Spider.

Chapter 6 : Notes

My studying game was going pretty good until an obnoxious laugh clouded my focus. I grimaced and looked up. Oh god no, I thought stifling a groan.

"What do you want,Jesse?" I sighed. He grinned and ran a hand through his dirty blond hair. He was the school's most qualified player, who changed girlfriends more than he changed underwear. Jesse had probably had flings with more than half of the school's girls. Most of them considered themselves lucky- Jesse was no less than a demi-god with his ocean blue eyes and defined jaw-line. But he was a sleaze-bag. When he got bored of the usual easy girls, he started seeking out the ones who wouldn't give him attention. Mainly,me.

"Just enjoying the view" he said plopping himself down next to me. I rolled my eyes. "I'm busy" I mumbled, trying not to look at him. It was a hard thing to do since he was moving closer. I raised my eyebrows. "I want to tell you a secret" he whispered. I just nodded. He slipped a piece of paper into my hand,making sure his fingers on mine lingered a little longer. With that he stood up, smoothed his shirt and left. Once I was sure he was gone- I didn't want him to know how curious I was about the note- I unfolded the tiny paper.

Party at 8. My place. I know you think I'm a jerk but let me prove you wrong.
Love
Jesse

I thought about the party during my drive home. I loved dressing up and going places. But there was so much going on now, and nothing felt right without Cas. The thought of enjoying a party seemed out of question.  I got home and opened and began rummaging through my closet for a pair of sweatpants that my mom got me in 8th grade. It was the perfect amount of 'worn in' and had warm, deep pockets. When I couldn't find it, I spun around and began picking up the random articles of clothing scattered across the floor, hoping to find the pants underneath them. I removed a stray t-shirt atop my mirror and caught a glimpse of myself. I was wearing the sweatpants. Looked like Cas wasn't the only crazy one.  I sighed. Jesse's note sat mockingly on my bed. Did anyone else notice that I was losing it? Was I losing it? Suddenly a party that would distract me from my own thought didn't seem so bad. 

After thirty minutes of looking through my closet yet again, I collapsed on my bed. Even though I'd made up my mind about going, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was neglecting Cas. He doesn't need you, the voice in my head whispered.
Where was he when you spent all those nights crying over him? You spent your summer thinking he'd come back and give you a chance, but he came back with a girlfriend. He doesn't need you.

I jerked up. No that wasn't true. He didn't know he was hurting me. How could he possibly understand my feelings when i couldn't come to terms with it myself?

He doesn't need you. He needs Amelia. The words played over and over in my mind. Suddenly, I was very angry. I picked up the tightest pair of jeans I owned and walked to the bathroom to do my make-up. I was going to that party. And every drunk body there was going to know my presence.

***
I woke up with headache, messy hair and a missing shoe. What happened last night? I sat up and winced at the pounding going on in my head. Did I fall asleep  here? There were empty cups and several other random items scattered on the floor. The room was a mess. I looked down at myself. There was a yellow piece of paper perched on my thigh. I groaned at the thought of another one of Jesse's notes. I scrunched up the paper and shoved it in my pocket. Images of dancing, singing and drinking came back to me. I will never go to another stupid party ever again, I thought as I stepped over a couple of sleeping bodies.

***
"Kat, you look terrible" Simon exclaimed as he walked in. I had gotten back from Jesse's house just a half hour ago and looked less than pristine. Simon sat down on the couch beside me. "How was the party-" he began but I held up my finger for him to be quiet.
I'd rather not talk about it. I spent half the time dancing and the other half poisoning myself with alcohol.

I was too angry, too bruised from the harsh thoughts that slithered into my mind to think straight. Why did I feel that way? Caspar was my friend. There was no reason for me to think he did not need me. He needs you, the voice in my head cooed. But not in the way you need him. I grimaced. No. I have to fight it. I've been fighting it for so long.

Simon shook his head in mock disappointment.  "I expected more from you". I scooted closer to him so I could swat him on the shoulder. He continued to chide me about how I should be focusing on school now and how we were seniors so we had to start taking things more seriously.  I laughed at his attempt at being a responsible adult. "You're the one telling me this? The same guy who lost his glasses and kissed the wrong girl at homecoming?" I reminded him. He cringed and chuckled. I smirked and set my mug of coffee on the table. When I looked back at him, a small frown flawed his smooth features. I was about to ask him what was wrong when the words of my previous statement registered. Homecoming. The day Amelia disappeared.