Complex Charm

Chapter 11

"Are you okay?" Donovan asked.
Charm was speechless. She couldn't believe it. Quincy was gone. Not just out of her life, but gone... forever. In the blink of an eye, someone she said farewell to would never say hello again.
"Mmm", she replied. "I don't know. I haven't been feeling anything lately...at all."
Even though Charmaine and Donovan were just friends to Quincy (strong word, but the most suitable for them), they thought they'd give condolences to his family at his funeral. Seeing his mom for the first time in years was a lot, seeing how broken up she was over her son.  
It was as if time stopped and nothing was real. The feelings she felt over her ex-boyfriend was a shock. How could she feel so much for someone she thought she was over? Now, there is no choice but to move on. Before that, it was just an out-of-sight-out-of-mind type thing. Now, Quincy is lingering around a little longer than she'd like.
"I just saw him last week," Charmaine said. "And then this happens."
"I know, it's so sad. And all because of an impatient driver with road rage. Change comes at you fast." Donovan had a point there, with her interesting choice of words. As she didn't want to say death, it is something that changes everything. 
"How are you doing, honey?" asked Quincy's mom. "I'm so glad to see you here. I didn't think you'd come, with all that my son has put you through." 
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Blackford. Despite the things we've gone through, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And then I was the last to see him? And what about his children?" Charmaine was crying hysterically, needing to take a seat before she collapsed to the floor. Thankfully they weren't surrounded by other attendees, but her behavior wasn't expected. She was shocked by how much this was taking a toll on her. 
"It's okay, honey. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is not your fault, and the man responsible has been caught an locked up. For that I am thankful. But he is in a better place, I think. I prayed for him, and that may have been the reason he decided to reconcile with you. Before the Lord took him home, he was given the chance to right his wrongs. You were my favorite, honey. I wish he did right by you. But he made his own decisions and had to suffer the consequences. Now that he has apologized to you, I feel that was a weight lifted from his shoulders. It's okay, baby. Don't feel bad." 
Charmaine lifted her head to Mrs. Blackford, tear-stained cheeks putting streaks in her foundation. And she didn't know that her mascara wasn't waterproof but thank God for her Chanel sunglasses. Mrs. Blackford handed her a handkerchief to wipe away the mascara and placed a motherly kiss on her forehead.
"Heal, honey. Now's your time to heal. The feelings you've suppressed has finally come up, and now you must let it out for good. Your love can remain, but you must move on. Forget about me, too. There is nothing you can have with me other the past you shared with my son. I understand, and I want you to grow. To find love again, even though it will never be with my son." 
Charmaine finished drying her tears with the handkerchief, then stood once she found her balance. 
"Yes, ma'am. Thank you. I'm going to try." 
Mrs. Blackford smiled through her own tears. "That's all we can do." 
They embraced one last time, exchanges a few words (mostly Charmaine to Mrs. Blackford) and continued to her car to go to Donovan's home. She told her boss she was taking a few days off to recuperate. And she couldn't be home alone. 

It was a few days after Quincy's funeral and Charmaine hasn't spoken to anyone but her mom and her friend. Even then, it was mainly them asking questions and her giving a word or two. Her time off was nearing an end, and she didn't show any signs of recovery from the loss of her first love. Her first ex-love. He was an ex. Of 4 years. No words exchanged in those 4 years, nothing physical or emotional. And she is acting as if they were still lovers. Still linked. Still connected. How did she get here? 
Heal, honey. Those words stuck to her as she dragged herself out of bed. The curtains were down, keeping out any ray of sunshine outside. She slowly and dreadfully pulled on her robe and slid into her slippers, making her way to the bathroom. One look in the mirror and she wondered who was staring back at her. Eyes half-opened,  her hair has grown out and was mashed against her head. She was in desperate need of a cut, and the bags under eyes so big they were carrying her feelings. She began brushing her teeth, absentminded and delusional. 
Heal. Mrs. Blackford's word came to mind again.
"How?" she asked into the silence of Donovan's guest room. No one was home, except Charm's dog Titan. Seeing his human in her depressed state made him sad as well, so he hopped on top of the bed to await her return. 
Charmaine began washing her face, trying to at least keep up her skincare routine. But she felt so heavy. Like raising her arm to put a cleanser on her face was similar to lifting a 50 lb dumbbell. But she got through it, and slowly returned to bed with Titan. Titan did his best to love her, licking her hand and requesting a pat on the head. But Charmaine didn't make it 2 minutes before falling asleep again. Her stomach hurt from crying so long, and all that sobbing can make one exhausted. She hasn't eaten in days, no matter how much Donovan tried to get something into her. They tried smoothies, soups, anything that required little to no effort. Charmaine was a mess. 
She looked over to her phone, which was vibrating with a call from Chad. She hasn't spoken to him since the accident, and even though he left messages to see how she was doing...Charmaine didn't have the guts to speak to him in her current state. So once again, she let it go to voicemail. 

