Air Catcher

I'm Trying to Sleep

Alyx's pov

"Oh, we should go get ice cream or something sometime!" I suggested over the phone.

"Wow, you finally exist again after you destroy not one, but two hearts." Hannah laughed.

I ignored her. "Do you have anything going on this weekend?"

"Hmm... I don't know... I might be spending every waking moment with my boyfriend."

I rolled my eyes and rolled over on my bed. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry I neglected you so much. Now do you want ice cream or not?"

"Actually, yes. Yes, I do." Hannah laughed again.

"OK. I'll talk to Merritt."

I said goodbye and called my other best friend.

"How are you holding up?" She asked as soon as she picked up.

"Eh, alright. So, I was wondering, do you wanna-"

She cut me off. "Dude! I just remembered! Josh wasn't lying about Brendon! I'm going to meet Brendon freaking Urie!"

"Wait... what!?"

"Remember at the concert he mentioned meeting him? Apparently he was actually playing the drums at some kind of festival and Brendon was there and now he wants to meet Josh. I'm going with him!"

I screamed. "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!" I couldn't get a coherent sentence out of my mouth.

"I KNOW RIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M MEETING MY IDOL! Sorry, what were you going to say?" Her tone suddenly changed.

"Oh, I was going to ask if you want to go get ice cream with Hannah and I this weekend." I remembered.

"Oh, sure, why not? That actually sounds awesome. I've missed spending time with you two alone."

"Same here." I actually meant it.

After I hung up I realized I had two missed calls from a number I didn't recognize. I ignored them and put my phone on my nightstand. It was 10:00, and I was actually trying to sleep for the first time in months. My body didn't want sleep, but just now it was my best option, so I laid in bed for hours until my mind finally gave up on waking life. My dreams were oddly muted and boring. Nothing really happened in them other than my day to day life, but there was a strange feeling hanging in the air around me. An incomplete feeling. A broken feeling. Someone was missing from those dreams.

The next few days were actually enjoyable. I hung out my friends every chance I got and got to know Gerard and Frank better. The Ways even invited me to their family night. I kept myself busy with any distractions I could.

Night was more difficult, though. I started going to bed earlier but woke up several times throughout the night. My guitar strings felt the strain of my sleep deprivation. The blue of the wood faded more than it already was; just as tired as my voice was becoming from all my late night musicals.

I noticed Josh didn't hang out around us as often as he used to. My only guess was he was with Tyler. I felt bad for tearing our group apart. Most days I would eat on my own in the art room, if I didn't find Gerard and Frank making out in there. Which had happened on more than one occasion.

Through the next three weeks I kept getting calls from the same number, but I didn't bother answering them. Whoever was trying to reach me obviously had the wrong number. On Saturday night I woke up four times in two hours. The fourth time I gave up and grabbed my phone.

'You up Hannah? I could use one of your pep talks.'

I got a response almost immediately. 'You should probably ask her that.'

I looked at the contact name and used under my breath. 'Tyler... hey. Sorry, I didn't mean to text you.'

'No, it's OK. I've been wanting to talk to you.' He texted.

My heart twisted painfully. I pulled my headphones on and put my playlist on shuffle. I was going to need my music to get myself through whatever was going to happen.

'How come?'

He took several minutes to respond. 'I don't want whatever is going on with us to tear our friends apart.'

I sighed. I didn't know if this was what I wanted or if it was what I was dreading. 'Me too. What should we do?'

'I think the best way would be for us to stay friends. It might be awkward for a while, but I think it's for the best.'

Tears sting my eyes. 'You're right. Friends is good.'

'Yeah, it is, don't get me wrong, but if we're going to make the effort to do this I need you to know exactly how I feel going into it.'

I froze. I didn't know if I could take this. 'Ok.' But he didn't say anything else. Instead he called me. Which was so much worse. I pulled my headphones around my neck. "Hey," I did my best to sound calm. And emotionally stable. Avoiding someone is one thing. Being confronted by someone you still had feelings for was another.

"I know you thought breaking up was for the best." He started. "And you know I couldn't disagree more. But before we try to salvage this relationship-- in any form-- I need you to know: I l-" His voice broke and he stopped. I did my best not to start sobbing.

"I care about you. A lot, Alyx. That's not going to change anytime soon. But as long as you know that I'm more than willing to be friends, because I can't let you out of my life entirely. It would break me."

I pulled the phone away from my ear and let out a silent scream in an attempt to ease my pain. When the phone was once again by my head I took five deep breaths to steady myself and stall.

"Please don't be mad." Tyler begged.

I could almost see him through his rough, tired voice. I could almost see the bags under his eyes, so dark they could be bruises. I could see his dark hair, tangled and messy from running his hands through it. His features seemed to sag in my mind; seemed years older than they should.

I hadn't talked to him for weeks. I thought he was OK. But just the sound of his familiar voice was enough to let me know just how much this was hurting him. Enough to tear my heart into pieces.

"I'm not. How could I ever be mad at you, Tyler?"

He didn't say anything.

"I would love to be friends again. I need that more than you know." I was surprised the words escaped me when I tried so hard to keep them in.

"Then why-"

"I had my doubts before we even started dating. That's why I rejected you that time. Your mother showed me I was wrong to ignore them. High school relationships never work. We both should have known we were doomed."

"Alyx, my mom changed her mind! She's on our side! If we had given her time we never would've had to split in the first place! She knows we have a chance!"

"Well then she's just as foolish as I was." Tears were streaming down my face.

"You don't believe that."

I shook my head and mouthed, 'I don't! Of course I don't!'

"I do. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. This is for the best."

"If you could see the both of us, if you weren't so blind-"

"I- I'm sorry. I can't argue with you." My voice broke despite my efforts time keep it strong.

"At least we got most of it aside before Monday." Tyler said, his voice resigned and tired.

"Goodbye." I hung up before he could say anything else.

Pulling my headphones back to my ears, I selected a song.

'If I could I'd trade my heart for a second brain,' I sobbed and turned it up so loud I thought my eardrums would burst. 'I wish I was as brave as my last name suggests. I want to pour my feelings down the drain.'

I didn't fall back asleep that night.