Malice

-14

-Reagan-

Everything was fine. I fully expected the doctor to tell me that I was probably in the beginning stages of a miscarriage or that, when she decided to perform a sonogram, there would be no heartbeat. But there had been, along with the tiniest speck, fluttering away, that was my child on the screen. I told myself that I shouldn't be happy about this and that just like all of the other times, it would end the same this time. Apparently my heart had other plans; it ached joyously when I heard the heartbeat, seen the chambers pumping and it brought tears to my eyes.

I sat behind the wheel of my car for the longest time just staring down at the grainy black and white photo. Nathan Monroe and I had created that tiny speck..."I expected John would be here, seeing as he was so supportive all the other times." Thinking of Dr. Rivera's words now, made me feel regret...and I had lied to her, made up an excuse as to why my husband wasn't there. John didn't even know I had went to see her. Would he feel relief knowing that I had bled? Would he comfort me? Tell me that he would be there when it all ended?

That would hardly be comforting. If I knew anything about him, he would only say it to cause me pain. He was good at that. If it was our baby, would it be different? I was not ready to just give up on my marriage-even though John deserved to be given up on-but what would happen if I was able to carry this child to full term? Would it have to live in two different households? How would Nathan feel about that? How would John feel about that-my husband who was so sure that this would end in miscarriage? To hell with them both if they didn't like it.

However, I didn't dwell on that outcome because, like John, I didn't think this would last past a couple of months. I stuck the sonogram picture in my purse before I left the parking lot of the doctors office and headed for Nathan's. It didn't matter what I believed at the end of the day...this was his baby and he had every right to know the state of it's health rather good or bad. My feelings towards the entire situation were still so conflicting; I either felt like this was an epic disaster or the best thing ever. Unfortunately I had more feelings of the first than the latter. Except for earlier when I had gotten to see and hear the little life...

When I made it to Nathan's house, I parked in the driveway beside his truck like it was my place and got out. The front door was opened up when I made it to the porch and I knocked on the screen door. Walking in would just make me feel too entitled and I wasn't that comfortable. "Comfortable enough to let him impregnate you..." I mumbled under my breath as I waited for an answer. At least I could joke about it right?

The seconds ticked by as I stood there and waited. Finally I did just walk in. The curtains in the living room were tied back, letting in all of the natural lighting from the bright day but the place was quiet. "Nathan?" I called out, expecting Rocky to come and greet me any second. It seemed even he was no where around. I walked through the living room and passed the entrance to the kitchen into the dining room. Like the front door, the back was open and through the glass of the screen door I could see the pit bull that was usually so lively, laying in the grass...bathing in the sun.

I headed out and when I stepped out onto the back patio, Nathan was in the yard, measuring wood. Shirtless, might I add, tattoos on display, sweat beading every exposed inch of his tanned skin. I suddenly felt like I needed some water. He was something sinful. Knowing that there was something inside of me that was part of him, made me physically shudder. Rocky lifted his head from the grass and his tail started wagging. "Hey. I knocked but you didn't answer, so I just let myself in." I announced when he looked up next. For a second his hazel eyes were the only thing in the universe that existed. A fine pair they were.

"I didn't hear you. It's fine." Nathan replied, tossed his tape measure down by a saw and smiled across the yard at me. Those god damned dimples...Would our son or daughter have dimples? The thought only brought pain. I was going to kill myself if I kept thinking that way. When he reached the patio and closed in, I noticed the bruise on his jaw. The green color it turned indicated that it was a couple days old.