Living with the Boys [Complete]

11. Arguments and Misunderstandings

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Love you all so much xxx

Hope's POV

At the end of this long day all I want is to go into our warm house and cuddle up on the couch or have a scorching hot shower. Going to Winter Wonderland as it turns out is very tiring but I would not trade it for anything. I spent the whole day laughing and taking pictures, then hours forgetting that we even have phones.

This has truly been a magical day, I feel so lucky to be where I am with Mike next to me. I am so lucky to have such amazing guys wanting to take me on dates and take care of me, it sounds quite vain but I can't help but think that all the shit things that have happened in my life have built up all this good karma and these guys are here because of that.

There have been many moments where the bad moments have felt like they go on forever and nothing good is ever happening, that there is nothing good to look forward to. I have felt like that for years on end so having these amazing people in my life and feeling this happy is something very foreign to me, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop yet I don't know if it's going to. This just all seems too good to be true.

However, how do you voice this to other people? How do you explain to them that you're scared of being happy? Because when you're happy, when you finally relax and start to enjoy life, it hurts that much more to have it all ripped away by someone or something.

I had gotten used to seeing my counselor at school before coming to university and these past 3 to 4 months have been my happiest yet but I miss having someone to reallytalk to. I can always confide in the guys or in Lily but it's different when someone knows your past and knew you during your hardest periods, it's different when you don't have to describe your feelings because the other person felt them with you.

Since coming to university I have not signed up for the free counselling because I just thought that I should do this on my own. I didn't want to start again, I was already doing that by moving to a whole different place and starting something completely new like university.

So far everything has paid off but I might have to once again start keeping a journal, you would be surprised how much some things start to make sense when you're writing them down on paper. When you're thinking about things they seem to go at the speed of light and it's hard to focus on one thing as it feels like there are a million other things. Writing things out helps me to think more clearly and it somehow makes it more real when I see it in ink on paper.

Spacing out is something that I do quite often, more so when I'm tired and my head starts to wonder in a million different directions. So I'm not surprised when I closed my eyes for a second on the last bus home and then woke up at the bus stop with Mike gently shaking me awake. Of course he was gentle about it, like he is with everything else but I really started shaking off the sleep when we got nearer to the house.

Even though it's a cold December night I can see what Mike meant this morning when he said good weather. There hasn't been a lot of wind or any rain, just a little bit of snow and chilly winter weather, as perfect as it gets here in England.

"I could kill for a hot chocolate right now." I complain as we turn the corner onto our road. The wind starting to pick up, as it is getting later and I just got off a warm bus which makes the outside feel ten times colder.

"Why didn't you say so back at the station?" Asks Mike and of course he would remember that I turned down the hot drinks when we were waiting for the train. Truthfully I didn't want him buying me anything else as today he spent quite a bit on me and I feel quite guilty. Turns out that Winter Wonderland is ridiculously expensive, but so damn worth it.