Forever My Person

23. It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Everly

"You know it's okay to not be okay." Avery presses.

"I'm fine. I've actually haven't thought about it that much thanks to all this last minute wedding planning." I tell her as I put another name on the seating chart for the reception.

"I'm calling bullshit." She deadpans me.

"Excuse me?" Turning my glare at her.

"Bull. Fucking. Shit."

"It's not bull shit. I've been keeping myself busy. I need to move on from it. The police are taking care of it so there's no need for me to dwell on something I can't change. It happened. Now let's all move on." I shrug.

"I'm still calling bullshit but you know I'm here for you Ev. I feel terrible about what happened and I wasn't there to help you. Thank God for Cohen." I can see tears welling up in her eyes showing how sincere she feels.

I place my hand over hers and squeeze just a little. "It's no ones fault Ave. I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not sure what would've happened to me if Cohen didn't find me and I don't want to think about it but stop blaming yourself. It's me who should be sorry. I ruined your bachelorette night and I feel horrible."

She takes her hand from mine and reaches over from her chair to hug me. I'm so grateful to have a best friend like her. Yes she's blunt with her words but she's the most honest and most loyal person I know. I hate seeing her upset. I'm the one who left the group I should've known better. I'll always be grateful for Cohen everything could've been so much worse.

We sit back down into our chairs wiping stray tears from our faces.

"We really need to get this done. We literally only have a week and half left." I point to the board covered in rainbow tabs and pins for the seating chart.

" I can't believe it's already a week and a half! I'm finally going to be Mrs.Matthews!" She squeals in her seat next to me.

"Let's get this shit done so we're one step closer to getting you down that aisle."

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I take a deep breath and lean my head against my bedroom door. I hate lying to my best friend but she doesn't need to worry about me. She's about to have one of the best days of her life and I don't want to spoil any of it for her.

I make my way to my bed folding back the white plush comforter. I slip underneath and curl my body into myself. I pull Cohen's pillow closer to me. The smell of sandalwood brings me a little comfort that I need. I'm exhausted and it feels good to have some alone time. I need to think without the feeling of being looked after by everyone in the house.

Just a week ago my life was normal now I feel like anyone who knows about what happened is on edge and is scared I'm going to loose it at any second. I guess everyone expects me to some what loose my shit sooner or later.

Every time my eyes begin to drift shut the nightmares begin. The hat, his voice, and those blue eyes are on repeat in my mind. Since the day I left the hospital I've been trying to piece together what happened. I try to pry information out of Cohen but I can see it hurts him to even think about it.

Tears prick my eyes thinking about the pain that crosses Cohen's beautiful face when I mention that night. How could I've been so stupid? I should've been more careful. I should've let Cohen come with me or even stayed with everyone. I caused the one person I least want to feel pain.

Tears stain the pillowcase under my cheek. I'm embarrassed. I'm scared. I'm tired of being tired. I haven't slept since the hospital. Even with me wrapped around Cohen every night peace doesn't take over anymore. I pray every night that the nightmares will subside and everything will go back to the way it was.