Malice

-13

-Reagan-

John's skeptical glances did not go unnoticed and I was sure if I didn't get sick twenty times  a day, there would be no skepticism. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it seemed I was most nauseous when he was around; during dinner or in the mornings when I had to run to the bathroom. He knew, there was no way he didn't but I couldn't bring myself to officially tell him. It's not like I wanted to any way. Given things that had happened recently, I didn't have a clue how he would react.

This morning was like all of the others in the past few days except he wasn't home when I had woken up and did my morning ritual of vomiting out my stomach. It was insufferable, left my eyes watering and my ribs sore. I was over it. Thankfully I didn't have to work today, so after showering I just put on a clean pair of pajamas and went downstairs to make some ginger and peppermint tea-which didn't help jack. Eating wasn't even a thing; the moment I opened the fridge, my lip curled in disgust at the contents and I slammed it closed. 

For most of the morning I kept myself distracted with the living room television and fought through the unabated waves of nausea. I knew that eventually-and soon-I would have to go to the OB...and then there would be a bill that I would probably wait by the mailbox for to take of without my husband knowing. The odds of that working successfully were probably slim to none. 

There wasn't one bit of resentment towards the pregnancy but I wasn't exactly enthused about it either. There was a feeling of detachment from me and the life growing inside of me and that was enough to get me depressed. I knew what was going to happen and it seemed like I was just watching the clock and waiting for it. There was no way this pregnancy would be viable. None of them had. But there was no one I could put the blame on. I'd known the possibility had been there being with Nathan-in the deepest corner of my brain-but I had ignored it...childishly. 

Maybe there was just some hope there...and I hated it. 

When lunch time rolled around, I forced food down that only came back up twenty minutes later. It all just made me emotional...a fucking emotional wreck. My only escape was sleep so I shut the curtains and turned the lights out before I crawled into bed for maybe a little peace. The nap was a godsend and I didn't think I had ever slept so hard in my entire life. It was just another reminder of what my body was going through. The exhaustion-that had popped up unexpectedly in the last couple days- was nearly as bad as the nausea. 

If John hadn't been there shaking me awake some time later, I would have slept through the evening and probably the night. Coming fully awake felt nearly impossible; my lids refused to open for a minute and I just wanted to shrink further into the bed and ignore him. "Are you alright?" John asked when I managed to open my eyes. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, face frowning in the lamp light that had been turned on. He was handsome and for a moment, I took him in.

"Just sleepy." I sat up in bed and glanced at the clock on the bedside table. I had slept for hours-past dusk. No wonder he was here now. 

"Hmm," John leaned over then and kissed me. It was more of a greeting than anything romantic but didn't fail to get my heart beating. It was the last thing his lips should make me do considering things that had left them. Mean words. What about the things they did to Theodora... Stop it, before you throw up on him. "You're pregnant, aren't you, Reagan?" The question came as he pulled away from me. In an instant, my heart sped up for an entirely different reason. 

I didn't know rather to say yes or no...lie or tell the truth. My mouth opened but I closed it and I frowned at him. It shouldn't have even been a question. John's jaw ticked...I was sure things were going to only get nasty from here. "That's all the answer I need." He finally said and raked his fingers through his hair as if he were stressed. I wanted to say something as he stood up from the bed, but I didn't; it could be all he needed to unravel. I watched him walk to the door but before he left, he glanced back at me, "I'll be here for this one too...don't worry,"