Professional Publicity Stunt » Shawn Mendes✔️

seventeen: i think i fell in love.

As soon as our plane lands, my phone begins lighting up with missed calls from Sidney. And a few text messages, one of which that is him apologizing because he knows I'm probably on a flight, but that I need to call him back sometime soon.

I wait until we're piled in the car, heading to our hotel before finally calling him back.

"Sidney! Hey, what's up?"

"A few business things," is his reply. "Where are you?"

"Um," I chuckle, sharing a weird look with Shawn sitting next to me. "In the car headed to the hotel. Why?"

"Oh. You're with Shawn then?"

I give the seat in front of me the weirdest look. "Yes, he's sitting next to me." I see Shawn turn his head at that. "Why?"

"We can discuss this when you're alone," he breathes, sounded suddenly annoyed with where I'm at, as if he didn't sign me up for this job.

"Sid, you can say it now. I'm tired. I didn't sleep on the flight. I just want to get to the hotel and crash. What is it?"

I hear him sigh. "It's another job."

This is not the first time Sidney has called me in the middle of one job with news of another. It's happened a few times, actually. But this is the first time I've felt my own breath catch in my throat and my heart skip a beat at the idea of a job coming after this one.

I slowly tug my hand away from Shawn's shifting to hold the phone with that one, my other pushed into my hair. Somehow it doesn't feel right holding his hand knowing I'm discussing what I'll do once I...never see him again.

"Details?"

I can tell Sidney is still hesitant, but also that he doesn't want to argue with me, so he continues. "It'd be in the middle of June. Just a month long."

"Who?"

He rattles off the name of some actor I've never heard of before. The name doesn't ring a single bell in my mind, but they normally never do. 

"I mean, it'll depend on the thing Kate asked me about," I remind him.

"I know, but since that is still up in the air, I thought I'd let you know about this. Just in case."

"Thanks." That's Sidney for you. Always wanting to be sure I have some job to work or some offer open. "I guess...yeah. Keep me updated."

"Alright," he pauses. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just..." I rub my forehead, closing my eyes. "Tired from the flight and all."

"Okay," he responds, but doesn't sound at all convinced. "I'll put a word in for you. Keep me updated on the other job."

"I will." If there ever is anything to update with. I haven't heard from the director still, and while Kate and I have discussed him being busy, part of me just still wonders if he isn't going to bother with me. Which is fine.

"Well, I'll let you go," he murmurs. "Keep me updated on how things are."

"Things are fine," I promise him.

"Okay."

"Bye Sid."

Ending the call, I drop my phone into my lap, rubbing both hands over my face. I try not to let my frustration and...emotions. They're just a mix of emotions. I don't know how to describe any of them. So I try not to show them too much.

Shawn notices. I know he does. Because he always does.

I drop my hands into my lap, giving him a soft smile. He returns the expression, reaching over to grab my hand and kiss my knuckles — something he's obviously noticed will relieve my tension every time. This time is no different.

We ride the rest of the way to the hotel in that comfortable silence, with one of us being more uncomfortable than she's ever been around this man she's supposed to be dating.

+++

I hate to admit this, but my eyes look for a second door inside the hotel room the minute we walk in. To my great disappointment, there isn't one.

The one time I need to be alone to think — to really think — aloneness is not an option.

I sit on the bed in defeat, wringing my hands and already thinking of places I could go. It's not that late here, I'm sure there's some place I could—

The bed dips beside me, Shawn putting the smallest amount of distance between us as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. I sigh as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.

This isn't right, I want to scream. The doors are closed. There's no cameras around. This isn't right. It never has been.

"What was that for?" I blurt.

He looks taken aback by my question, almost like I've accused him of a greater crime than affection. "You just looked upset. You've looked upset since Sidney called."

Why does nothing ever get past him? Why can't he be like all the others? Why can't he pay me zero attention behind closed doors? Why does this one have to be so different?

"Oh," I lick my lips nervously. "Yeah, he just called about a...a new job."

"Oh," is all Shawn says. I feel his arm slip from around my shoulders. "It wasn't a good offer?"

"No, it was," I shake my head. Short, one-month runs are usually my favorite. "Just...conflicts with some stuff." I pause, looking up at him. "Like if the acting job works out." I leave out the conflict of my growing feelings for him. The growing feelings that shouldn't be growing — that shouldn't have even begun to grow at all.

"Oh yeah," he nods. "You still haven't heard back?"

I shake my head again. "Nope."

"Well you've got...two months, kind of, to figure things out, right?"

Two more months of this. Kind of. I think it's really a month and a half, but I can't honestly say that I even know. I haven't checked. Which is so unlike me, it makes me want to scream.

"Yeah," I nod. Because he's right, overall. I have time to figure this out.

I have time to figure out my feelings. I have time to decide if I want to pursue this acting thing, whether it be with that director or with something new. I have time to decide if I want to continue doing this job, if I want to accept the new one in June. I have time to figure it all out.

"Then just..." I see him shrug. "Just breathe."

"You make it sound easy."

"It's not," he replies bluntly. "I know it's not. But you know how to breathe. And you need to. So it's the least you can do."

I look up at him with the strangest expression. "When did you become a motivational speaker?"

He laughs at that, moving to grab my hands. I almost tug mine away, but the look he's giving me immediately talks me out of the action. "I've had a lot of experience with being anxious and not knowing what to do. The future is— There's a lot there. It's hard to think about."

I nod in agreement. That's some truth if I've ever heard any.

"So don't."

That reels me back in. "What?"

"Don't think about it."

"Shawn, it's—"

"Don't. Just enjoy this moment for what it is. Don't think about the future because it's not something you can really control anyway, so why waste time on it, you know?"

He squeezes my hands, getting me to look at him. I can hear what he's trying to tell me in his words, but I don't know how easy it'll be.

"Okay," I murmur. "I'll try."

We have this thing — we never notice that our faces are as close as they are until they are.

I want to fight it. I want to fight it so bad when he moves his hand to cradle my face, to look me directly in my eyes, to continue to tell me it'll be okay without actually using his words. But I can't bring myself to fight it. I can't fight him when he pulls me in, when our lips touch, when our breaths catch, when we share this moment, eyes closed, hearts beating.