Chapter Eighteen
I lie to my heart cause I thought you felt it
You can't light a fire, if the candle's melted
No you don't have to love me
I held onto Alex like he was a lifeline, burying my face so I wouldn't see the disappointed look that I knew Harry was giving me. No one could be more disappointed in me than I was myself. I was doing so well, or at least that's what I thought and then it hit me full force and I wanted nothing more than to just finish it. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about what I was doing... I just didn't want to be here.
"Marry me?" I heard Harry's weak whisper, the words pulling at my heart as I chose not to answer him. I couldn't say anything without apologizing.
"Harry, can you go grab the first aid kit? We gotta bandage up these cuts before they get infected." Alex said, moving away for a second. I followed him instinctively, still gripping onto his shirt like it was the only thing keeping me grounded at this moment.
"Uh yeah... course." His voice made me want to cry, and honestly I thought for a moment that he was worse off than I was. He sounded so hurt...
"Harry's gone Ni... Want to tell me why?" Alex whispered, resting his chin against my head.
"Because I'm tired."
"Of?"
"Being alive."
"Niall..."
"Don't. Please... Don't."
"He loves you Niall." He said after a moment, making me give a sad sigh.
"I know he does, I fucking know. I love him too and it kills me inside that I can't actually be happy. I love him more than anything and I can't even pretend to be happy for him anymore. I want this all to be over Alex, I want the pain to stop."
"I understand that, but this... Doing this doesn't make it stop, in fact it makes it worse. By doing this... It doesn't just hurt you, it's hurting Harry to. He's been through a lot Niall, and so have you. He's hurting far more than he let's on, and so are you. Stop hiding everything from him."
"I'm not hiding anything."
"And I'm the bloody queen of England. He's here to help you, but he can't if you don't tell him everything."
"Some things are just better left unsaid Alex."
"Not when they lead to this."
"I love him."
"Then tell him and stop lying."
"Here you go Alex... I'll uh go check on Blake?" Harry's voice sounded, making me jump a little.
"Actually why don't you help Niall and I'll go check on him? I think you guys need to talk." Alex set me down on the bathroom floor before standing up, I looked hesitantly over at Harry only to wish I hadn't. His eyes were swollen, his cheeks stained from the tears he hadn't wiped away. Alex didn't give Harry a chance to reply before walking away, leaving the two of us alone in the bathroom. Harry looked hesitant before he sat down next to me, taking my injured arm into his hand.
He didn't say anything, and to be honest I wasn't sure if I was grateful or upset about it. His hands were shaking as he wiped at my arm with the disinfectant, he was biting his lip while all I did was stare at him. I wanted him to say something... I needed to know that we were okay.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, being the first one to talk.
"Are you? Cause right now it doesn't really feel like it."
"I...I am." I looked down at the tile as he finished bandaging up my arm. There were spots of blood staining the white...
"Like I said, I don't really feel like you are. I mean fuck Niall I'm right here, right next to you and you're acting like I'm not even there. You make it seem like everything I do is just useless, I can't make you happy and it's killing me inside. I love you, so fucking much that I... I can't sit here and watch you die."
"What are you saying? Are you... Are you breaking up with me?"
"No, course not. I'm just saying that if you don't let me in, we're not going to last. I love you, but do you even love me anymore?" I was quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say. He didn't think I loved him...
"I do... I love you."
"Then why? Why are you still doing this?"
"Because I can't keep pretending that I'm okay. I'm not okay, I'm not and I hate it. I hate not being able to pretend anymore."
"Then stop fucking pretending! Be honest with me for once! Tell me how you feel and quit with the fucking lies. I'm done with it, especially if it's just going to lead to this. I can't lose you Niall, I just can't. So please, just stop." Harry was crying again, shaking his head as he let go of my arm. I just looked at him, unable to comprehend what was going on.
"I'm sorry." Was all I could say, afraid that if I touched him he'd just push me away. I just stared at him, hoping that he'd look back me... Why wouldn't he look at me?
"Yeah? I'm sorry too." He whispered, sniffing a little as he rubbed at his nose.
"I'm sorry too." He continued to whisper, pulling me into his arms again. The guilt was eating at me though, this wasn't fault.
Nothing was his fault.
It was always mine.
________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm sorry for the really depressing chapters.
It's just crucial for the plot line and such.
I'll try to fit some humor in there but only if it's appropriate (Zayn chapter? I think I hear a holla)
So yeah.
Fanart:
conwecalllove@gmail.com
Dedication:
lilliana_golden
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Burning Up (n.h. + h.s.)(Sequel to Shiver)(Book Two)
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