Chapter Twenty
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya
"Do you ever feel like you aren't in control of your own life?" I found myself asking Luke one afternoon as we sat at the bar. It was the first time I'd really left Niall alone for this long... well with not being in the same building. Luke was sitting to my left, while Liam cleaned glasses. Luke was looking through a binder that held a different assortment of wedding things, looking at me for a second before closing it.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Exactly what it means."
"I don't understand."
"Remember when I had a set plan on what I was going to do with my life? I was going to go to law school, get married to some hot celebrity that didn't even know my name and have a couple kids. I was planning on living my life like there was no tomorrow..."
"Well life doesn't really go as you plan."
"I know."
"Then why the sudden questioning?"
"Because I don't fucking know what I'm doing anymore."
"What's wrong?"
"It's complicated."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"Depends on what you define as bad. If you define your boyfriend trying to kill himself in the bathroom during the late hours of the night bad, then yes it's fucking bad." I hissed through gritted teeth. Sometimes I didn't even understand why I talked to Luke about this kind of stuff, he was in my mind still just a kid.
He didn't know what heartbreak felt like.
The lucky bastard.
"Harry..."
"If you're going to sit there and tell me about how sorry you are for me, I don't want to hear it. Why... Why am I not enough for him? Why does he still think like this?" I started to cry a little, placing my head on the counter top as I felt Luke start to rub my back.
"I can't really relate to you, but I can tell you that he loves you. I've only talked to him maybe two or three times, but you can just see the love and admiration in his eyes for you. He loves you."
"Sometimes love doesn't seem to be enough though."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I don't think I can keep doing this. I feel like... I feel like everything I do is just pointless. He... He doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm here for him. He hardly tells me the truth, and when he does it's only after we've been in a fight for a while. I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to understand what's going on. I love him Luke, more than anything but sometimes I don't think he realizes it. I mean fuck... He tried to kill himself with me just in the other room."
"People have their reasons."
"Everything has a fucking reason to it. I just want to understand why I'm not enough for him."
"Has he ever told you that?"
"No, but his actions prove it well enough."
"We've all got our demons Harry, sometimes we let them win though. He loves you, and by you thinking that he doesn't makes this whole situation worse. Really you shouldn't even be here... You should be with him working things out." Liam finally chimed in, patting my cheek as I looked up at him.
"I'm scared of what will happen."
"It's okay to be scared."
"I don't want to be."
"Well I guess you're in a world full of trouble, everyone's scared of something. Now get your ass out of my bar or I'll have Zayn drag you out."
"Zayn's not even here."
"Yes he is."
"No he's not. I have to watch the kids this weekend cause he's visiting his family."
"Okay. I guess you caught me, but I will drag you out of here if I have to."
"I know you will."
"Then leave."
"Jeez, way to make someone feel welcome Li."
"I can treat you like shit cause you're my cousin."
"That's no excuse."
"I'm serious Harry."
"Okay! I'm leaving." But I made no effort to move, for some reason the fear was keeping me glued to my chair. I didn't want to know what was waiting for me at home.
And that pissed me off the most.
"Harry."
"I know."
"I hate seeing you like this."
"I know."
"Do... Do you want me to drive you there?"
"No... I just... I'm not ready to go back."
"You need to."
"I know."
"The sooner the better."
"I guess."
"Then why aren't you leaving?"
"Because my ass feels like it's literally glued to this seat right now." Luke snorted next to me, earning a glare from not only myself but from Liam as well.
"Sorry..." He mumbled, looking back down at the stupid binder.
"Why does life have to be so goddamn complicated?" I asked once the sudden want to punch Luke in the face went away.
"Because that's just how life is. It's some mystery. We're thrown into it without a map and we get to figure out what it exactly is. We go through so much shit to what? Die. It's a fucking joke sometimes, but I'd rather be apart of joke then be the one who didn't quite catch the punchline." Liam said, shrugging at the end as he finished drying the next glass.
"You really should've been some sort of philosopher, I swear to god."
________________________________________________________________________
Sorry for disappearing for three days or so. I don't really know.
Im just tired.
And sick.
Kinda pissed
Just wanna sleep.
But I felt bad for not updating so here you guys go.
Dedication:
MoanOhNarry
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Connie xx
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Burning Up (n.h. + h.s.)(Sequel to Shiver)(Book Two)
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