interesting enough about Haven to want to spend any time with her?  Every time I'd hear that other kids were laughing about me behind my back, it just ripped my soul into a million pieces. What I'd seen, what I'd been through...I'd have never wished on anyone. Maybe they'd be crazy too if they'd seen what I did, if they'd heard the screams and cries that still haunted every silent moment of my day.
I wanted to die. I thought of lots of ways to try and take my life, but at the end of the day, I felt I was too weak or maybe too scared to go through with it. None of my options seemed like a quick path to death and I feared the pain, or the aftermath if I wasn't successful. Would I be brain dead? Who would find me? My mother would be devastated, for as much as I felt she hated me, I knew she wanted better for me. I couldn't do that to my mom. But then I thought that maybe, just maybe if I could follow through on it, Jayson would hear about it and come back to me. Or would he? I pondered my options for some days, but ultimately never acted on my plan and the warm summer days continued to drift by with no words from the four people who meant the most in my life. In fact, the park where we'd met stayed vacant on most of the days that I was able to make it over there. There was going to be no more Jayson and the reality of that tore my world and heart into a million pieces.
Soon school had started and I moped about, pretending to be happy, but reminded that I wasn't almost every minute of each day.
Before long, I'd given up my last bit of hope. Then, halfway through September as school was well underway, I'd just walked through the door after an emotional day, just as the phone began to ring. I wrestled my bag off my back and dropped it to the ground with a thud, jumped over the arm of the sofa and breathlessly grabbed the phone.
"Hello?" I said into the receiver.
"Haven?" The voice asked, quietly.
"Yeah? This is Haven." I knew it was Jayson before he said anything further. My heart began beating so fast I felt like it would explode in my chest. I couldn't believe it!
"Hey, it's Jayson."
"I know," I said, trying to contain the wave of emotion that invaded my body. Silent tears began to fall and I struggled to gather my thoughts as I had so many questions!
"I'm sorry it's been so long since I talked to you," he told me in a quiet voice.
"What happened," I asked. "Where've you been?"
"I'm sorry. It's a lot to explain right now and I don't have a lot of time. I just...I wanted to hear your voice. I need to see you. I have something important to tell you."
"Can you just tell me?" I pleaded. I wanted so bad to continue hearing the sound of his voice.
"No time. Listen, meet me at the park Saturday? Noon, okay? Can you do that?"
"I don't know if I can," I said.
"Haven, you have to," he told me and I heard the click as he hung up the phone. I sat there, motionless and teary-eyed, unwilling and unable to hang up the phone even after the dial tone returned. There was no way I could make it to the park on Saturday...my mom would be home and I would be too.

The following day was Friday and I spent the entire school day filled with anxiety over whatever it was that Jayson was going to tell me. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I couldn't think of anything else! I wondered if he was going to be grounded for life and I'd never see him again. I thought that maybe, his mother was going to ban him from ever seeing me again. Or maybe, the group was splitting up and everyone was mad at each other. Recovering from what had happened to Kimm, could probably do a lot to make friends hate friends.

Then I started thinking about the entire situation that led to all of this...and I thought about Kimm laying on the ground after being taken from the car. I thought about the way her hair and face had been smeared with blood and then I started remembering how peaceful she looked in the arms of Jesse and Josh and I wanted to hug her, but I was afraid. I was afraid to touch her because of the blood, because she was dead, because I didn't know that I couldn't hurt her and because all I wanted was for her to open her eyes.

I started crying. Everything that had happened was just too much and listening to my teacher go on and on about fractions and common denominators when I was just trying to get away from my thoughts, was more than I could stand. I started feeling sick, nauseous and unable to breathe. I put my head down on my desk and sobbed, massive puddles of tears onto my notes.

I didn't know what Jayson was going to tell me, and I was scared to find out. I was terrified that this was the beginning of the end and that this weekend Jayson would be telling me goodbye. I didn't think I could handle it. Like, why come back just to walk away, and just when I'd gotten to a place where I'd accepted he was gone! It was mean, and selfish, and hurtful, and so many other things! I wasn't ready for what was coming. I wasn't sure how I was going to get down to the park the next day either, but I had to.