Unconditional

Chapter 6 Reality check

But like a fantasy, it didn't last. A few weeks later I got a wakeup call. After I got out of the shower when I finished towel drying my hair...a large clump of my hair was still in the towel. I reminded myself not to panic and that it would probably only happen a few times... I was wrong. Every time I brushed my hair more would fall out. My weeks of wishful thinking were over it was time to come back to reality.

I warned everyone, especially Justin and Colby, when they first found the, cancer, that if I did lose my hair no one was allowed to shave their head! It would upset me not make me feel better. I was freaking out the wedding was in less than a month and my hair was noticeably thinner. So I did the only thing I knew to do.... I called my two best friends.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Jess?" Amber asks for the seventh time.

"Mmhmm." I choke.

"You will look beautiful." Emilee reassures me.

"Of course you will!" Amber agrees.

"You ready?" Emilee asks holding up my brothers' electric razor.

I swallow down the lump in my throat and nod.

Amber holds my hand as Emilee starts shaving my head.

With every strand of hair that fell to the ground it seemed the harder it was to breath. Like you placed a block in my chest. I closed my eyes. The buzzing of the razor rung in my ears and I could feel the cool air hitting my head. The process seamed to last forever like we were being dragged thru sticky syrup as time passed slower, and slower. It was agonizing. Almost as agonizing as waiting for my wedding day to arrive.

"Done." Emilee's voice was quiet.

I was afraid to look. But I slowly opened my eyes in front of the mirror. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at my new reflection.

"Oh no please don't cry!" Amber said.

"For once I agree with Amber don't cry, Jess." Emilee chimed in.

I blocked them out. I carefully lifted my hand to my now bald head. It was my face, tan and slim with the same nose and small lips my eyes were the same, but they stood out more. The green was intensified. I couldn't figure out if I was crying because I lost my hair...or because I didn't look horrible. Or maybe I just felt like crying!

"Jess?" Emilee's voice breaks through my thoughts.

"Huh?..." I ask in a daze- still starring at my reflection.

"Are you, ok?" She asks.

I nod.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this? Oh yeah, because my two best friends are making me! As I look at my reflection in the window of the buildings we pass by, I realize how ridiculous I look in my black hoodie that I have pulled over my head.

"I look ridiculous!" I say.

"No you don't!" Emilee and Amber say in unison.

"I look like -A" I say. Taking some pride in the fact that I resemble the stranger in the black hoodie from Pretty Little Liars.

"You look like a phsycho stalker. Awesome Jess." Emilee says.

We are only a few streets away from Justin's house and my nerves start getting worse. I know it won't matter that much to him, he will love me with or without hair, but it matters to me. I know it shouldn't, but it does. A lot.

I lean against Amber's car with my hood covering my baldness while Emilee and Amber knock on Justin's door.

"Hey." Justin's voice makes me jump.

"Jess has, something, she wants to show you." Emilee says hesitantly.

As Justin walks toward me a small part of me wants to run into his arms but I just timidly walk towards him.

"Are you going to mug me?" Justin jokes.

I can only manage a half smile and a small giggle. I open my mouth to say something but no words come to my mind... I look down find a small amount of courage and raise my hand to my hood and pull it off, revealing my bald head.

Justin doesn't say anything. I stare at the ground. I want to look at him, see his face. I don't. I can't. Something touches my head and makes me look up. Justin, his hand is rubbing my head, the way he used to play with my hair... his eyes; his beautiful hazel eyes are glossy with tears. Not crying yet but close. I've never seen Justin cry- this is the closest I think I'll get. Almost as if he read my thoughts, he sniffles and clears his thought, not one tear escapes. He gently pulls my head down and I feel his lips press on my head. A small sigh of relief.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

"How about this one!?" Asher jokes, holding up an orange wig.

I raise my eyebrows at him.

Emilee, Justin, Amber, and Asher dragged me down to a wig store. They said that since I couldn't wear a hood 24/7 and I didn't like hats, a wig would help. None of the wigs I have seen look like my hair. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"Do you like any of them?" Emilee asks.

I shake my head. "None of them look right on me."

"Maybe you should just not wear anything on your head." Asher suggests.

I look at him.

"What? I mean you don't look bad or anything. Just embrace it."

"Embrace it?" I ask.

"Yeah, embrace the baldness."

I look in the mirror, debating what Asher said. He does have a point; I don't look that bad without hair.

"Asher actually has a point." Emilee admits.

"So? What do you say, Jess?" Asher asks.

"I don't know..." I trail off still looking in the mirror.

"I think it's a good idea." Justin says with a smile.

I smile. "Ok."

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

So maybe being bald isn't that bad. It's not like anyone is going to make a huge deal about it. People I know knew this could happen and people I don't know won't notice. The only person that was a little upset was my parents, but they got over it really fast.

I stand in line at a Starbucks and try to embrace my bald head with confidence.

I can do this. I tell myself.

I was Jess with hair, now I'm Jess without hair- I'm still me.

I feel a tug on my sweater. I look down to see a little girl about six years old.

"What happened to your hair?" The little girl asks.