Complex Charm

Chapter 8

Her hands are shaking. Charmaine couldn't tell if it was because she was on her third cup of coffee or if she was nervous to see Quincy. Please don't be late, she thinks to herself. She hates waiting. Waiting gives time for the nerves to get out of control, and she doesn't like to lose control. Say what needs to be said and be done. It's almost 10 o'clock, so she grabs her phone to see if there are any emails that need her prompt response or an "I'm running late" text from Q. There were few emails, but none that required her immediate attention. There was no text from Quincy. 

Charmaine sighs and taps her right foot. She grabs her Swell water bottle from her Hermès satchel and starts to chug. Her nerves are everywhere, and the coffee didn't necessarily help. She can't believe it. She thought she'd be calm before seeing her ex, excited to liberate herself from his unwanted attention. To demand him not to call, text, or send any gifts to her anymore. To delete her literally and figuratively from his life. The behavior he has shown (where no matter how much the woman- or man- says to leave them alone, the other person doesn't respect that) scares her a little. Hearts break, but they also heal. Rejection happens. It's just hard to tell if Qunicy understands or if he is living in a bubble of denial. For some, this behavior leads to violence. Charmaine never experienced abuse from Quincy, but she isn't putting him above it. Plus, he is bigger and way stronger than her. The things she admired about his physical appearance can also be used against her, and she was not about to meet him in a secluded area. So the coffee shop was going to have to do. 

Then her phone rang. She jumped a bit, but not so much as to scare the other customers around her. It was Quincy. 

"Hello," she replied. 

"Hey, I'm here. Where are you?" Charmaine looks outside the window to see if she could spot him. When she did, it was as if time didn't move. He still looks the same, fine as...*clears throat*- only now, he has a full flourishing beard. He didn't wear anything out of the ordinary, either- a basic tee under a dark green bomber (she hopes he didn't wear that because he knew it was her favorite color), dark wash jeans, and matching Nike sneakers to his jacket. She rolled her eyes. This may be harder than she thought, and that angered her.

"Hello?" Quincy's voice snapped her out of her thoughts and back into reality. She let the man's appearance stop her mid-conversation.

"Oh, I'm sorry...I'm near the window, to the left of the entrance."

He steps into the shop and heads to the register to place his coffee order. She's still staring, cursing under her breath about how good he looks. God, how could you? Why didn't you let him gain weight or something? Curse him with incurable balding or a beard that won't connect? Why couldn't you make him less desirable? After breaking hearts should come a curse of unbearable...ugliness.

After placing his order, he began his search for Charmaine. That's when she had to act as if she didn't see him. She quickly put her head down, acting as if she was suddenly interested in her already read emails. Then his voice... "Charm?"

She looked up and smiled a little. "Hi", she replied. She caught a whiff of his cologne and almost frowned. What used to make her swoon now makes her sick. It made her sick because she wanted to swoon again. But she couldn't. She wanted to move on. There's better out here, isn't there? 

"Man, it's been so long," he said as he took the seat in front of her. He realized after standing for a few minutes that Charmaine wasn't getting up for a hug, and she could see a slight bit of hurt in his eyes. That wasn't an option for her. The past between them wouldn't allow it. 

"Yeah, so long I thought you'd get the hint to forget about me." Charmaine didn't really care about her harsh words. They were how she felt. They were her walls of protection, keeping her safe from familiar harm. 

Quincy sighed. "Alright, we're going there before I could get my coffee." The barista called his name not long after, so up he was again. Charmaine didn't want any unneeded banter, so when he came back she went straight into her speech. She had prepared herself for this moment and wanted to put it all out on the table. 

"Listen, Quincy. I agreed to meet with you to get things straight. So here it is- I don't want to get together again. Our relationship was very toxic. That made it clear that we were not made for each other. We went from daily intimacy to daily arguments, and I'm not just talking about...sex. And let's not get started on your words about the baby I could have had for you." She made sure she was only audible to him. She wanted to pierce his soul, make him feel what she felt when she decided not to birth a child for him anymore. She wanted him to know how much she loved him and did everything he wanted her to do, only to be taken advantage of and ridiculed. She told him how much their relationship almost cost her a friend who has held her down for better or worst.

 "I can't do this with you because I'm not over the last you. If you have changed, that's great. I'm happy to hear that. But the man you were poisoned my view of you. The man you were destroyed my future with you." Charmaine's leg was still tapping, hands still shaking, but she felt as if she was getting a little lighter. She started to shed tears, but quickly wiped them away. Once she was done dumping her heart out, she had to excuse herself to the ladies' room. Quincy nodded his head as she steps away. Thankfully she wasn't wearing any makeup that day, so no mascara was there to give her raccoon eyes. As she stared into the mirror, she saw the same girl she was trying not to become again- a weak and vulnerable version of the woman who strived to be brave and strong. She blew her nose after wiping away her tears, then applied moisturizer on her cheeks before heading back out. You're not weak, Charm. You are brave. Be brave.