Skinny Love

I'm not hungry

I open my eyes and don't recognize where I am for a second. My mom's standing over me freaking out. And then I recognize the living room ceiling. I slowly start to sit up. I think I'm going to be sick. "H-How long was I out for?" I ask praying she didn't call an ambulance. "Only about five seconds! What did you have to eat  today!?" My mom says obviously freaking out. "Well I had oatmeal with you this morning. Then pizza for lunch," I lie. "You-You haven't been throwing up your food have you?" She asks more calmly. "No," another lie. "Don't lie to me!" She yells, "you look sick! What are you doing to make yourself not gain weight!?" "I am gaining weight!" Oh god I don't feel good. I run to the kitchen garbage. "Don't run away from me!" She orders. I stick my face in the garbage can and throw up stomach acid. It's burning my throat. But I'm used to that feeling by now.

"Brendon honey are you okay?" My mom asks nervously. "I'm fine!" "No you're not! What are you doing!? Starving yourself!? Purging!? Exercising too much!? All of that!?" She accuses me. "I'm not doing anything! I'm fine!" "You passed out in the living room! You're throwing up in the kitchen! You look sick! I'm thinking of just bringing you to the hospital!" She argues. "I'm not going to the hospital! I'm fine!" I shout.

I run upstairs and slam my door. I pull out my phone and text Dallon. Then I grab out my backpack. I dump out all my school stuff and pack clothes for the weekend. I pack my hygiene stuff. And I pack my computer. I walk back downstairs with my backpack on. "Where do you think you're going young man!" My mom yells. "I'm leaving until you stop threatening me!" I yell back. "I'm doing this for your safety!" She scream. "I'm fine! And I'm leaving!"

I run out the door and down the street. I'm not going back to that hospital. Not when I'm this close to my goal weight. I stand on the edge of the road and wait for Dallon to pick me up. He shouldn't be that far away. I look down at my hands. They're shaking. But the thing that I notice isn't the shakiness. I notice how boney my fingers are. I smile. Then I wrap my fingers around my wrist. My thumb can touch my pointer finger. I smile again. I'm finally starting to show some progress.

Finally I see Dallon's car coming around the corner. He comes to a stop, rolls down his window, and tells me to get in. I walk around to the passenger side. I open the door, take off my backpack and set it in the car, then I climb in. Once I shut the door Dallon continues to drive. The ride is silent for a little while until we get to a stop light. Dallon looks over at me and asks, "What happened back there? Is everything okay?"  I look at him for a moment before I start talking. I'm honestly debating if I should tell him the truth or not. "Me and my mom got into a fight because I'm failing a class," I tell him. I decided against it. He wouldn't understand. He'd probably leave me. I mean technically we're not together. But the chances of us ever getting together would be eliminated if I told him the truth.

Once we get back to Dallon's house Dallon explains to his dad what happened and why he brought me back to the house with him. His dad explains that he only made enough food for him and Dallon. I tell him it's fine and that I'm not hungry anyways. Dallon sends me down to his room while he eats dinner with his dad. That was too easy. Skipping dinner without even needing to make up an excuse. I lay down on Dallon's bed. I close my eyes. I'm just gonna rest until he gets down here.

I open my eyes. The room is dark and there's a blanket wrapped around me. How long was I out for? I grab my phone out of my pocket and check the time. My phone says it's 8:00 am. I get up off of Dallon's bed. I use my phone as a flashlight and find my way to the bathroom. I notice Dallon is sleeping on the floor. He didn't have to do that. But I think it's sweet that he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as me without asking me first.

When I get to the bathroom I shut the door and turn on the light. I use the toilet then take off the rest of my clothes and weigh myself. The scale shows that I weigh 99.2 pounds. Fuck. I hate myself. I've only lost .8 pounds since yesterday. I can do better than that. I get dressed, flush the toilet and wash my hands. Then I walk over to the door. I unlock it and open it up to find that Dallon is awake and eating a bowl of cereal at his desk.

"G-Good morning," I stutter. That was lame. Why don't I just keep making a fool of myself. "Morn- ing," Dallon says between bites of cereal, "are you hungry?" "Not right now," I say. "You know I've never seen you eat anything," Dallon tells me. "Oh uh I'm just shy when it comes to eating around other people," I say, which is half true. "Why?" He asks. "I'm just a messy eater and I don't want to have other people judging how I eat," I lie. It was just the first excuse that popped into my head. And after being anorexic for so long you learn to just come up with excuses off the top of your head. "I wouldn't judge you," he says. I smile at his comment. Of course he wouldn't.

"Thanks but I think I'll wait to eat till later," I tell him. "Okay do whatever you want." I feel like I'm making Dallon upset. Maybe I should just eat one thing in front of him then purge it later. "Do you have any apples?" I ask. "Yeah they're on the table in the kitchen. I'll go get you one." "No it's fine I can get it myself," I tell him. "No you're the guest. Let me get it for you," Dallon says. He is too nice to me. I don't deserve this.

Dallon runs upstairs and grabs me an apple. I sit down on his bed. I'm having a mini panic attack. My heart is racing and my breathing is shallow. I need to calm down before Dallon returns. I breathe in for four seconds, hold my breath for four, then breathe out for four. I do that a couple times before Dallon returns.

"Sorry I took so long Spencer just got in to work and we were talking. But... I got your apple," he says. He tosses me the apple. I catch it. I stare at it for a couple seconds then take a small bite. I suck on the piece of apple in my mouth. An entire apple is 95 calories. One bite is about five calories. I took like half a bite. In total I'm consuming about 3 calories right now.

"Hello? Earth to Brendon," Dallon says waving his hand in front of my face, interrupting my thoughts. "Huh? What?" I ask. "You're just staring," he laughs. "Uh yeah I'm just not really that hungry right now," I say. "You know you don't have to eat if you're not hungry," Dallon tells me. I feel so guilty for making him think I'm not hungry. I hate lying to him but I'm also panicking inside thinking of how many calories I consumed.

"I'm sorry." "It's fine," Dallon says as he finishes up his cereal, "I mean it was the best apple we had but..." "Shut up," I say jokingly. "I'll finish the apple for you," Dallon says. I hand him the apple and he eats the rest of it.

I lay down on the bed. "So what do you wanna do today?" Dallon asks. "What do you normally do on the weekends?" I ask. "Not much. But there is," Dallon says as he walks over to the bed, "this one thing," he gets on the bed and slowly crawls over to my face, "I want to do." Dallon closes his eyes and slowly brings his mouth closer to mine. I meet him the rest of the way there. Our lips touch. Our lips fit together perfectly, like they were meant to be together. Our lips move in sync with one another.

Dallon's hands are moving lower down my body. I start to remove his shirt. We stop kissing long enough for me to fully take off his shirt. Oh my god his body is so perfect. I wish I looked as good as him. Dallon goes to lift up my sweatshirt and shirt. I push his hands away. He stops kissing me and sits up.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," he says. "I know. I'm sorry. I want to but I'm just not ready," I'm not gonna be ready until I reach my goal weight again. "It's okay. I'm not going to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do," Dallon says as he grabs his shirt and starts putting it back on. "You can leave your shirt off still," I joke. "Oh yeah. You'd like that wouldn't you," Dallon teases. I blush. "Come on let's play fortnite," Dallon insists. I get up off the bed and follow him over to his desk.