If Only

7|Pyramids and Diamonds 2

Rayne

2022

It was homecoming week at SU; something that never lacked excitement. This year, I was iffy about going because of the knowledge I'd gained within the past couple months.

 Like always, Liberty had convinced me to go in order to boost my spirits. It was nothing like seeing old classmates, friends, and my line sisters, especially since I moved to Georgia.

Free and Amir moved out here too, since he and I worked at our old professor's criminal justice law firm. Despite the name, we didn't just take wrongly convicted cases. We took whatever cases we believed had reason to fight for, and for that reason alone were pretty much guaranteed to become partner within the next few years. We'd been interning since freshman year and only became better when we joined forces post law school.

"Baby, from here on out no more. I'm done, I swear." I rolled my eyes over what he was telling me. I've heard it all before, and I'm surprised I haven't called off the engagement. It wasn't that easy, though. I loved him.

"I hear you, Eli. But until I see a difference, I won't listen. Maybe we should just cancel the wedding and just... take time. Maybe go see a counselor to make sure we're good and that this," I motioned between us, "Is right." 

We waited for the carousel to bring around our luggage from our flight. 

"Cancel the wedding? We don't even have a date but you want to cancel it? And counseling is for crazy people. Black people don't go to counseling."

Hearing his words, I immediately jerked my head. 

"Counseling is not for crazy people. It's for people who want to get better and actually take action to do so by being strong and vulnerable enough to get insight from another person. And there are plenty of black people who counsel as well as go to counseling. With all the shit we have to deal with for just being black, every black person should at least be exposed to that once, even if it's not a real counselor. And we don't have a date because of you. Let's not do this again."

 I was over him and over this conversation. I just wanted to see my baby Free and her hubby as if I don't see them close to every day. They beat us to Louisiana by flying in a day earlier to make arrangements for baby Kadence to stay with her g'ma.

Liberty's mom moved to Louisiana after we graduated to be closer to her brother. Free and Amir got married close to two years ago and had baby girl last year. She made sure on her promise. I didn't. But it wasn't on purpose.

After we got into our Lyft to ride to the hotel, our argument continued where it left off at baggage claim. 

"We don't have a date because of me? I've set numerous dates over and over for the past year and a half. You keep shutting them down." I nodded. What he was saying was true, but he omitted the reason for my failure to comply. 

"Why should I be in a rush to marry someone who continually cheats, Elijah?" He sighed, slouching into his seat.

"I apologized for that, Rayne."

I chuckled bitterly. "Yeah, you did. After you got caught in your lie. And it was the same person each time. You continually embarrassed me each time I questioned you, and then always tried to spin back on me as if I have a past of doing you wrong. You've only been consistent for the past nine months."

I hated that the person who supposedly loved me made me feel so insecure. I felt obsessive and controlling when I checked his whereabouts and who'd he was communicating with, but I wasn't  willing to start over and open the hurt of my past.