from afar. | takata mashiho

✦ the only one

it must get lonely. the thoughts haven't been happening since the start of march. i'm getting kind of worried. wait. nevermind! i just got another thought. but why so early girl? thanks though, i just got an idea. but i might just save it for the grand finale. that is if there is a grand finale. all we can do is hope; or actually find her. get it together mashiho. she won't be too far from here. i can sense it. no i can't. look, it gave me hope. leave me alone. and now i'm arguing with myself in my mind. let's stop.

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the remaining thoughts that i have on my list are only becoming more vague. it's getting harder and harder. and haruto's already given up. i don't blame him though, i dragged him into this. actually, no. he made the decision to help me. is it wrong if i say it's actually his fault? no, it's all on me.

i go out alone. honestly, i think i'd be able to get a lot more area covered. not because haruto can act as a distraction, but because he walks really fucking slowly. god, someone please get him a treadmill. i snap back into reality only to be drawn back into a separate fantasy. it's like it's already white day: people are holding hands and are unafraid to do public displays of affection, people are enjoying the simple things – like the clear blue sky, juxtaposed to the gloomy and sad clouds we were left with last week – and people are just happy. content with the fact that they are on the face of this earth, set with a purpose, a reason as to why they were put here. but sometimes that reason is unknown. and sometimes you need a special someone to find it.

i visit supermarkets left and right, being sure to check every aisle. and of course, i'm disappointed. i don't know why i am trying so hard. every corner i turn into – nothing. i expect something to happen, but then am left with nothing. however, there is this tiny golden piece of hope within me somewhere that's constantly reminding me that maybe, just maybe, she is near. but maybe it's all in my head.

supermarket scavenging ended up being, how i expected, stupid. i felt guilty for walking in, not purchasing anything, then walking out. i felt like i was stealing. i would put on this 'nonchalant' face that i thought read, i'm totally innocent there's is no need to arrest me. it probably looked like, i've totally committed a crime so come and get me officer. so let's just go to the little shops along the cozy streets that only sell fruits and vegetables. fingers crossed my poker face actually portrays what i'm feeling in my brain.

as i weave through the cartons of mass fruit, old ladies look at me crazily. all i do is smile, because what am i supposed to do? smack the fruit to test if they're suitable for consumption? avocados are fruit right? when i was young i just assumed they were vegetables purely based off of the fact that they are green. at least i know that chocolate milk does not come from brown cows. that shit's man made.

during my mind splurge my body takes me in and out of at least five stores. and yet again, no luck. man, i am just not a lucky person. do not ever ask me to fill out a lottery ticket. the only profit that you and i would gain from that is nothing. absolutely nothing. i would choose to spend the money on instant ramen instead. money well spent.

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haru haru
11:33am

haruto
any luck?

mashiho
you already know

mashiho
no

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i cross out 'avocados' on my list. four more days.