THIS DEVELOPING STORY MAY CONTAIN SOME STRONG LANGUAGE, SCENES OF INTIMACY, ETC. 28 year-old Charmaine Hawthorn is finally reaching success as an image consultant. She's earned it. After 7 years of hard work, sleepless nights, and those "it's-eit...
It's 4:30 AM and I can't sleep. My mind gives me no rest- during the day, it's like being on autopilot. At night, my decisions haunt me. This insomnia isn't healthy, I know it. What else can I do? I can't expose this secret. It will crush those I love. I'd rather crush alone, as my decisions are mine. Influenced by society and subconsciously by those who tell me things because they love me. Quincy wasn't the one- I knew it before I let him in. It was very rebellious of me, against my normal to go after him. Can you say the good girl has gone bad? I don't know. I think I was bad all along, or the bad wouldn't have taken root as quickly. The relationship shouldn't have gone as far as it did. How stupid was I to let him get so close to me, to expose a part of myself I didn't like. Was that growth? Or delay? I loathe who I became when under pressure.
No one knows what I did. And I regret that I have done it and kept it from my friend Don, the one who told me she'd be with me no matter what. I love her so much, but she can't know that losing the baby was intentional. Talking about it would be like pulling the knife out of her back, giving pain that she didn't know was there. I can't do it to her. I'd rather crush alone.
I pray to God about it every day, making known that this was something on the spur of the moment. Or was it? I had time to think about it, despite my mind clouded with fear. Fear of my parents dismissing me and my baby. Fear of what they'd think. How would I manage taking care of the baby on my own? I knew I couldn't do it. It's a miracle that not much damage was done, only more need of rest (which still doesn't come to me) and medication for the kidney infection that seemed to linger for longer than it should have. I deserve it. I took life from someone who didn't have a choice to come into existence. Now I'll never know what he or she would have been.
I'm so sorry, child. But trust me, your mommy didn't know what she was doing. She probably would have killed you in a different way if you came into this world. She probably would have killed you with her bitterness, her selfish expectations, her projection of problems that you have no part in. She probably would have told you "Don't embarrass me, because I raised you better than. You must be perfect, no room for mistakes." I'm so sorry, I thought it would have been best to send you back where you came from. You will remain perfect and pure where you are. In heaven, you won't have a bad record. You won't know what it would feel like to be held to standards you didn't understand. You won't know what it feels like to know right from wrong. You won't witness how mean and selfish people can be. You will just know purity, light, perfection. You won't know sickness or poverty. You won't know perverse or racist behavior. You won't know feelings, hurt, or harm from anything else other than what you felt before I let you go. I'm sorry I made you feel death so soon. I pray that God will forgive me for that. I pray that you will too.
<3,
Charm
Charmaine read her words as tears flowed. It's been a while since she's cried- her life was still on autopilot, and the minute she began to drift into a rabbit hole of toxic memories, she'd drown it in prosecco. Thankfully it only happens when this time of the year comes, when she remembers the cold floor beneath her as she fell in the middle of class. It still left a residue of pain she would never wish upon anyone else, and this letter brought it back. She couldn't help reminding herself how messed up she was, how much she still needs to heal. While she still values her singleness and loves her own space, she can't help but think if this is something she is doing to avoid what she is afraid of. Her fear of love outside of herself is still prevalent, and she rarely acknowledges it.
"Hopefully this conversation with Quincy will be just the closure I need," She says as she sits on her patio. Titan is asleep, snoring a soothing song Charmaine has grown accustomed to. The little pup has no worries at all- as long as he's fed, walked, and given daily belly rubs. Her meeting with Quincy is tomorrow, and she feels ready. Not sure if she actually is, or if she just wants it all to be over. Either way, this has to be the answer. They can wash their hands of the past, and move on without each other. She hopes he doesn't have a hidden agenda of trying to get back with her, for she has repeatedly expressed how long ago that ship has sailed.
She even decides on an outfit that shows how much she doesn't want her intentions to be misconstrued. A slightly cool breeze is predicted for the afternoon they planned, so she settled on a classic flannel button up she found when thrifting the men's section one day, her boyfriend Levi's jeans, and Converse low tops in white. Her haircut appointment isn't until the next day, so she'll decide on a baseball cap or beanie to camouflage her need for a shape-up. She is honestly looking forward to her coffee order more than she is her old lover. And with the 4-hour drive, she'll at least have time to think about what she has to say...or how she wants to say it.
She takes her journal of secrets and mug of chamomile tea into her bedroom, then into her closet. She thought about burning the journal, but there is still something she must sort through. And while she doesn't want to think about that tragic event anymore, her past still has a hold on her. She buries it back into a mini vault hidden behind her wall of shoes. Maybe one day she'll be willing to share her story despite the fear of being judged. It's done and no one can change it.
Just as Charm is drifting off to sleep, Titan is at the corner of her bed begging to go outside and relieve himself. It's 4:30 AM.
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