for the boy i had to let go

nine

sometimes i wonder if i should change the name of this book to for the boys i had to let go because there is no longer just one boy i had to let go. now there are two.

though the first doesn't plague my mind as much anymore, i do find myself missing him. missing what we had because it was good. and missing the feeling of being wanted. missing the feeling of being his.

the second boy didn't want to call me his. i realized quickly i was just searching for the same feeling i used to have. and i realized quickly that i wasn't going to have it again.

but i've found myself questioning since then. if i should've let the second boy go. if i should've settled for being casual. if i should've gone with it and been adventurous for once.

but i can't.

i had my first kiss with said second boy, and i had to let him go immediately after.

i wonder if this is all i'm ever going to be. the girl who gets slightly too close and has to let go. the girl who can feel herself slipping and decides to let go because she's terrified.

i don't want to be that girl. i don't want to let go of things that are good. i don't want to let go of boys that are good.

i don't want to let go of the wrong boy. i don't want to let go of the one that is supposed to be mine, but i won't know because i got scared.

i don't want to be afraid to get close to someone.

but i am.

my god, i am terrified.