for the boy i had to let go

seven

i'm obsessive and i love too hard
good at overthinkin' with my heart
how you even think it got this far?
i can be needy
so hard to please me
i know it feels so good to be needed

i remember exactly where i was when i first heard the teaser for this song. emotionally and physically.

emotionally. i was grieving the loss of what i thought was the greatest love i would ever experience: you. i wasn't crying. the numbness inside of me was beyond the point of crying. it was at the stage of staring off into space, getting lost in daydreams of you, coming back to reality with a frown because those dreams weren't my reality anymore. i remember i was missing you more than i ever thought was capable of a human being missing another.

physically. i was in my kitchen. staring at my cupboards. we had food. we had just gone grocery shopping. but nothing was appealing. when you left, my appetite went with you. this is the one thing that has still yet to change much.

i remember feeling needed by you. i remember the feeling. and i miss it. i want it back.

but i know the feeling is mutual. i know i ask for too much. i know i ask for more than anyone can give.

i know i am needy.

i know that's exactly what drove you away. i drove you away. i know i did that to you. and i'm so sorry.

i'm so sorry i thought you could give me what i needed. i'm so sorry i drug you down with me.

and i'm sorry to myself for thinking i should look for what i need in someone else. i should've looked inward first. i should've fixed myself first. i should've talked and listened to myself first. i'm doing it now. but i'm still sorry i didn't do it before.

i'm sorry i had to drag you with me. i'm sorry i thought i could silence my thoughts enough to be in love. i know now that i can't. i know what i need now.

i'm sorry to have hurt you in the process.