for the boy i had to let go

ten

i should've known it wouldn't happen/
because it wasn't right/
i should've known it
'cause it happens every goddamn time/
almost thought we could've been something/almost thought we could have tried but/
it didn't happen so i need you
to get out of my life

i had a chapter already written about you. dated september 24, 2019.

i had known you for about a month at that point. i wrote that down there. how little i had known you for, and how despite that, i still felt like i knew you so well.

i couldn't have been more wrong. i didn't know you at all. i don't know who you are now. you've become a stranger to me.

i just don't know what's with me.

what's with me falling for boys who don't know what they want, who can't figure out if they even want me.

boys who are always sorry for something, who think being able to apologize is all that matters.

boys who don't know that changed behavior, fixed actions mean so much more than that five letter word.

boys who come and go with the seasons, who want a summer fling and who want to leave you by spring.

boys who are too torn between sleeping around and settling down to see straight or think clearly.

boys who admit to being wrong for stringing me along, and who think that that's all that matters — being able to just admit they were wrong.

boys who string me along and know it's wrong, but don't do anything to stop because they don't actually care that much.

i wrote a poem when the seasons began to change, detailing the whispers i heard in the wind. the way the leaves told me their tale of falling and they warned me not to do the same. the seasons were changing, but i was too in love with you to see that you were changing, too.

you're human and things happen, but you shouldn't take out your emotions on other people. i shouldn't have let you do that to me. i know i deserve better, and believe me when i say i will regret this for a long time.

i will regret you for a long time.

i should have listened when the leaves were changing, but i didn't want to. something inside me so desperately wanted them to be wrong, wanted the feeling in my gut to be wrong, but i should've listened.

i should've known when you told me about yet another girl, when i was proofreading something for you on your phone and she texted you three times in the span of five seconds, when you quickly swiped up to make the messages go away. i knew that was it, the beginning of the end, and i'm wondering now if you knew, too.

you couldn't sit still, telling me about her for some reason i still don't (and won't ever) know. and i know i'm awful at hiding my emotions, so i can only wonder if you saw the look on my face when you said what you did. if you saw the disappointment shadow my eyes and shatter the last bit of hope i had left.

i didn't bring her up when we talked, but i bet you knew. it was a girl that put a wedge between us before fall break, and a new girl that broke us for good now.

i should've listened to my gut after fall break. i should've let my anger take over and i should've never forgave you for that. but everyone around me was telling me you deserved a second chance, to not write you off completely just yet. but now i'm wondering if second chances really are just a load of bullshit.

i forgave you so much. because you apologized so much. and i'm only realizing now that it was too much.

no one should be that sorry all the time.

i thought after we talked and mended things the first time, that it meant you'd never do something like that again. and then you tell me about this girl, this girl who you took to formal last year and who you think just wants to sleep with you. and knowing that those are her motives, you kept talking to her. while flirting with me and stringing me along, you were talking to her, and i feel sick to my stomach when i think about the fact that you probably slept with her last weekend after you and i talked. and that you probably spent today with her, too.

after i told you i need distance. after you told me to reach out whenever i'm ready. after i decided on my own that i don't know when or if that day will ever come.

you're not my issue anymore. you're not my person. you're not my something to worry about. you're not my anything anymore.

i said we could stay friends, but i'm so angry. right now i don't see you as a friend.

right now i see you as just another senseless boy who broke my heart.

and i'm still the girl who let him.