"Charm, It's me again. I don't know what has happened, but I have been calling to make sure you are alright. I hope I'm not doing too much with the voicemails, but I really just want to know if you're okay. At least let me know you're still alive. If you're not interested in me, I understand. But at least let me know when you get this message. If something has happened, I want to help. Please, call me back." 

Charmaine cried again. Despite what she is feeling right now, she knew that Chad didn't deserve to be ignored. But she couldn't talk to him. She couldn't let him hear her at her worst, at her most vulnerable. Then she thought to send him a text: 
"Hey, Chad. So sorry I have been MIA for a while, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive. Just going through some things. Don't really want to go into detail, and I'm not in a good place to talk. I hope this text is good enough. I'll be in touch when I've overcome this obstacle. Hope all is well. -Charm"

She thought that text was good enough, so she returned her phone to the dresser before rolling over again. Not too long after, Donovan knocked on the door. 
"Charm? Are you sleep?" 
"No, but I'm getting there."
"May I come in?"
"It's your house." Charmaine's attitude has reared its head. But Donovan has always been the right one to get her back together, voluntarily or otherwise.
"Even in my house, I give people their privacy." 
"Sorry. Yes, please come in."
"Thank you." Donovan entered and headed to the curtains. She opened them up a bit to let in some sunlight, and Charmaine winced at the sight of it. 
"Ugh, I'm not ready," She whined, pulling the covers over her head. 
"Darling, no one is. But you can't stop living because someone else stopped. And you're acting like it's your fault!" There was the sophomore Donovan again, with a tone that made Charmaine pull the covers down again. 
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I sunk, and now I can't get out. Like I'm in a pit of cement. All I want to do is sleep. My appetite is gone, and the only living thing I'll allow in my space is my damn dog. I can't face my clients right now, and I don't know when I will. I'm stuck, D. I'm stuck."
Donovan got in bed with her, holding her just as they did that night. That night Quincy, the same man she is crying over once again, broke her heart. 
"Honey, I know it is hard to overcome. We all have things to ride through, no matter how tough it gets. But Quincy's mom said herself, you have to heal. And I don't think you'll be able to do it yourself this time." 
Charmaine nodded her head in the midst of her tears. "You're right. I can't...I- I don't know how I can move on from this. I thought it would be easy." 
"I know, honey. There are some hidden emotions you need to uproot, just like I did a while back."
Charmaine's face showed one of confusion. "Wait, y-you went through something? Why didn't you tell me?"
Donovan sighed. "I know, you have your own life and I didn't want you worrying about me. It was some issues I was having...with some thoughts. Before I thought it was part of postpartum depression, but then they became...more frequent. I was thinking about what it would be like if I wasn't here, how the world may be better off. I wasn't messing up as a mother, and I wasn't feeling like a great wife either. I don't know where those thoughts came from, but it was like...like I all of a sudden felt worthless. Then James found me in the bathroom..." 

Charmaine's eyes widened from what she was hearing. Her strong best friend, suicidal? 
"Was that why you said you were going on that long vacation that year? Did he check you in? How could you not tell me that?" 
"I know, and I'm sorry. But how you're being right now confirmed why it may have been for the best had you not known. We need to get you some professional help. And I'm not taking no for an answer. Okay? Maybe that is what you need to heal." 

Heal.

Hope you enjoy. I think it is important that we check on those we love, even if it's every now and then. You never know what those closest to you are going through. Let's keep breaking the narrative that therapy isn't needed. The most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge a feeling or thought- that's when you can break its hold on you.
<3