Skinny Love

Team meeting

I walk into Dr. Shepherd's office for my team meeting. Jenna, Zach, and Ray are also in the meeting along with the county, on the phone. "Okay this meeting is for Brendon Urie. He suffers from anorexia with bulimic tendencies, PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. We are all here today to discuss the next step in Brendon's treatment plan," Dr. Shepherd says. I'm nervous. This meeting could go one of two ways. The staff could say I'm not improving, I'm still struggling with anorexic thoughts and behaviors, and that I should stay longer or they could say I've been improving, I'm fully weight restored, I've been opening up, and should be released soon. I'm hoping for the second scenario.

"Jenna is our therapist for the teens," Dr. Shepherd tells the county, "So Jenna how are the therapy groups going?" "Brendon's done a complete 180. He used to not talk and question other participants issues. Now he's very open about his feelings and respectful in group. He continues to turn down offers for one on one therapy but I understand that talk therapy might not be for everyone. Overall though I would say he's doing much better," Jenna say. What! I never thought Jenna would say something positive about me. Next Ray starts talking, "Brendon does well in groups he participates in activities. He gets along well with a specific group of girls. The conversations are usually positive and healthy, I haven't heard them talking about eating disorder related topics. He is a great example of what a patient in recovery should look like," Ray says.

I smile like an idiot. I never thought the staff saw me that way. I feel like I've always been known as the most problematic patient. "Then we have Brendon's primary care technician," Dr. Shepherd says. "Hi my name is Zack. I have been working with Brendon since he got here," If any of these reviews are gonna be bad this would definitely be the bad one, based on the things I've told him. "When Brendon first got here he refused to eat. He hid his food. He cut his food up into tiny pieces. He had panic attacks and would have to be put on a feeding tube. If he did eat he would purge it and we had to put him on a feeding tube. Now I'm not saying he's been perfect since then he still has some habits of a person with an eating disorder. He cuts his food up into tiny pieces but he will eat the pieces in a timely manner. Panic attacks are far and few in between. He has come to me in times he has thoughts of purging. He has opened up to me about certain things. I think he's ready to move on to the next step in his recovery," Zack says. I think I'm going to cry happy tears. This is insane.

"It sounds to me that Brendon is ready for discharge," the county concludes. "I fully agree," says Dr. Shepherd. This can't be real. I'm dreaming. "I think if we all work together we can get him out by the end of this week," Dr. Shepherd continues. The end of this week? I'm going home! Fuck yeah! "Is there anything you would like to add?" Dr. Shepherd asks me. "Nope," I smile. "Okay then Zack can take you back to your unit. I get up and Zack leads the way back to my unit. Once we get there I run over to Eva and Jessie and tell them the great news, "guess what guys!" "What!" They ask in unison. "I'm getting out of here by the end of the week!" I say excitedly. "Oh my god that's amazing!" Jessie says. "So does this mean you're sneaking us out of here in your bags?" Eva jokes. "Ha ha I wish. I can't wait to tell Dallon. He's gonna be so happy." "I wish I had a Dallon." Jessie says. "What about a Frank?" Eva asks her. "Does Frank visit you five times a week?" She asks Eva. "No but-" "I want myself a Dallon over a Frank," Jessie says interrupting Eva. "Well if you had a Dallon he would only be your friend because a Dallon is gay," I tell Jessie. "You know what I meant!" She squeals.

Speaking of Dallon he's gonna be visiting me today. That means I don't have to wait that long to tell him the great news. I have exactly an hour before it's visiting hour. Ray starts a small group. He pulls the craft cart into the room. Our assignment is to draw what we think of when we're happy. He says it's so we have something to keep us focused on our recovery, if we ever have urges to relapse. I'm not that great of an artist but I draw a picture of Dallon in his Mickey Mouse costume. One of the happiest days of my life. The calm before the storm. I use marker, crayon, and glitter. Then in my best handwriting I write, "You weren't too late. You were there just in time to save me." After that I decide to cut around my picture and the writing with crazy scissors. I glue what I cut out onto red construction paper. I then sign the paper and date it. As I'm finishing up my paper the staff member running visits taps me on my shoulder and says I have visitors.

Visitors? Does that mean more than one? Who else would be here to see me? I'm guided to the cafeteria. I spy Dallon sitting in the usually spot he sits at and sitting next to him is Tyler. I rush over to the table. Tyler stands up and meets me halfway. We hug each other for a couple seconds before walking the rest of the way to the table. I sit down. Tyler goes back to Dallon's side of the table and sits down. "What are you doing here?" I ask Tyler. "Well I've been wanting to visit you ever since you got here but I've felt so guilty," he says. "Why?" I ask him confused. "I should've known. I saw what you looked like last time you... You know... Starved yourself," Tyler says. I nod my head along with whatever he's about to say. "I should've known. You always looked really pale. And your face was looking really thin. I left you by yourself at the party. I should've stayed with you that night," Tyler says trying to blink away tears but failing, "you almost died and the last thing I said to you was to make things official with Dallon. I was scared that that was how you would remember me, just trying to push you into relationships. I didn't say goodbye to you properly, and have hated myself everyday since then."

"It's not your fault. I hid what I was doing from everyone. If I died I would've remembered you as my best friend. The guy who stuck by me at my lowest points," I say. Dallon hands Tyler some tissues. "I actually have some good news today," I tell them both. "What is it?" They ask at the same time. "I'm getting out by the end of the week!" "Oh my god! I'm so happy for you!" Dallon squeals. "Good job!" Tyler says. "You're still gonna stick to your recovery right?" Dallon asks getting serious. "Yes," I say smiling. I'm not even pretending to be happy. I truly do want to recover. They both smile at me. I think things are going to be just fine.