Uncertainty // z.m.

Four

Four

___________________   London, 01.10.13 TUE

Dear friend,

I have not been able to close my eyes to sleep for almost three hours, so I decided to write down my thoughts. I don’t care about university tomorrow right now, I’m too paralyzed for that. I met up with him, but I still don’t know his name. Which means he’s still like the dark unknown figure outside your window to me. I was determined to ask this little bit of information of him in exchange for everything he knew about me, but as soon as he was standing in front of me with that merciless facial expression and his frightening aura, I didn’t dare to ask anything.

However, we talked. Well, he talked and I listened to him, me having no other option than agreeing with his ideas. I’m too ashamed to bring it to paper, but I think I have to. I don’t want to know what my parents would have thought about me right now, if they could see me. Sorry mum and dad, I really didn’t want this, I’m being forced by powers I can’t defeat.

He doesn’t think about killing me or something. He said that he believes he has better ways to make me stay quiet about my observations. I have to be honest; I don’t think I would’ve been able to tell anybody about it, even if he didn’t make me. He sees me as someone that he can use for his own purposes. I have to work for them, it’s obviously not only him, but also some others. But first, he said, I have to prove myself. The only thought cursing through my mind the moment he said that, was “Maybe I have a chance at escape, if I somehow prove that I’m not good enough!”, but his next words crashed my hopes. If, by chance, I would disappoint him, then he would find another way of keeping me silent.

Even though I still have some hope left, I secretly know that there is no way out, so I’m already trying to prepare myself for this new life. He taught me some first rules I would have to follow and I’m still in the state of processing everything. According to those rules, he will be my boss and I will get my tasks from him. There will also be a meeting every Sunday, once a month with everybody in this ‘organization’. I don’t even know what to call this! For each task I’ll have two weeks, he said. And if I can’t accomplish one of them I’ll get more tasks to fulfil for the next month.

I’m really scared to ‘work’ for them. I don’t want to be part of criminal activities… Even though they are not necessarily criminal every time, but I still don’t want it. I hope that, at least, he has some mercy and I don’t have to start with these kind of jobs right away. I mean, I still have university and my own job. Oh yes, maybe I should ask how I should manage all of that together, it seems quite impossible to me right now.

I think I’ll need a lot of make up to cover up the bags under my eyes tomorrow for university. I don’t want people to ask silly questions or make any comments. I wouldn’t be able to stand that.