Unconditional

Chapter 7 Losing The Fight

Ive gotten to the point where I need to find a wedding dress. I havent been losing whet as rapid as I was so I decided that it was time to find a wedding dress. Of course my mother wanted to come with me-and I knew how that would end if it were only her who came, so I invited Emilee. We have already been to at least five different bridal stores and only three gowns total were worth trying on. Because it is fall a lot of the dresses have some sort of sleeve, which I didnt originally want. As picky as I am about food, Im that much pickier about my clothes. You can imagine how picky I am about my wedding gown.

As we enter into, yet another bridal store, I look over the dresses to eliminate ones I dont like. Short dresses are a definite no, only floor length. Now that I do want sleeves Id prefer them to be sheeror sparkly No lace. No ruffles. No frills see what I mean by picky!

How can I help you ladies? a dark completed woman with shiny black hair asks with a smile.

We need a wedding gown. Emilee states.

Emilee! My mother scolds under her breath.

Ok, what size are you? The lady asks, Emilee.

Not for me! Emilee snaps.

Oh, who are we looking for then? The lady asks.

Me. I say waving my hand.

A look crosses the ladies face, and then she quickly regains a composed smile. Oh, what size are you?

Two.

This is one of our most popular gowns in your size-She holds up a sleeveless mermaid style dress with feathers covering the skirt.

No. I say abruptly.

Ok, how about this one? Its a limited addition-This time she holds up a ball gown style dress with lace sleeves.

Next. I interject.

She sighs. Okay! This gown just came in. Now she holds up a gown that was so consumed by ruffles that the dress was almost hidden.

Umm.. Emilee grimaces.

Its beautiful! I say, staring at a gown in the distance that caught my eye.

What!? Emilee chokes.

Not that one! I correct.

Which one? My mother asks.

I walk toward the gown. It was long and flowed like silky water; the sleeves were quarter inch and appeared to be made of floating diamonds. All in all it was surprisingly simple.

Would you like to try it on? The woman asks.

I smile and eagerly nod.

Once I get inside the dressing room and get into the beautiful dress it finally sinks in. I will make it to my wedding day. And it will be perfect. When I walk out of the dressing room and see the smile on both Emilee and my mothers face, my smile grows even bigger. I cant wait to see Justins face when he sees me in this dress!

Is that the one you want? My mother asks with a smile.

I nod, still smiling.

You look incredible Jess! Emilee exclaims.

Ok, go change so I can pay for it. My mother says.

As I take off the beautiful gown it almost makes me sad to hand it over to my mother. The thought that it will soon be mine makes up for it. After my mother takes the dress from me I start putting my jeans and sweater on.

Suddenly a strange feeling comes over me. My head is heavy and the room spins. Emilees face turns to panic and i feel something running from my nose, into my mouth, blood. Everything in me tries to fight the urge to collapse but my knees buckle and I fall to the ground.

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Every ounce of energy has vanished from my body. Even breathing is almost impossible. Every breath I try to take gets caught in my chest and for a minuet I actually think my lungs might be on fire. Suddenly, a montage of images replays in my mind like a movie. Every single moment I tried to remember, now replay vividly in my head. More vivid than I remember. Coffee with Emilee, Justin holding me in my bed, sitting in my window watching the busy city, Justin and I laughing as we walk into school, the laughter of my friends, my brother making me laugh when he took me to my chemo, deciding on cake flavors with Justin, watching the sunrise with Justin, laughing with Justin at the drive in, the newsboys concert, the limo, everything. Once its over pain returns to my head and my lungs, unbearable pain.

My eyes slowly start to open and I see Emilee crying beside me and my mother holding back tears. The unnaturally cold air in my nose stings in my throat, adding to the pain.

Jessica, baby. You can let go. My mother begins to cry.

Like hell if you can! Jess dont let go! You cant! Emilee cries.

My tired eyes search the room for Justin. Where is he? I have to see his face one more time! I fight to keep my eyes open but my body is too weak. My eyes start to close. I was wrongyou can fight cancer. And thats what Im going to do. I choose to fight!

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Perhaps in a way were all dying, every day, we grow closer and closer to that unknown time when we will leave this world. In the same way, though, every day were dying- is a chance to keep living To keep living for the future, keep living for the moments, for the good times and the bad, to keep living for the big things in lifeand the small Because if you really stop and think about it, thats all life is. A big story threaded together by all the small things in life that make it all worth wild. Like the hushed sound of wind rustling leaves, or the way the sunlight slowly rises above the ground and breaks into streams of bright sunlight. Without the small things in lifeit wouldnt be something to hold on to, for as long as you can.

Just when I thought I was gone. When my life had ended, before I could wear that beautiful dress and marry Justinsomething, strange, happened. I lived. For how long I was out, I do not know, but when my eyes drifted open and I saw that gorgeous dress hanging in the window of my hospital room. I knew it wasnt too late. Maybe it was because Justin wasnt there. Whatever reason it was, Im glad it happened.

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Its been two weeks since my, close call, and surprisingly I havent gotten that much worse, but I also havent gotten a whole lot better. Ive had a few more blood transfusions and they have upped my chemo, and everything has seemed to work, so far. Enough of my strength has returned so that I can go about my normal routine. It just takes me a little time to get stuff done, not that I have a lot to do, Justin has hardly left my side since I got out of the hospital.

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Hey girl! Emilees voice calls out.

Hey! I say looking up.

You changed your hair.

I got bored. She says.

Now her hair is the same black but instead of neon green highlights, their blue!

You know I want your hair normal for the wedding right? I laughs.

That wasnt in the contract. She jokes.