Paradoxes of her.

Chapter VII. Not anymore.

Holding on or letting go? It's actually never been a dilemma and it's not a choice either. It's practically made by our own complicated human brain. It doesn't matter if you lose someone because they're still a part of you and you're still a part of them. It doesn't matter if you run away from home because you'll eventually come home. No matter how I try to cheat myself, in a short term it would save me. But in a long run, it would destroy me. I cannot cheat what destiny holds in store.

It's been 3 months and I'm still here, waiting without any hesitation that I might get hurt again. Can you believe it? How stupid can I be? Nathan, the guy who approached me keeps on walking like flash that i can barely catch up.

"How long are you willing to be blind?"

"You already know the truth" he said without even looking at me. He pauses and then took a deep breath "but you weren't even sure if you knew it yourself".

I get lose in the beauty of being high and addicted to love without even realizing that I've been convicted to pay the debt of taking too much of it. He starts walking a little bit slower than he used to and look at me indignantly. He pulls me at the side of the tree and told me to stay in those shadows to avoid any suspicious glances. Pressured as I am, I couldn't think of any possibilities that this day will end well.

dhug dhug dhug dhug...

I can hear every heartbeat from my chest. I look from my left to the right corner of the park and my eyes were caught by the shadows of the couple playing in the middle of the green shady grass. I couldn't see them, only the movements of their shadows. They sound so happy. I smiled and slowly freed myself from the comfort of the tree. The wind starts playing with my long black hair while I'm walking down the aisle.

My heart thudded in my chest as my eyes meet the shadows. It was him, the guy that I've been waiting for so long but I choose to close my eyes than to stare at him..

Than to stare at him with her....

I racked my brain, pulling memories of every painful detail of the first encounter. It's still fresh and time doesn't allow me to heal my wounds as it pears me again with his broken arrow. Before I can go any further, Nathan grasps my body and pulls me to his manly shoulders.

"I only wished you hadn't learned that in a hard way" he whispers on my ears while soothing my hair. I broke off into a torrent of sobs, still letting my eyes close. I don't want to see anything.

Not anymore.

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My heart clenched and I broke into a run. Catching the most oxygen in my body, they're also leaving me quite fast. I ran to the highest point of the park and it was Nathan's turn to catch up with me. I couldn't force myself to take it slow and I couldn't force myself to just let it go. What happened to us? I feel the bitterness crawling all over my body. I couldn't do anything. I start shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs

"Are you happy now?! Is that all you got ha!" I burst into tears again with my hands covering my eyes. My knees begun to get weak and I found myself sitting on the ground.

Nathan just let me cry out loud, let me curse the world.

"It's over" I said slowly, the events are coming back to me in hideous clarity. What happened to us? that question keeps on harassing me. The clouds start to get dark, the wind becomes colder and the rain starts pouring all over the place.

Nathan immediately covered me with his jacket and pulling me into his chest. I feel so weak that I couldn't move even a single muscle in my body. With all his strength, he pulls me up and asked me to run as I can. The next thing I knew, I was lying in a place where the wall were painted in a white satin and the smell of the medicine is all over my nostrils.

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It's been three weeks and I'm still wearing the same pajama as I got home from the hospital. My hair looks like a broom stick and I smell like an ogre. I'm depressed and I reach the point where I couldn't care more. I lose my interest in almost everything and I also broke up with foods. I look like a panda with all the bags underneath my eyes. It's like being on the same position as I am 4 months ago. I stop writing and I just engaged myself with my bed. Being in love with my bed is way better than shoving a knife on my chest over and over again. Stop it cupid, I would never trust you again. I'm contented with my bed and my pillow.

The thin door opened "Yumiko Lockhart!" Rose angrily exclaimed.

"Get up!" she walks straight in front of me and trying her best to remove all the blankets rolled all over my body. It's been a long time that I haven't seen her and I really do miss her but I'm not in a mood right now. I don't want any interview or any suggestions from anyone. Even her.

"Get lost Rose. I'm not feeling well".

"Get up and there's a lot of things that are valuable than that guy and the slutty whore".

"What do you mean? We don't even know who that girl is and plus I'm not thinking about them" the fact that I also want to find out who she is and ripped her heart out but I think it's better to just let them do whatever they want... Not.

I took a few steps away from the bed, seating myself in the old chair at the corner of my room. I think I deserve to know the truth and I deserve an explanation.

"You're so busy being into him that you forgot to be into yourself". Rose started to brush my hair. The comb broke.

"Even the comb doesn't want me". i sadly look at the broken comb and exhaled deeply.

"Oh come on! You're Yumiko Lockhart! Smartest girl in the campus/ have that body that is built for man's pleasure and the face that can defeat Helen of troy that sunk thousands of ship! Suck it up!" that made me laugh. She's right; I have to return the favour of taking good care of myself. I need to earn the respect that was once I lost. I smiled then look at myself in the mirror.

"Helen? More like Fiona!" I hit her with the broken comb.

"Ouch!" she exclaimed then starts laughing at me.

"You just need to fix your hair and take stop tying it up. Let it lose! Anyway, I'm not an expert when it comes to studying but I'm the best image stylist in town!" I look at her from the tip of her toe to the last strand of her hair.

"Nah, I don't trust you".

"Fine, let's just seek for some advice!" she frowns and pouted her lips with her hands on her waist.

"2 hours on the salon and 5 hours with the image stylist, I feel so tired. This is the worst day ever. I want to go back to bed." I keep on complaining to Rose while she's reading the magazine.

"Shh. You have to bear with the pain in your butt." She's also in the salon for her hair make-over. From her blonde hair, to a brunette type of beauty and it actually looks better on her. I can see her dark blue eyes now, unlike before when she's wearing those thick glasses. Finally! The hair stylist is now on her way to towards my direction. She took off the plastic cover and asked me to follow her to the shampoo room.

"You have some very lovely eyes my dear". She keeps on smiling and looking at me while shampooing my hair. I smiled back at her and say "Thank You".

20 minutes had passed and Rose is waiting for me at the lounge area. The stylist pasted a large smile on her face and winked at me. Curious about the way I look like, I immediately went out to find some mirror. My lips hung open as an expression of admiration. Rose slowly approached me and gave me a thumps up gesture. Same as Rose, I took off my thick glasses so my hazel eyes would bloom. From black to a blonde hair with big curls all the way to my hips. They also added some extensions to add some volume in it. Seductive.

I start to picture the classic half smirk he wore whenever he introduced himself to beautiful women. That's the smirk that all the girls would die for, well.. Not anymore.

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