Skinny Love

I don't know what's worse

My week suspension is almost up. I've been keeping in contact with Tyler and Dallon. Me and Dallon are still getting to know each other while me and Tyler are talking about how much I like Dallon. I mean it's true. He's nice and smart and good looking. I also found out that he's bisexual. That means I have a chance with him. But I'm not gonna rush things. If we're meant to be together then it will happen. But I'm not gonna force it on him or me even though Tyler wants us to hurry up and get together.

I do see Dallon today. It's been a week which means more out patient therapy. My mom drives me there today since I'm not getting picked up in the van at school. I don't feel as crazy riding with my mom. But knowing where we're headed doesn't help with that. It's another quiet car ride. My mom's not happy with me because she heard me throw up my food this morning. I told her she was hearing things which is a lie. But she doesn't need to know I'm not keeping my food down.

We get to the church. I get out of the car as fast as I can. No need to make things awkward. Mom tells me she's gonna go buy groceries but will be back in time to pick me up. I give her a thumbs up and go inside. I enter the room we meet in. I'm the first one here this time. I play on my phone while waiting for everyone.

Slowly people start coming in. I'm sitting in the same spot as last time. I watch for Dallon. When he enters the room I smile. He waves at me. I tap the spot next to me telling him to sit here. He happily takes the spot next to me on the couch. Halsey and Hayley sit on the couch to my left. On the couch in front of me sits Breezy, Billie, and Sarah. Gerard sits on the couch to my right next to Pete.

"Good afternoon everyone one. I'm glad you all made it back. Let's go in a circle saying one word about how our week went," Pete says. We go clockwise which means I'm first. "Shitty," I say. "Let's keep it appropriate. No swearing," Pete corrects me. "Well I already said my one word," I say squinting at Pete. "Okay Dallon your week?" Pete asks. He bites his bottom lip and says, "Better." Next is Halsey, "Alright." Then Hayley, "Boring." Then Breezy, "Triggering." Then Billie, "Crappy." Then Sarah, "Relapse." Lastly Gerard, "Great," he giggles.

"Alright now I want everyone to pull out their diary sheets and I'll come around and collect them," Pete says. I didn't do mine so I don't have one to turn in. "Brendon?" Pete asks me. I shake my head. "If you want to get better you really need to start participating. Just sitting here twiddling your thumbs isn't gonna help you," He says. "That's funny." "What is?" He asks. "You actually think I want to get better," I say smiling at him. Pete ignores me, walking away to collect other people's diary sheets. Everyone just kinda stares at me like they can't believe I just said that.

Pete sits back down. "Okay guys now it's time to share your stories. I wrote you guys down in order of where you were sitting last week. So starting with Sarah and ending with Brendon we are gonna take turns each week telling your stories. So Sarah you're up," Pete says. Way to put pressure on her.

She gulps. "My name is Sarah. And I have Orthorexia. It didn't start that way though. I was always the fat one out of all my siblings. They teased me saying, "Sarah is pregnant. Sarah is pregnant." It hurt. It hurt so much that I was willing to do anything to lose the weight. So when I was 10 I decided I just won't eat."

I can feel her pain. It does hurt. She doesn't deserve to feel that way. I mean look at her she's a twig.

"I would go weeks at a time without food. We never sat down as a family to eat so I got away with it. Plus you couldn't tell I was losing weight. Not until it was too late. I dropped down to 105 pounds. That's when I passed out. My parents finally realized what I was doing," Sarah says. I wish my mom was like her parents. I wish she just wouldn't care.

Sarah continues, "I was sent to Timberline Knolls in Illinois. They got me back to a stable weight and let me go home. My parents thought I was fixed so they didn't worry about me. Why didn't they. I wanted to be noticed." Sarah starts shaking and her eyes were getting watery. Now I don't know what's worse, parents that care too much or parents that don't care at all.

"So I didn't eat for a month. Teachers at school noticed I was losing weight and reported me to the school counselor. It took a call from the school counselor for my parents to do something. By the age of 15 I was hospitalized twice. This time I actually wanted help. So when I gained all my weight back I was happy. I was discharged and things were going great. That was until I started binge eating. I was at my heaviest at 16. I didn't want to go back to starving myself but I had to lose the weight. I would fast for a couple days then be on a strict diet when I did eat. I could only drink water and eat lettuce.

On the days I did eat I also had to do an eight hour workout. And again I lost the weight. I passed out in the school hallway. I was hospitalized again. I was so confused. Why was I being hospitalized. That's when I learned about Orthorexia. The doctors explained it to me and it all made sense. All my anxiety around food and the restrictions on what I ate. I was trying real hard after I got out of the hospital this last time. But you can't just make those feelings go away. Those voices in your head telling you you're fat and you can't eat. They don't stop. I started restricting my food again this week. It's getting easier but I still have days where I relapse. I feel like a failure but you can't tell yourself that. You need to give yourself a break. You'll slip up but it's getting back on track that counts."

And with that Sarah ends her story. Why would Pete make us do this? I can't say what I did and what I'm doing. I'll just get sent straight back to the hospital. You see Sarah she thinks she's getting better. I don't want that. Because getting better means getting fat. Pete says we can get up, get snacks, and chat. Again I'm staying far away from that snack table. Dallon on the other hand grabs a bag of chips and then joins me.

"Oh my god how are you not hungry?" He asks. I shrug, "Had a lot to eat this morning." He shakes his head. "You're insane. I'm obsessed with Lays lightly salted potato chips," Dallon says. "Really? Those are my favorite too." Back when I use to eat. "Want some of mine?" He asks. "No," I laugh. It's not really funny but if I didn't laugh I would sound serious about not wanting to eat. "Whatever you say. More for me." I roll my eyes. Dallon is funny. Like a long lost best friend. "Oh also I was wondering would you want to come to my house after group?" He asks, "Maybe you can tell me all those things you don't want to tell me over text." "I'll ask my mom," I say.

Pete calls us back over to the couches. "I have your guys' new diary sheets. Don't forget to fill them out," Pete says looking at me, "These sheets are important and really do show me if what we're doing here is helping. Thank you all for coming. Have a safe drives home."

Pete releases us back into reality. I walk with Dallon outside. We walk up to my mom's car together. My mom looks up from her book she's reading. "Hey ma I was wondering if I could go to my friends house tonight?" I beg. "I don't know," she says flatly. "I'll have him home back in time for dinner. Please Mrs. Urie?" Dallon asks.

She sighs, "I suppose." "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you mom!" I say jumping up and down. "Thank you Mrs. Urie," Dallon laughs. My mom starts the car and drives away. I run over to Dallon's car. "Get in honey!" He winks at me. Oh my god I really, really like this guy.