from afar. | takata mashiho

✦ i understand,

myeongdong was unsuccessful then, but we may have been looking in the wrong section. i should not get my hopes up. this thought about octopi is one of my last. but hey, if it all goes wrong, i'd have some pretty good access to fresh seafood. i haven't had sannakji in ages. also i hope that the weather's decent today. i should probably check the forecast. if it's going to rain, i can't be bothered. it's bad mentality, i know, i just don't want my clothes to get wet.

✦ ༺━━━━༻ ✧

i wake up. it's still dark. as i furrow my eyebrows my phone glows. why? my eyesight is already deteriorating – so i might as well check the notification with no assistance of a light source other than the neon screen. it's from mamiko.

✦ ༺━━━━༻ ✧

mamo 2.0
3:45am

mamiko
you looked shitty at school

mamiko
what's wrong?

mashiho
a girl

mashiho
i can't get her out of
my head
seen

✦ ༺━━━━༻ ✧

she never replied. i don't know what i did wrong. i can't let it get to me. i'll talk to her the next time i see her. silently hoping she'll understand.

i didn't get to sleep at all after the text. all i could think about was what would happen to me if i never found the owner of the voice. would i be able to live with myself, knowing that she is out there unaware of who i am? is it all just a figment of my imagination? maybe. i don't want it to be though. i want it, this, to be real.

the sun finally rises from its slumber, slapping me in the face the same way a glass of water that had been poured on me would. i guess i lost track of time. i spend about five minutes just stretching and staring at my ceiling. my own brain bullies itself into getting up. i struggle. i call it 'the velociraptor's awakening'. okay. enough sleepy talk. i need to get out of here.

the bus is quiet; but it's loud because of the internal silence that screams through everyone's ears. fuck i didn't eat breakfast. guess this reticence won't be reticent anymore. i hop out of the bus on a search for sustenance. a little café radiates a warm feeling. i like it.

as i enter, it's like an instagram post, but in real life. "good morning. just a sandwich will do." i'm too focused on the food. a fantasy. "mamo?"

"what are you doing here?!"
"i work here? the uniform?"
"oh, right..."
"look. i need to talk to you. wait until my shift's over, please?"
"but-"
"please?"
"okay."

it is a period of anticipation. i don't know what she wants to say. "mashiho."
"yes?"
"i like you."
"excuse me?"
"you heard me."
"i did." but i'm sorry. say it out loud mashiho! i can't. i leave. without my sandwich. and without an explanation. i'll just figure it out with mamo later. please remind me to do so. time to take another bus. i don't know how it's possible, but i know that the silence will be even more painful than before.

i keep disappointing more people. more and more people are set up with having to deal with me, just to find this one girl. it's a mad story, so i understand why people think i should see someone for help. my mind grows more creative and open, yet so paranoid and isolated at the same time. it hurts. my mind hurts me and other people. the people i know are alive and real. oh. it's my stop.

each store i enter, i leave the owner with more disappointment. "no sorry, i don't want to eat your crab or lobster or whatever." i just come and go. and maybe these thoughts will too. i'm not coming back to myeongdong. it's bad luck. my eyes go damp; my cheeks, wet. i guess after tomorrow, my goal of reaching her would be classified as too far away. there is one thing i can do right now though. "fukuhara mamiko, i know you're there. you picked up the phone and answered this call."
"fine. you got me. but what you did was really rude mashiho."
"i know. i need to apologise. you know me, i'm not one to do this stuff over the phone but, i'm sorry. i'm sort of on a mission. i've been on it for a while now. this is how it started, well how i think it started: i had a thought. but it wasn't my own. i brushed it off. but then they just kept coming back. they proceeded to get weirder and weirder. but i loved them. they gave me something to look forward to every morning, or afternoon, or even two in the morning. it's weird, but i love it. i love the girl with the strange thoughts about fish cakes and avocados. so i'm on the hunt for her."
"wow mashiho. you've never sounded so insightful."
"thank you. do you understand why i've been shitty lately?"
"nope. but i forgive you."
"already?"
"yes. but were still friends, yeah?"
"double mamo forever."

i cross out 'octopus' on my list. one more day.