Roses are Red

4. Everyday

7 years later

Cambridge was a nice city, filled with art, science and cyclists who think that they are indestructible. We've been here for 4 months now and I keep begging Carly if we can stay, we've been running for years. An extra 6 months won't hurt. I'm going to university here, I have a job as a barista in the Starbucks at the grand arcade and have friends for the first time. 

Carly had been on edge for the first time in a while, normally she was relaxed and sort of just allowed me to accept that I know that we would have to leave. This time she made a habit of making snarky comments about how I won't get the type of attention I'm hoping for if I stay here for longer than I need to. It's been 7 years and it's hard to think that people will put in the effort to find someone for that long. Why are my brother and I so important? The sad thing is that he's 18 now and I don't even know what he looks like anymore. If I could have at least one photo of my little brother, that would mean everything.

I still wonder... if my mother is still alive and if Jason is as well. The thought comes to me every morning. The dreams...nightmares I've had are so vivid, so real. My mother dying, Jason running from wolves, being cornered and then, it just ends. My skin burns and I scream, I hear this voice in my head telling me to stop screaming and to run, to change. I scream for Carly every night and she shoves a black pill in my throat until I swallow and finally sleep.

When I sleep after taking the black pills I don't dream. It's like I'm dead, there is just nothing, no voice, no growling sound and no visions. I just wake up the next morning like nothing happened, as I should.

Through these 7 years, all I've known is to run and trust Carly. To move every 4-6 months never the same place twice, never the same names, never the same situation.

Hi, I'm Jane, I just moved here with my foster mum Candice.

Hi, I'm Rose, I just moved here with my Auntie Holly.

Hi, I'm Anne, I just moved here with my foster mum Clair.

Hi, I'm Gwen, I just moved here with my Auntie Teresa.

Carly lets me choose the names sometimes, depending on if I bring it up or not. It's running out of situations and answers to questions that are the hard part. Especially when at one point I liked a guy, I wanted to stay with him because he made me feel, kind of normal. He wanted to know more about me when we started dating and getting intimate, but I couldn't give him the truth. It felt horrible, lying to someone you could potentially love one day, but I had to do it, to protect Jason and my life.

Carly never told me who we were running from, she would always say the less you know, the better it is. It was hard, to trust her fully at the start. There was a change in Carly about a year into running where we started to talk like friends, I could open up to her after a while. She would listen. She was kind, even though she acted harsh and blunt at the start. There are times I look at her and wonder if she's scared too.

Hi, I'm Rachael, I've just moved here with my foster mum Charlotte.
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Waking up felt like a chore. To get up and act like I'm still not grieving, to act like I'm Rachael Christie who has a perfect life, well sort of. Carly is playing my Foster mum as always, sometimes she is my aunt, her fake name is Charlotte Christie. Although her cover may have been blown by me having an episode while my friend Grace was with me, I shouted at her "get me to Carly." She wasn't mad, she was okay with it. She told me that one day someone would find out our real names.

"Rachael!" I whipped my head round to look behind me, to see Grace a few feet away from me, once she's beside me she links arms with me and smiles wide. "You look so dazed, in your own little world?" She laughs.