for the boy i had to let go

eight

i keep forgetting i have this book. it's almost ironic. i made this book here to help me cope with letting you go, and in the moments when missing you hits me most, i forget this is here.

so i'm back. again.

i think it's absurd, really. how much i think about you. because you probably don't think about me at all.

oh, the irony. i'm the one who walked away. and here i am.

i remember telling my ex-almost-girlfriend-but-still-best-friend after she tried to come back into my life that, "you don't get to say i miss you if you're the one who walked away."

oh, how wrong i was.

you can walk away and still miss someone. i know that firsthand now. and i don't like the feeling. not of being wrong, but of missing you. this feeling. it aches.

i ache. everything about me aches.

i'm not comfortable being alone. i thought i was. and maybe i was at some point. but that "some point" has gone.

i sit in my car after school and i reach for the phone to call you. to talk to you again as i drive home. only to realize i can't call you.

i drive to and from school and when i stop at a red light, when there's that lull of silence regardless of the music playing through my speakers, i reach for the phone to call you.

i lie awake at night and i reach for the phone to call you. to tell you that i miss you. to ask how you're doing, even if you don't care how i'm doing. i just want to know how you are.

even if i have no right to know. since i'm the one who walked away, after all.

maybe i have no right in feeling this way. but that doesn't make the hurt stop. that doesn't make it go away.

i watch my friends and they all have someone. the type of someone that i had in you. that i lost in you.

that i had to let go.

i miss you. a lot.

it's only a matter of time before i do call you.

i know it's only a matter of time.

i know you won't answer. that doesn't matter.

or maybe it does.

i miss your voice.

i miss our facetime calls. when you'd take pictures of me because i was laughing and you thought i looked so adorable that you had to capture that. when you stayed on the phone with me when i was home alone and scared, even though your parents had gotten home with your food. when you told me i was a priority then. when you told me making sure i was okay was your priority. when we would agree to disagree on the stupidest of things. when our joke was that i'd kick your ass when i met you in person. when our joke was that we both knew that wouldn't happen. when you told me you'd kiss me so i'd forget about wanting to kick your ass. when you understood what that meant. when you didn't make fun of me for not knowing how to go about a relationship. when you could see between the lines and see what i was really trying to stay. when you were able to understand me.

i miss that.

god, i miss it.

i was getting kinda used to
being someone you loved.