Thoughts I release.

Awake

I lay awake at 3AM from yet another nightmare.
This one was different tho.

——
I had enough of this suffering I was ready. I'm tired. And numb.
I draw the blade one last time over both of my wrist. I grab my note and put it on my bed. Looking at the note I remember how many times I have re-written it so many times before.
But this time is real. I'm doing it and I will succeed this time.

I have the rope is in my left hand an the chair in my right. I drag the chair to my ceiling fan. I Stand on the chair and tie the rope real tight. With no hesitation the rope is around my neck and I'm kicking the chair away. I feel my body tingling, my finger tips to my toes...
I close my eyes after my body kicks into survival mode and relaxes.
For once I'm at peace.

I hear screaming and crying in the distance.
I open my eyes to see my mother hysterical trying to pull my body down. I can hear foot steps behind me. I turn around it's my step father. He ran straight through me to help my mother get me down.

But I'm already gone..

The two most important people to me are both crying holding my lifeless body rocking back and forth on the ground.

I hear the front door open and see it's my two twin sisters.
They can hear our parents crying and screaming.
They run to see.

Sarah is the first to drop to her knees screaming, she kept shouting 'NO THIS CANT BE HAPPENING. THIS CANT BE REAL!!!!!'
She moves to my body and the three are all around my body hugging me. Hoping, wishing I will come back.

I turn to see Naomi shocked. She can't feel anything. Looking at my lifeless face.
She turns runs to the phone and calls a ambulance. She gives them information on where we live but the odd thing is she says there has been two suicide deaths.
I realise what she means.
I am screaming at her not to but she can't hear or feel me. I feel so helpless, more then I have ever felt in my life. Because I know I could of prevented this from happening.

As everyone else is focus on me she runs to her room and locks the door. She grabs her blade and as quick as she can she cuts into her wrist over and over again until I couldn't see any smooth skin.It's all covered in blood. In my lifeless state I am crying begging her to stop, not to do this, for she has her whole life ahead of her.
She then moves to her own bed side table pulls her own suicide note out. She moves the blade to her throat and cuts it open.

Two ambulance rocks up and come running inside one bed in my room and asks where the second body is. Everyone that is still holding my body finally let's go of me and understand what they mean and go running to Naomi's room. Dad breaks the door down and they all drop to there knees once again holding there precious daughter and sister close.

It's been three hours Naomis body and mine are next to each others now.
While our family are still losing it.
Naomi and I are watching them from behind. We are losing it ourselves. If anything we hate ourselves so much more then before....  we have caused them so much pain. And it all started with me.

It is all my fault

I did this to them

How could I be selfish..