Jayson

Chapter 8

"You like it?" Jayson's asked, walking up next to me. "It's every note, you've ever written," he went on, grinning.

"I know," I beamed, turning to face him.  

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"For what?"

""For what happened just now."

"Nah, you didn't do anything.  Jack is an asshole. Now you know why I might be living with my dad.

"So, you want to live there, forever?"

"Possibly, but I think that for now, it'll just be for a while, like a couple weeks. I need to get away from mom and Jack for a little bit.  If I like it enough, and my dad's cool with it, then I'll be going back for good at the end of the school year."

"Why does he treat you like that? Why does he hit you? It's not fair and your mom should do something about it."

"I know, but he does it because my mom doesn't care.  She loves him more than she loves us. She can't wait for me to leave. I think she just wants us all to leave so she can start over with him."

"But you're a good kid," I said, "you don't drink or do drugs or get in trouble at school.  I don't get why she's so mean to you."

"The older you get, the more you'll see that people don't always do what's right.  Sometimes you have to do what's right for you..."

"I'm not going to survive when you're gone, Jayson. You know who I am, you know I'm not stable.  I can't do this life without you in it."

"Haven, you can! You are the strongest girl I know.  I'm only in your life to help you see that."

"No! No, Jayson.  You're in my life because without you I wouldn't have a life!"

"You're wrong about that.  I'm going to be gone with my dad and I don't know when or if I'm coming back, but you need to promise me that you'll still be here.  No matter what happens, your life means something to so many people! Especially to me! I need you to be here!"

"Stop lying.  We both know nobody cares about me. We both know that if I killed myself you're the only person who would miss me."

"Haven, I love you.  I would more than miss you. Have you not figured out how much I care about you?  We all care about you, Jesse, Josh, Sean, me, all of us.  You are important to so many people, and you are very special to me. Just promise me, that you'll be here. I will make my way back to you if you'll wait for me. I will be here for you. I will always be here for you."

"You're lying again.  There's no way that you can be here for me  if you're there. You were gone for a really long time before, and I barely survived that. I thought of all kinds of ways to kill myself and  -"

"Haven, do you love me?" He interrupted.

"I don't know," I sighed, looking down at my feet. "Yes."
He pulled me into his arms and kissed the tears cascading down my cheek. "I wish you could see you the way I do. I love you so much and one day you'll understand, but until then, promise me you'll hold on. Promise me you'll be here for me when I come back for you."
"Okay," I mumbled, rolling my eyes.
"Say the words for me, so I know you mean it."
"I promise," I said, breaking down again as his arms tightened around me.

It was the hardest moment of my life walking home with him that night and knowing that he might never come back. I put on my fake smile and laughed at all his corny jokes; feeble attempts to make me stop being sad, but I loved his laugh and I loved how he ran his hand through his hair every time it moved down onto his forehead, the way he bit his lip and glanced at me sideways when I'd say something snarky and sarcastic, the way he placed his hand on the small of my back to make sure I was always in front of him. I didn't deserve him and that's why he was going away, or so I told myself.