Ambivalence • Jayfeather X Reader •

~Jayfeather X Reader~|20|

[Y/W/N] wakes up to Jayfeather at her side with his muzzle buried into her fur. It looked like he hadnt meant to fall asleep, but just ended up collapsing from exhaustion. It seems like he stayed up for a while last night.  She gently licks the fur behind his ears and heads out of the den, craving a mouse. She notices that the warriors are already awake and a hunting patrol is already out. Theres three mice, a vole, a rabbit and a starling on the pile already, probably from lone hunting trips. Though, the rabbit and two of the mice are from yesterday. She decides to leave the rabbit to the elders and rest to the senior warriors. Since she hasnt hunted in a while, she feels kind of guilty, but immediately pulls that aside and replaces it with selfishness. How dare I feel guilt? Briarlight would do anything to hunt for her clan and I can hunt any time I want today, since Jayfeather says I can. I know she likes voles...  I think ill bring it to her. [Y/W/N] picks it up carefully, and a warrior she doesnt know yet sends her a questioning glance. She just points her ears towards the medicine den. He understands this, nods, and continues whatever he was doing. Jayfeathers already grunting and heaving himself on his paws, like [Y/W/N] expected. "Hi!" "Ugh." What a nice conversation! She notices Briarlight carefully grooming herself in her nest. Briarlights fur was always groomed; it was one of the only things she still could do. Jayfeather also notices shes awake. "Briarlight. You still have two legs, get yourself some fresh kill." "Okay, Jayf--" "No need." [Y/W/N] interrupts and drops the the vole next to her. Her eyes light up and she squeals with delight. "Thank you, [Y/W/N]!" "You deserve it." [Y/W/N] lets out a rusty purr and makes sure she sounds firm as she says that. She could see the hurt and guilt in Briarlights gaze that she always had when ever she was given fresh-kill. [Y/W/N] knew Jayfeather tried his best to keep her useful, but it clearly wasnt working. She wasnt destined to be a medicine cat, and herbs are the only thing shes been helping with. "Y-You really think so?" [Y/W/N] looks around jokingly to see if Jayfeathers anywhere near but he already went off to search for herbs or something. "Well, who else would help Jayfeather in the medicine cat without you here? Plus," she gently nudges Briarlight with her paw. "Your, like, one of the only cats that can bypass his grumpiness... Thats saying something." Briarlight lets out a soft chuckle. "Oh! And," [Y/W/N] continues, not even bothering to keep in her thoughts, "You always distract the kits when even their own mothers cant do so. Your also a really fun cat to talk to when somethings wrong. Honestly, Briarlight," [Y/W/N]'s gaze softens and she touches her nose gently to Briarlights. "What would we do without you?" Briarlight quickly licks [Y/W/N]'s shoulder, not really knowing what to do. "Your much better at this than Jayfeather is." "O-Oh?" Though [Y/W/N] liked being complimented as much as other cats did, she didnt like being compared to others. It didnt really effect her, but she prefered it not to happen; she wouldnt point that out right now, of course. "Im going to get some air." "Okay. Thanks for the vole!" "No problem." She steps out of the den once more, and [Y/W/N] hears the bickering of cats among her. [Y/W/N] decides to take a lone hunting trip to cleanse herself; since its her first day free out of the medicine cat den and all after the encounter with Breezepelt,  she wants to go easy on it. She scents a rabbit and drops into a hunting crouch, quickly locating it. She brings up her paw about to blow it out with a quick swipe before another cat gets it first. To her relief, its a Thunderclan cat that she heard was Bumblestripe. Wait... How did I not scent him? "Close," [Y/W/N] flicks one of her ears and lets out an amused purr. "Your fast for your," [Y/W/N] pauses; she eyes him playfully and he tilts his ear. "...size." she finishes. She playfully grins and Bumblestripe blinks, surprised that she wasnt mad about him stealing her catch. "y-yeah..? Here, you can have this kill." He clearly seemed distracted and [Y/W/N] realized he probably was mostly going on a hunt to clear his mind, and she immediately remembers the sadness in his eyes as she saw him with Dovewing. "What? Its clearly and fairly yours." "Yeah... Okay." He continues walking and even though theres a plump vole close to him, he doesnt seem to notice it. "Uhh.. Hey," After [Y/W/N] speaks up he stops walking and just.. stands there. "Do you want to talk about something?" [Y/W/N] wasnt used to supporting cats. Jayfeather hardly ever talked about his doubt the few times he had it and besides him, she didnt remember any other cats that had confided in her. "No, its fine." [Y/W/N] waves her F/C tail. "Alright." she begins walking away but Bumblestripe turns his head back painfully, as if it hurt him to confide in such a random cat. "A-Actually, I do." Will he make up his mind? [Y/W/N] carefully steps back to him, sitting down and wrapping her tail around her paws. "Im listening." "Its just that Dovewing acts like she owns the whole forest! Im trying so hard to show her I care about her but shes not listening to me. Im so close to giving up. Every time I step closer to her, she just backs away and pretends like shes doing nothing offensive! The whole clan notices this and yet she cant." The words pour out of him like theres no tommorrow, and sympathy for this tom floods [Y/W/N]. She calmly licks a paw and drags it over her ear and he looks shamefully at the ground. "Well," she continues, "Your trying. What else can you do? If she cant see that, put your efforts with another she-cat. I know you care for her and all, but those feelings are basically worthless if she doesnt feel the same." Bumblestripe seemed to suck in each word she said, reviewing each one carefully. He looks at her thoughtfully which confuses her for a moment but says nothing. Though, a well-known grumpy tom knew exactly why Bumblestripe was glancing at her that way. He might have not been able to see it, but he can feel emotions. [Y/W/N] sighs and gets up to draw her tail along Bumblestripes spine. "Look, your a good cat. Dont waste your time on something that was destined not to happen." [Y/W/N] begins to walk away, with Bumblestripes eyes still set on her. The last thing she heard him mutter, most likely to himself was "She kind of sounds like a starclan cat..." She continues walking silently and gracefully, sniffing every here and there to see if there are still any sleeping mice. She ends up finding a few birds. A few days ago, she realized she