Complex Charm

Chapter 13

"Hmmm. Well, I grew up in a middle-class home. Went to school, made friends. Nothing out of the ordinary." 
Charmaine continued to share her history with Dr. Ryan, including her college days and the relationship between her and Quincy. Her friendship with Donovan. Her...secret. 
Whoa. Did I just share something with this stranger I just met? A secret that I won't even share with my best friend? Charmaine thought. She was never good at hiding her feelings because it wasn't long before Shonda picked up on them. 
"If you'd like to chat more about the child, we can. I understand if it's too early to do that."
Charmaine straightened up after a few seconds of shock. "Umm, no. Maybe later."
"No problem. But you have to understand that is something we will have to get to sooner or later. It's part of you, and you can either let it make you or break you. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?" 
"No. You're the first person I've told. I haven't even told Quincy. I feel like I should have." Charmaine thought she'd be shedding tears again, but was shocked that there were none. Maybe she ran dry. Too much for the past week or two, and they were all wasted on a man who hasn't been in the picture for years. She shook off her thoughts to continue the conversation with Shonda. 
"I understand. Would you mind talking about why you decided not to?"
"Because with him, I felt that he was either going to make it seem like an omen that we should be together. That or he would have been proven right- I wasn't able to take care of a child without his help. It was a toxic relationship I wanted no ties to. And once I left home never to come back again-unless I was seeing my family of course- I figured I'd be a distant memory to him. But he texted me out of the blue like those years weren't real. The memories of how bad we were for each other...those came back. I didn't want that back. I wanted to move on."
Shonda nodded her head in empathy. "I see. You had every right to do so. Protect your energy, especially if you've been in that territory before. But thankfully, you both reconciled before the dreaded result. As much as you thought he would dismiss you for making your decision, you mentioned that he was accepting of his mistakes when you told him you were declining his request for companionship. Maybe he would have been understanding of that, too." 
Charmaine sighed. "Yeah, you may be right. But I don't want to think about it anymore." 
"Okay. Okay. We can wrap up on a lighter note. Is there some ray of sunshine in the midst of your rain right now?" Shonda closes her notepad and places the pen on the side table.  
"Well, I don't know about that. I do have a guy who has shown interest, but I've ignored him so much due to this..." 
"Yes. I understand. But has he stopped reaching out?"
"No. I don't think he will. Maybe I attract very eager men."
Shonda chuckled a little. "Well, to be honest...you ARE a beautiful woman, Charmaine. So you shouldn't be surprised when you get attention. With men being very physical, visual human beings, some do feel they should own beauty. Very sexist, but that's another conversation for another day."
"Hmm. I know that's right." Charmaine agreed.
"However, I must know- are you interested as well?" Shonda leaned in a little. 
"I...I think so. There is an age difference, about 10 years. And he's...white."
The therapist's left eyebrow raised a bit. But there was also a smirk. 
"Okay," She said.
"I've never dated outside of my race before, and definitely not over 5 years. But, I don't know. When we went to a banquet at his company, he was very attentive and confident. I mean, he looks great. Kind of resembles Chris Hemsworth with a shorter cut."
"Ahh, okay. Sounds like the physical attractiveness is there a little bit. Hemsworth is a nice-looking guy."
Charmaine laughed. "Right? But anyway, I just don't know. We aren't from the same experiences, and when discussions about race or feminism come up, I don't how he will handle those things."
Shonda nods. "Well. I will tell you one thing- you don't know what you'd like to know unless you ask. As a prospect or not, you owe it to yourself who you give a chance. You can ask him everything now, while he is here. Don't let the loss of one person keep you from living. Love still exists, and I'm sure Quincy would want you to have it." 
"I-I don't know. I'm still vulnerable and need time to think about it. Plus, I'm a mess. Why am I thinking about a dating life? Shouldn't I be better mentally before taking on the baggage?"
Shonda leaned into Charmaine and grabbed her hand. "Honey, I will tell you right now. You will always have something mental going on. What keeps us sane are practices and methods incorporated into everyday life. I'm not saying you should date him right now, but I am saying you get to know more about a person when you are in your lower points. See how he handles you and needing therapy. If you want to break that to him, of course." 
"Right. I kind of did tell him I was taking some time to figure some things out. Just not what."
"Sure, if that's what works for you. If he understands, good. If not, then there's that. I'm only concerned about your mental health. So it's a must that you get out of your house at least once a day and spend at least 30 minutes in the sun. Do something active, then spend time doing something you love doing that doesn't involve work. Be creative in some way, just for the fun of it. Spend time in places you love."
"Okay," Charmaine replied. "Will do. Thank you. I hope you're patient with me through this journey."
"Of course, Charmaine. You're going to be okay. We're getting this journey going sooner than later, so that is always a good sign. See you next week?" Shonda rose from her chair after Charmaine.
"Yes, absolutely. See you next week." 

On her way back to her car, Charmaine checks her phone to see if Donovan has called to check on her. Before she could read her best friend's text, her phone vibrated. It was a call coming in. From Chad. Charmaine froze in the parking lot. She knew she couldn't ignore him for too long. He's done nothing to him, and he would only check in to see if she is okay. It's like she shuts people off by default. 
She slid right.
"Hello, Chad."
A sigh came from the other end. "Charmaine. Are you okay? I've been worried about you." 
"I know. I'm sorry. There's so much going on with me. I wasn't in a good place for the past few weeks. But I'm doing something about it."
"Okay, good. But you could have let me know you were still alive. I know we're not...together or anything, but you know I care about you." 
Charmaine caught herself smiling at Chad's words. 
"Yeah, that's part of why I didn't want to talk to you in the middle of it. I'm still in it, but I didn't want to act out of vulnerability yet. But I should have said something. Can we see each other somewhere? Sometime this week?" She wanted to see him again. And Dr. Ryan said to feel him out, right? See what he's here for and if she feels the same way. 
"Actually I'll be in Atlanta tomorrow on business. I'm in and out of meetings until 3, but if you need me sooner I can make arrangements."
Wow, all this for a prospect who hasn't committed. Well, not yet. She's still on the fence. 
"No need. 3 o'clock sounds good. I promise I won't bail."
Chad chuckled a bit. "Please don't. It's been a while since I've seen you, and I was beginning to think that I wouldn't anymore."
"Yeah, I know. But I intend to meet you tomorrow."
"Okay, good. I'm sure we'll be hungry around that time, so we can grab a bite to eat at this Mediterranean place I had the last time I was here. Is that okay?"
"Oh, you have no idea how long it's been since I've had greek food..." Or any, for that matter.
"Great. I can't wait to see you." End.
Charmaine hung up wondering what their reunion would be like. She envisioned her Chris Hemsworth greeting her at the table with flowers, trying not to run and hug her. But she stops herself from continuing the imagination. She likes him, but she just wants to know who he is. Where he stands in his own stability. Will it be a repeat on what she has gone through already? Will he use his status to manipulate her? 
Not if she can help it. And she definitely can. She was no longer the helpless little girl. She was established and did it all on her own. She cursed at her negative thoughts, reverting back to how this journey to healing is going to be a long one. 

I'm trying to keep this going. Hopefully, something juice comes up for this story! 

<33