Hiraeth

Skimming Stones

From a young age,
I've always struggled skimming rocks.
I'd watch them, holding in my excitement;
Yet I ended up being left in disappointment.
Watching the rocks sink to the bottom of the water.

My Dad told me that it's easy.
But I couldn't do it.
My eyes widened every time he skipped the stones across the river;
Glued on the way the stones bounced on the river top.
Jumping up and down in excitement;
Waiting for my turn.
Yet every turn, I seemed to get worse.

My Dad turned to me,
"It's about being patient."
He lifted the stone which was in between his two fingers.
I watched as the tiny stone soared across the river,
Causing ripples of somewhat calmness to form.
Then, like every other time.
The stone sank to the bottom,
Never to be seen again.

Maybe I'm not patient enough,
Maybe I'm not resilient enough,
Maybe I'm not smart enough to figure out the trick,
I thought to myself throughout the years.
I've always been impatient.
Throwing a tantrum when I never got my way.

I haven't skimmed rocks in years.
Matter of fact, I don't think I've successful skimmed a rock across water.
But,
I did.
Once.

It was late autumn, turning winter.
The trees were withering away and everything felt so cold hearted.
Apart from you.
So full of life on such a cold winter's day.
We were walking,
We always ended up somewhere new when we walked.
This time, we ended up by the seaside.
You began throwing stones and tiny rocks into the sea aggressively.
Cursing at the tiny rocks as they sank to the bottom of the sea.

You turned to me,
"Can you do it?"
I fiddled with my answer in the palm of my hand,
"No, I'm not patient."
With a grin spreading from cheek to the other,
"What's that got to do with it?"

You threw a stone across the sea,
I watched like a little child in amazement as it soared across the top and then, like always,
Sank to the bottom.
My smile as wide as my eyes,
"How did you do that?"
Your voice spoke softly and the words left your lips as if you recited them by heart,
"It's not a skill. It's not about being patient. It's about being here; being 'in-the-now'."

You handed me a soft flat stone.
Your eyes glued on me,
Watching in anticipation.
In that moment,
I threw the stone.
The tiny stone bounced across the sea,
Making its home under the water and in the seabed.
I looked at you, with pride.

"It's about being 'in-the-now'."
My lips curled into a small smile,
Mimicking the one your face was wearing,
We sat in silence as you skimmed more stones,
They bounced freely away from the land,
Claiming the ocean as their home.

Never do I dwell on our past,
From skimming stones to smiling widely,
From the ignorance when you played that foul game,
Leaving my tiny heart broken,
In more pieces than one.

Placing my hands on my head,
I wept,
"How many months,"
I hummed to myself,
"How many months did I waste on someone so caught up in skimming stones,
That I couldn't even see myself being thrown aside?"

Perhaps now I know that this,
This was never meant to be,
You can skim stones,
Throw them across the ocean so angelically,
While I am stuck on the same old thought,
Might I not be patience enough?
Waiting for you to come to me.

Autumn wilted into Winter,
Winter bloomed into Spring,
Spring soothed into Summer,
The hot summer's glare beats down on me,
Yet now I know,
That we were never supposed to be.