was one of the few cats in Thunderclan that knew how to hunt prey that didnt live on the forest floor. This includes fish. She has hunted fish before, but mostly for fun; she didnt dare put her muzzle on the disgusting creatures. She ended up finding a nest of voles. They werent that old, but they definitely werent young; she caught three along with a  shrew, a wagtail, a magpie and a young, plump squirrel at the end of her hunt. Squirrelflight loves young squirrels. Wait, doesnt Brambleclaw as well? Ill just tell them to share it. Not like ill have to... [Y/W/N] immediately feels a twinge of sadness. She knows that even if it was the coldest night in leaf-bare, that pair of mates would give up every ounce of fresh-kill they had left for the other. She smirks at herself, though, for catching so much prey in such a short span of time. Maybe ill even catch a fish for the apprentices in the stream... Molepaw and Cherrypaw will be so disgusted but definitely wont hesitate to try it. She steps towards the river, looking for a decent sized fish to catch. She almost immediately spots a near-huge one. Woah...! Ive never seen a fish so big. Well, its not big enough for me! [Y/W/N] flattens herself against the ground, and when the fish is focusing on something at the bottom of the stream, she grabs it and kills it quickly. Eugh! It tastes horrible... Why did I do this again? [Y/W/N] gags and just takes it to the fresh kill pile anyways. She gets weird looks from the warriors around her. Bumblestripe pads over to her in awe, but still makes a funny remark like he always seemed to do with cats. "Are you secretly a riverclan cat?" "Luckily im not, smart-ears." For a moment Bumblestripe actually thought she was offended and draws in a sharp breath. "S-Sorry, I--" "Calm down!" when [Y/W/N] looks back up at him with the playfullness glinting in her eyes, he looks like hes about to faint of relief. Why the fox-dung is this cat so dramatic? "Thats so big, though." "Aha! Not big enough for me." [Y/W/N] flicks her tail sassily in a humorous manner. "I bet I could do better." "Oh really?" "Watch me!" "Ide like to see you try and catch a fish. You would probably fall in the stream." "H-Hey! That only happen once. Once!" "Knew it." "... Once." [Y/W/N]'s whiskers twitch in amusement and she begins to turn back to the forest to get the rest of her prey, flicking her tail under his chin before she pads off. She finds where she buried her prey, taking them back to the fresh kill pile around two at a time. Basically, it took three trips in total. Her squirrel was last, which she was now taking to Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight. They were murmuring to eachother lovingly with their tails interwined and their heads close together. [Y/W/N], again, struggles to hide her jealousy but happily trods towards them. "Hey!" They take notice of her, and their expressions brighten. "Hi, [Y/W/N]!" Squirrelflight mews. "I caught this for both of you to share." "Thank you!" Brambleclaw nudges it towards Squirrelflight. "You can have the first bite..." is the last thing [Y/W/N] heard before she heads back to the fresh-kill pile. She planned to get something for Jayfeather but ends up deciding to flop down on her side, dramatically pawing at randomly coming warriors. Firestar begins calling a border patrol. "[Y/W/N], Bumblestripe, Cinderheart, Blossomfall, and Lionblaze." [Y/W/N] immediately leaps up onto her paws and happily leaps over to the groups of cats. Due to previously being a loner, [Y/W/N] is pretty hard at sensing emotions that arent sadness and fear through just scents. Because of this, she isnt seeing what the other cats saw so obviously about Bumblestripe; and she wasnt seeing that ever since she arrived, he hardly noticed Dovewing. As she was remarking the borders with the other cats, [Y/W/N] couldnt help notice Bumblestripe constantly. trying to. stay. at. her. side. He was trying to be normal about it so she wouldnt notice, but she noticed, and she was kind of creeped out but comforted at the same time. Usually Jayfeather was the only cat that was comfortable being that close to her. And then it hits her. No, im being completely mouse-brained. Thats what Jayfeather would say, right? He usually knows the right answer as much as I hate admitting it. Bumblestripes only worried because I just got out of the medicine den... Friends worry, right? [Y/W/N] figures she should just ignore it and enjoy the company. Even though [Y/W/N] wanted a mate one day, she wasnt sure she was ready yet. ... And Bumblestripe? Hes a great cat and a great warrior, but shes not into cats like him. She felt the same way for Breezepelt, and Zapper was old enough to be her fathers father. Plus, that would have been disgusting. Bumblestripe seems to get nervous and step away from her side, and [Y/W/N] realizes she was letting her pelt heat up. No! He noticed it, didnt he? Not even bothering to think, [Y/W/N] simply presses against his flank again. He flinches not out of discomfort but surprise, and doesnt pull away. The other cats in the patrol dont really notice whats going on between them and [Y/W/N] is kind of thankful. Briarlight has been winking at her lately and she does not need any other cats doing the same thing.  Bumblestripe understood that she still wasnt that used to being with other cats and interacting with so many, so he didnt really mind it when she did something unusual. "Dont worry. It'll get easier soon. You'll begin to find this normal." Bumblestripe murmurs softly. Lionblaze seemed to hear this and perks his ears, turning his head towards [Y/W/N] and Bumblestripe. He immediately saw the awkwardness between Bumblestripe and [Y/W/N]. Though he doesnt seem that happy about it at first due to an.. Unknown reason, his mood is soon lifted. [Y/W/N] mouths "help me" while making sure Bumblestripe doesnt notice it and he almost falls over laughing. Though, he still looked uncomfortable. Like he knew something they didnt. That didnt involve Bumblestripe. Maybe hardly even [Y/W/N]. Something he couldnt tell for his life.  They just continue the border patrol with [Y/W/N]'s head bent in a weird position the whole time and Bumblestripe studying his paws. They get to camp, already seeing the sun set again. She drags herself towards the fresh kill pile, picking up a rabbit she could probably share with Jayfeather. She wasnt with him much today; actually now that she thinks about it, she hadnt seen him all day except when she woke up and felt absolutely horrible about it. After picking up its limp body, she takes it towards the medicine cat den. Jayfeather seemed to be staring. At a wall. He literally was just.. Staring at the wall.

