the pain of remembering // tenrose/elevenrose angsty oneshot

why do memories hurt?

that's a bit sad, comment please and sorry for punctuation mistakes, i truly hate commas

Allons-y!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Nooo!!!! Rose, hold on!

-Rose Tyler, I-

-Does it need saying?

-He needs you. That's very me.

-You'll have a fantastic year.

The Doctor woke up, panting. He quickly scanned his surroundings. He fell asleep on the jump seat. Again. TARDIS wouldn't let him tinker with her, his usual distraction. Since she left, he avoided sleeping as much as he could, but sometimes even his superior Time Lord biology couldn't manage. Usually, though, he woke up even more tired, than he remembered he was when falling asleep. Nightmares. Canary Wharf, Bad Wolf Bay, Bad Wolf Bay again, regeneration. He hoped that after he died, the pain will ease. Well, let's say that things never been easy for him. Never. He lost every single person he loved. He lost his people, his planet. In the end, all that was left was him. Never dying, never aging, changing, breaking. He reached his breaking point today. He allowed himself to be sad, to remember. Amy and Rory slept. He knew, that sooner or later, he'll lose them too. Hell, he lost the love of his life, twice, how could he possibly protect them? Even if they don't die, they'll leave. He sighed quietly. During the 'night', when the humans were asleep, he sometimes let himself break down, grieve and curse his long life. The second they woke up, though, he was back to his happy, mad, smiling, childish facade. He mastered it perfectly along the years. It just needed a bit adjusting, whenever he regenerated. And no one suspected anything. Every time the conversation drifted to dangerous subjects, he answered vaguely and moved on. That was his life. Moving on. Never ending running. Just how Davros said. All those years ago. The Doctor. The man who keeps running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. Never truer words has been said about him. His life is cursed. Outliving everybody he cares about. The universe hates him, nevermind how many times he saved it. Sometimes he just wants to reach his last regeneration already. The last of the Time Lords, finally off this world. The Ponds will be up in a few hours. Then, his routine will continue. Next day of running. Running from everything, diving into trouble, to distract himself, because he doesn't dare to look back. He sometimes wished that Amy didn't remember, that he was stuck on the other side. In the end, he concluded that he would have too much time to think. Like now. He wondered for a minute and made the most idiotic decision in history. He typed in the coordinates. He remembered what River did, after she jumped out of a spaceship, and though he had a hard time acknowledging that maybe he doesn't fly the TARDIS perfectly, he turned off the breaks and switched on the stabilisers. He didn't want to wake his companions. The ship silently left the Vortex and landed softly. Doctor sighed and went to open the door. He was greeted by chilly air and a silent night. Stars shone brightly, giving just the amount of light to see. The Doctor cautiously exited the TARDIS. Slowly, his gaze moved from the stars to the frozen ocean. The stunning waves, surrounded by a never ending night, bathed in starlight. Woman Wept. A hundred years passed since he was last here. A wave of anguish swept through him, but his eyes remained dry. He cried out his tears a long time ago. Now, it was just numbness, pain came when he remembered. So he ran. Because now, staying numb was saving his sanity. After all, his companions came here to see the beauty of the universe, not to deal with an old alien with issues. He sat under a particularly big wave, his back to the ship. She hummed softly in his mind. He didn't answer. The Doctor remembered when he was here with R-, her. Skating between the waves, telling her stories about the planet, a little snowball fight. Happiness. It was so long ago, he regenerated twice since then, once since they said goodbye. Well, technically, they didn't. He ran away, as usually, before Rose and Handy broke apart. Does it need saying? For her, it did. For him, saying those three words, meant that he would never be able to leave her. And he had to. Had to leave her, because she deserved better. Even, if the "better" meant his own clone. He was human, though. He could give her what he couldn't. A peaceful life, without life or death situations every day. A forever that would match her's. Her own happy ever after, one that the Doctor could never have. And he's alone again. Maybe not entirely, he had Amy and Rory, but they had each other. And he never told them about his previous companions. They knew about the Time War, but losing Martha, Donna and her was worse. Worse that the War. His ninth self wouldn't possibly believe that there was something worse than that. But there was. Losing this three people, people that helped him get himself together again, was terrible. Martha - the clever doctor, the girl who walked the Earth. Whose family was tortured for a year, just because of her connection to him. Donna - his best friend, the sarcastic ginger, the most important woman in the universe. Even the Shadow Proclamation didn't dare to argue with her. The woman who forgot. And her. His saviour, his Bad Wolf. Who defied the laws of reality twice. The one person he ever loved with so much force. His compassionate pink and yellow human. Showing mercy to every living creature, including a Dalek. He put his head in his hands and with surprise noticed that his cheeks were stained with tears. Rassilon, how he hoped that the Ponds were asleep. He stood up and started wandering between the waves, remembering. Pompeii, Donna persuading him to save one family. New New York. Death of the Face of Boe. Cassandra. The Game Station. The Bad Wolf. First regeneration since the War. The twenty seven planets. Daleks. The Master's death. Alone again. Mars. He hated to think about that. Breaking the laws of time? Messing with a fixed point. The Devil. Canary Wharf. Shakespeare. Oods. Sontarans. Lazarus. I am not amused. He still owed her ten quid. Maybe Handy will pay it off. He didn't know where the tears came from. He cried silently mourning his friends, his family. How strange that was? He was grieving for people that were alive. He walked up to the nearest wave and slammed his hand on it with all his strength. It hurt, but he didn't care. It hurt certainly less, than what he felt inside. He leaned on the ice and slid to the ground. He had no idea why he broke down today. He wanted to stop the tears, he wanted to shut it like he always did. But today, he couldn't. He hated himself for moments of weakness, he always felt like he was disappointing... someone. His companions, because they're not here to deal with him. Her, because she would hate to see him like this. Donna, because she didn't save the universe for him to whine. Martha, because she was strong, perhaps stronger than him. Sarah Jane, because he left her, but still didn't do anything for the universe. This list could go on forever. Hundreds of names. He sat numbly at the base of the wave, looking at the stars, but not seeing their beauty, silent tears still streaking down his face.