Air Catcher

Waging My Wars Behind My Face and Above My Throat

Alyx's pov

Another call. From the same number as all the others I had ignored. Another day pretending everything was 'normal' at school, whatever that meant. Another lunch attempting small talk when I felt like I was drowning. Another test I forgot about. Another awkward goodbye. Another empty afternoon in my room. Another sleepless night.

My new routine took all of my energy. No one in my family knew anything was wrong. They thought I was just getting sick. After a week of it my tortured soul had gone numb. I became sarcastic and snappish. Everyone sleep just thought I was stressed. Just frustrated with school. Everyone but Tyler.

He was feeling it too, I was sure. He gave me knowing glances more than once a day, and was getting quieter and sadder. He was just as numb as I was.

I thought I could get away with it. Thought I could get away with being distant. Until Merritt confronted me.

"What the heck is going on with you?" She asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I tried to walk past her.

"No. No, you are not fine. If anyone knows what someone acts like when they're 'fine' except they're not it's me. Now what's the matter?" She put her arms on her hips.

"I- ugh. It's nothing! I just need to get over myself." I looked down.

Mere sighed. "You mean you need to get over Tyler."

I didn't deny it.

"If the past week and a half has done anything it's proven that won't happen anytime soon."

"Yes, it will. It has to." I was determined.

"OK, well, let me know if and when you need to rant. Or if you need any help with that." Merritt shrugged and walked away.

To be fair, she was right. The next day I called her and ranted for an hour. She listened calmly and did her best to give advise, though I wouldn't listen to most of it. But it had still helped to talk to her.

As soon as I hung up I got another call. I was tempted not to answer.

"Alyx," Tyler started.

I laid down. How much more of this could I handle?

"How do we stop faking it?" I asked, my voice fragile.

"I... I don't know. But what we're doing now is hurting you as much as it's hurting me."

"I- "

"Don't try to deny it. I know you. You can't have changed that much in a month." His words would have seemed hard if his voice hadn't been softer than I had ever heard it.

"No... I haven't." I consented.

"Is there any way I could convince you to give us a second chance?" He had let down all his walls, had left himself utterly vulnerable to ask what he had called for. He lay there, broken and hurting in front of me, asking one simple question. And the words I responded with almost ended us both.

"I can't." I was openly crying now. I didn't care if he could hear.

He didn't say anything for a while. "Meet me at the library next Friday after school. Don't say no right now, think about it first. Promise me you'll think about it."

I hesitated. "Just thinking. I'm not going to promise anything else."

"That's enough. Goodnight, Alyx."

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The next morning I was more exhausted than I had been in a long time. And that was saying something. When my phone rang with the same number I had been ignoring for weeks I groaned and picked it up.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Alyx? This is Tyler's mom. I'm so glad you finally answered. I just want to talk to you."

I rolled my eyes. "Mrs. Joseph, I appreciate you reaching out to me, but it's too late. You woke me up and I'm not going back into that dream."

"But I was wrong!"

"Goodbye, Mrs. Joseph." I hung up. I couldn't handle any more of this. I was in control of myself and I wasn't going to listen to anyone else.

I yelled downstairs to my mom that I was sick and was going to stay home from school. I spent the day locked in my room, playing songs on my guitar, reading, and doodling. Anything to keep me from thinking. It didn't help much. Around lunch time Hannah and Merritt both texted me asking why I wasn't at school. I told them I was taking a mental health day and would most likely be back tomorrow. They understood. I went back to distracting myself with anything I could. Anything at all.

School was over when Tyler texted. 'Are you OK?'

'You don't need to check up on me.' I insisted.

'Am I not allowed to be worried about you?' He asked.

'No, you aren't. You don't have a reason to be.'

'OK, I'll stop bothering about you, but you can't stop me from being concerned. See you tomorrow?'

'We'll see.' I looked up and glared into my mirror. Why was I being so rude? His intentions were good. I shook my head. I wouldn't worry about it right now.

I grabbed a blanket, wrapped myself in it, put my headphones on, and laid down. The music was loud enough to drown my thoughts, loud enough to give me some glimmer of peace.

'I'm living proof of compromise... I'm sick of everything I've been around enough to get used to...I'm two-faced from the double exposure, stop right there don't come any closer! I wish I was royal but I'm not... you won't like what you see, so keep your eyes off of me.'

I don't know how I fell asleep to music that loud, but it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time.