It kind of scared her. "NOTICE ME." He falls over and begins looking around frantically as if he expected to see who said that. "Want to share?" pretending like nothing even happen, [Y/W/N] nudges the rabbit towards him. This rabbit wasnt the one from yesterday. This is the one Bumblestripe caught. Lionblazes scent is super fresh. Did he step on a thorn? [Y/W/N] cant smell any blood. Jayfeather stares at the rabbit.
[Y/W/N] nudges it towards him more. "You need to eat." He flicks his tail. "Im not hungry." "Eat it." "I said im not hungry." "You smell like you havent eaten at all today! I dont give a rats tail if your hungry or not. Eat the rabbit." "Im. Not. Hungry." He literally looks like hes about to rip off her muzzle with his claws unsheathed. Though he usually was grumpy, he normally wasnt like this. Hurt nags at
[Y/W/N]. "Fine. S-See if I care." Though Jayfeather literally knows how shes feeling, she still doesnt hesitate to try and hide it. Which fails miserably. "Im sorry, okay? I havent gotten much sleep and the whole clan having to depend on me doesnt help." He mutters something to himself but [Y/W/N] doesnt pick it up. "Well, do you want something else? Theres a vole on the pile, too." "No, the rabbits fine." He sighs but holds out his tail to call her next to him. They share the rabbit in silence and its already dark. "Thanks for sharing with me, Jayfeather. Have a good night!" She gives his shoulder a friendly lick. "Yeah." ... Okay then. After making her way out, [Y/W/N] steps into the warriors den, longing taking over her. Her worries easily fade away and she goes to her nest that seemed to be freshly made by what smelled like Cherrypaw. As [Y/W/N] begins to think herself to sleep enjoying the sleeping warriors next to her, the happiness she feels pushes away the gentle winds drifting into the den. She can hardly feel the cold. She missed sleeping in the warriors den. She missed the snoring warriors around her, that violently clawed at her tail if she made a wrong step. [Y/W/N] smiles to herself. She begins thinking about what she was thinking about earlier; her choice of a mate. She knew she might want to in the future and should plan ahead. The comforting thoughts of having someone to rely on begin to nourish her mind and she feels a type of warmth she never thought she would feel.

Her mind trails off to the tom shes known all her life, even if she didnt realize it  previously.

And she cant help but feel her heart skip a beat.