Jayson

Chapter 12

Day after day went by and I refused to even answer the phone for Jayson if he called. I regretted it, and had to fight myself every moment of every single day, not to give in.  I felt so utterly alone and miserable.  Josh and Sean would reach out to me from time to time, hoping they could get me to change my mind.  Josh would always say that they just didn't want to lose me too. I hated when he said things like that because it always made me feel guilty. I'd run into Jesse a few times and he'd just tell me how I needed to stop being stubborn and how I was breaking Jayson's heart and I should give him a chance.

My  happy life had disappeared just as I'd expected.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get a single homework assignment done, no matter how hard I tried. I'd sit in class trying to listen to the teacher, but I couldn't keep up with my notes and I didn't want to anyway. Instead, I replayed memories over and over in my mind; I thought about Kim and then I thought about the day she died and the sounds, everybody running to the car, the screams, the blood on her face and in here hair, and how lovingly the boys had been cradling her in the grass, and then silent tears began to fall.

I thought about the times that Jayson had comforted me when I was down because I was laughed at or teased at school and how he'd always made me feel better .  No matter how I was feeling and no matter what I thought about myself, Jayson always saw the better in me. He was the only person in the world who told me I was beautiful, smart, talented, and could do anything.  And I don't know why, but I needed to hear those things to keep the sadness at bay, to keep the dangerous thoughts from creeping back into my mind, the ones that told me I was stupid, ugly, useless, unlovable and better off dead. I couldn't hold out anymore.  I was going to have to reach out to Jayson.

So, I did, albeit, somewhat reluctantly.

I tried calling him several times throughout the winter, but with no luck.  I finally had to give up after my attempts to call him proved that his phone was no longer in service. I felt a sudden sense of desperation and anger at this revelation.  I got this sinking feeling inside as it occurred to me that I may never again see Jayson. Everything I'd been mad at him for seemed so stupid and childish now.

I was such  an idiot.

I tried reaching out to Jesse, but had no luck there, and I'd never had the twin's number so that was a hopeless thought.

I waited until the first warm day in April, and decided to walk to Jayson's house, only to learn that neither he, nor Jesse were living there any longer. I asked their little brother, Daryl where they went and he informed me that Jess had bought a house in Romeoville and was going to college and Jayson was living there with him, if he wasn't in Florida with his dad. He gave me Jesse's number and his work schedule for that  week. I thanked him politely and left. 

It was Sunday, and according to the schedule, Jesse didn't have to work that day. Calling the number, I waited anxiously for someone to answer. Jess picked up almost immediately.

"Yeah?"

"Jesse?"

"Yes, that'd be me," he answered, speaking as if his mouth were full of food, "who's this?"

"Haven!" I exclaimed, partially offended.

"Haven, who?" He joked.

"Oh my gosh, Jesse!  I can't believe you, it's Haven, Jayson's girl, there's not that many Havens out there."

He chuckled, "I know who you are sweetie, just giving you a hard time.  How the hell have you been?  It's been months since I talked to you.  I was starting to wonder if you were even still alive."