A melting pot of nonsensical stories. Volume I

Hairy toes

My best friend Horace has the hairiest fucking toes, I have ever seen!
His toes are so hairy, he can't put shoes on.

When he's in bed, his feet hang out the end, and it looks like he has fucking slippers on.

Horace absolutely loves his hairy toes and shows them off everywhere.
At school, he gets up in front of the class for show and tell, and proudly shows how much his toe hair has grown longer, every day.
When the freak walks around in winter,  he surprises people, when he tells them he's not wearing warm slippers, its his smelly fucking hairy toes!

One day Horace and I were walking home from school.
The usual crowd of kids were gathering around admiring his feet, when suddenly, a big black cloud appeared above us.

Inside the clouds there were lights flashing, with buzzing and whirring sounds.

"Horace!" A deep electronic voice boomed out.

"We need your help on our planet Quox!"
"We have lost our hair, it has all fallen out!"

Our people are all bald, and our pets are getting very cold, we don't know what has caused this!
Horace, ...your hairy toes are famous throughout the universe!
Can you please come to Quox, and share your hair with us?"

"Wow," said Horace.
"I didn't know my hairy toes were famous throughout the universe.
I don't know how I can help, I don't have enough hair for the whole planet!"

"We have a special machine that can make things grow very fast. We just don't have any hair left to put in it." said the voice.

"What the fuck" say Horace. "I will come, but only if I can bring my fucking friend," as he points to me.

"Of course" booms the cloud.
"But we must hurry!"

Beams of light come down and pick us up. We are now in an awesome, huge space ship, which shoots us across the galaxy at lightning fast speed.

"Quox is so shit wierd!" Horace shouts out.

"Shhhhh," I say, "don't be rude."

"It's ok, our planet is very different to others." Says the voice.
"It's sort of upside down to yours, our sky is under us, and our land is above us. I know, fucking wierd right?
Our water runs up and our flowers grow down. Who would have thought"

As we stepped out of the spaceship we are greeted by tiny little, freaky looking people, they are upside down, above us, with shiny bald heads.
They are only very tiny, and there are hundreds of them, all around our heads.

"Please help us!" They cry out in annoying squeeky voices.
"Look, look we have no hair, our heads are cold,  and we don't have enough fucking hats for everyone.
Please let us use your shitty, smelly, toe hair so we can make beautiful wigs."

That afternoon the little bald people took us to a huge building which had the special machine.
Horace sat on a comfy chair and put his feet inside the machine.
"Shit, fuck, this tickles," he chuckles, "It actually feels quite nice."

The machine was stretching his toe hair and making all sorts of wigs out of it.

From all around,
the people came to line up and get their wigs.
All sorts of wigs were being made.
Long hair wigs, short hair wigs, wigs for the people, wigs for dogs, wigs for horses, wigs for pigs, and even wigs for butterflies.

You see all the animals on Quox, had the same hair as the little people.

After a few hours of stretching Horace's hair, the people were happy and their heads were warm again.

All the pets were bouncing around on the grass above us and the seagulls were showing off their new hair to each other in the sky below us.

"We must go now" I say to Horace with a little nudge.
"Our parents will be fucking worried if we don't get home soon".

"Ahh for fucks sake, jump in the spaceship and I will take you home" the annoyed, booming  voice said.

We got on and before we knew it we were zooming across the galaxy again.

"Wow this spaceship is fucking fast", said Horace.
" No shit!" I replied, lucky for us, because we have to get home real quick so we don't get in trouble".

We landed safely back home in no time, and made our way back to our families.

" How was your day dear?" Horace's mum asks as he walks in the door.

" yeah pretty good mum" he said

" Did you do anything interesting?" she says in an excited voice.

" No not really mum"

"Oh......ok"

Then his mum walks in from the kitchen, and Horace nearly falls on the floor.

His mum has no fucking hair!

Oh,  shit nooooooo!