Skinny Love

How do I get you alone

I wipe the tears from my eyes. The teacher walking by in the hallway stops to help me pick up my stuff. I shove everything back into my backpack except for the napkin. I put the napkin in my pocket, pick up my backpack, and make my way to Tyler's locker. I spot Tyler in the hallway walking towards his locker. I walk up to him and put my arm around his shoulder. "Sup bitch?" I ask. He pushes my arm off his shoulder. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not your bitch? You're my bitch," Tyler says. "Pfft yeah sure." We get to his locker. I watch as he puts his stuff away.

"So how was out patient therapy?" He asks. "Terrible. There was only one good thing that came out of it." "What? Tell me," Tyler begs. "Well I got this really hot guy's number." I pull the napkin out of my pocket and show Tyler. "Oh," he smirks at me, "have you texted him yet?" "No. I don't want to seem too desperate," that's a lie because I forgot I had his number up until a couple minutes ago. And I plan on texting him as soon as I'm alone. "Well honey I hate to break it to you but you are desperate," Tyler says. "No I'm not!" "Yes you are! You've been single since the seventh grade." I sigh.

Tyler's always trying to get me to date someone. Ever since he started dating his boyfriend Josh. He didn't want me to feel like a third wheel. He always gives me guy's numbers. But you can't just force two people together. There has to be a connection. "And I'm fine with that," I tell Tyler. "All I'm saying is that you should text the guy. You think he's good looking so that's a start," he says. "Whatever. I'll text him when I get the chance to," I promise him. "That's a good boy," Tyler says to me as if I were a dog. I shake my head.

The bell rings and I walk off to my first class. And of course with my shit luck I have no classes with Tyler. But I do have two classes with Josh. It's just that Josh is super extroverted and I'm the complete opposite. You might say opposites attract but not in this case. The only thing we have going for us is that he's Tyler's boyfriend and I'm Tyler's best friend. So even though he's in two of my classes I still feel all alone.

I pretty much fake my way through all of my morning classes. I pretend that I'm paying attention. I act like I'm interested in hearing Josh talk about his sex life with Tyler. Yeah, no! And I take tests pretending I have a clue what the answer is up until lunchtime.

I don't really have any friends other than Tyler, so I sit with whoever Tyler sits with. Sitting at the table with us is Patrick Stump. He's a junior and he doesn't talk much. Kinda like me. Next to him is Shane Dawson. Another super extroverted person. His best friend is Josh and he's a senior. Then the obvious Josh Dun. And lastly is Andy Hurley. He's a junior too. Which would make a normal person wonder, "how does he have so many tattoos?" he does them all himself. Even though the school doesn't allow it. He likes to rebel. We're all pretty much rebels though.

I don't eat lunch so I usually sit with Tyler for a couple minutes, listen to the school gossip, then ditch them and go to the library. Today all they're talking about is the new orchestra teacher Mr. Trohman because Andy has a huge crush on him and he thinks Mr. Trohman might feel the same way. I personally don't find any teachers attractive. But there is this one guy.

I sneak off to the library so that I'm alone. I find a chair in the corner of the library. I take my backpack off and sit down. Then I pull out my phone and the napkin in my pocket.

Me: Hey it's Brendon
I wait a couple minutes before my phone buzzes alerting me about a message.
Dallon: From out patient therapy?
Me: Yup
I wait again until my phone buzzes. When it does I check the message.
Dallon: So are you gonna tell me about the black eye?
Me: That's kinda personal. I'd rather tell you that in person.
Dallon: Okay. So why did you text me?
Me: I need someone to talk to
Dallon: Can we talk after school? I'm in class right now.
Me: Sure
I exit out of the chat then click Tyler's name in my phone and message him.
Me: He's so not into me

...

"He asked to talk after school. That doesn't mean he's not into you. It just means he cares about school silly," Tyler says as he packs his stuff into his backpack. Tyler has to catch the bus but I walk home so I wait to get my stuff together until Tyler leaves. "I don't think so. He only cares about how I got a black eye," I say. "Exactly. He cares." I roll my eyes. "Oh my god just go get on the bus," I sigh. "You know I'm right!" Tyler shouts at me as he walks away. I turn to walk to my locker. My locker is on the other side of the school and I really don't want to walk that far. But if I don't grab my things my mom is going to be pissed at me so I better start walking.

Once I get to my locker I see a note on it that says, "Kill yourself fat! faggot! freak!" I rip the note off my locker, crumple it up, and toss it on the floor. I put in my locker combination and open it. A ton of pill bottles fall out of my locker. I'm getting so sick of this school! I grab my books out of my locker and put them in my backpack. As I'm doing that a teacher walks by. He stops behind me. "Drugs are prohibited on school grounds Mr. Urie. Come with me." Fucking fantastic.

We walk to the front office together. Mr. Armstrong goes into the principals office and leaves me to wait outside. I'm not sticking around for this bullshit. I get up and walk out of the office. I run all the way home. Once I open the front door my mom is giving me a disappointed look. "I just got a call from your school," she says, "I bet you can imagine what it was about." "They weren't my pills mom! Jon and Ryan put them in my locker!" I argue. "I believe you. But that doesn't give you the right to run away. You've been suspended for a week and when you get back to school you'll have detention for the rest of the semester," my mom says. "But I didn't do that!" "Well maybe if you hadn't run away you could have explained that to them." I let out a loud huff and run upstairs.

I slam my bedroom door shut behind me, turn on the light, drop my backpack on the floor, walk over to my bed, and get out my phone. I open up the conversation between me and Dallon.

Me: Can you talk now?
I get a reply back right away
Dallon: Yeah
Me: I'm in trouble
Dallon: How?
Me: Well I'm suspended from school for a week and have detention for the rest of the semester
Dallon: What did you do?
Me: I don't know
Me: I mean why is it that people hate me for no reason
Me: Or maybe there is a reason
Me: Maybe they hate me cause I'm ugly or fat or because I'm annoying. Maybe it's because I'm gay. Maybe there's a reason because I'm starting to hate myself too.
Dallon: Don't say that. I know we don't know each other that well but I do know what it's like to hate yourself. It's not good. You'll do stupid things because you'll think you deserve it. But nobody deserves it. Not even your worst enemy.
Dallon: So what happened?
Me: Can I wait to tell you that in person?
Dallon: Yes
Me: I'm sorry
Dallon: It's okay
Me: I do stupid stuff and I can't stop
Dallon: What do you mean?
Me: It's like if I don't do it things will get bad again
Dallon: What do you do?
Me: I can't say
Dallon: You can't say or you don't want to say?
Me: Both
Dallon: Well then tell me when you're ready
Me: Thank you
Dallon: I have to go my dad is calling me for dinner
Me: Yeah I should probably go eat too

I exit the chat and set my phone down. I get up and go turn off the light. Then I walk back to my bed. I lay down in ball on my bed and start crying silently. I hear my mom coming upstairs. She opens my door to tell me it's time for dinner. "I don't feel good. I'm not hungry," I tell her. "You're not using that excuse with me young man. Come downstairs and eat," she says. "I'm not hungry!" I scream. I start sobbing after that. "I know you're upset about what happened at school today but don't let that ruin your progress. Come eat just a little bit," my mom pleads. "Y-You c-can't make m-me," I say between sobs. "Fine just this one time," she says. She walks back downstairs. While I lay in bed for the rest of the night.