for the boy i had to let go

three

loving you was sunshine/safe and sound/a safe place to let down my defenses/but loving you had consequences

i know the sadness is hitting me particularly hard when i'm not even wishing you were here with me.

i don't know what i'm wishing for. to be alone, i guess. to just be left alone.

i'm not sure when it happened. but the prospect of someone else loving me in the way you did has become so unlikely that i find myself not even looking anymore. i find myself no longer staring at someone cute for more than a second. i find myself no longer wishing to have someone, to be in a relationship.

i just find myself wishing for the hurt to go away. wishing to not feel this much anymore.

i don't know why i'm feeling this way. i don't know if it's our failed relationship or what i did or didn't do.

i just know this is the first time i've wished to just be left alone.

just to be left alone — as if that will fix things. i know it won't. and i know i have friends who care and love me dearly.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i think i'm genuinely tired of almost's. i've had too many. and then the one that did become something — you — it's gone now. and i don't think i could do this again.

i don't think i can do this again. hurt this much.

maybe that's why i've stopped looking. why i've stopped really caring.

i don't want to risk hurting this much again.