My story

Absence pt.1

***trigger warning.
If you CANNOT handle the mentions of suicide or suicidal thoughts/tendencies, this chapter IS NOT for you****

I remember it clearly.
I remember the thoughts running through my mind.
Today's date is February 25th, 2019.
And four years ago, on this exact date, I could've and would've never seen myself living to see the next morning.
How could I forget the date?
It's my best friends birthday.

I'm sorry I missed your dinner, your party, saying happy birthday to you that morning before I left.
I'm sorry I left you on your big day.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good best friend that day.

I was a freshman, and I was struggling.
School was stressing me out, that older senior boy scared me so much, the guy I dated dumped me because I was depressed, I was being bullied daily, I began to cut myself more.
Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was at my limit.
I remember the aches covering my body. The blood dripping in the running water throughout most of my showers that year.
I've had enough.
I'm tired of it.
I'm failing my classes, my parents see me as a disappointment, my friends bully me, strangers bully me, my teachers bully me, no one dates me because I'm fat and ugly.
I wouldn't want to me either.

That day 4 years ago, I woke up as usual at 5am. Was ready by 6, and was at school by 6:30 for my zero period.
I was almost accustomed to ditching that class, so it wasn't unusual for my absent seat.
I ran and found my favorite hiding place. I sat there for a bit, scratching at the healing wounds all over my body. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I just wanted to scream.
I thought today would be like all my other days. But I didn't know I reached my breaking point until it was too late.

My day went on, the typical shoves in the hallway. The anxiety from my classes, people making mean comments, the dirty looks I was given. It was at lunch, where my mind just went somewhere bad.
The thoughts couldn't stop.

"Kill yourself, no one will care"
"You're a waste of space."
"Not even your parents love you."
"She won't miss you today."
"Failure."
"Fatass ugly bitch."
"You're always too much no wonder no one wants you."
"You deserve the pain you give yourself."
"Just do it..."

The bell rang, dismissing lunch, and guiding us to 5th period.
The faces were blurry as I made my way down stairs to history. The voices overwhelming me with conversations.
The classroom was cold as I entered and sat in the back.
I remember my hands shaking, my breathing was short, my mind was racing.
I remember asking to use the restroom, and taking a broken blade with me that I found.
I got up and left the classroom, hiding that blade in my pocket.
I made it to the restroom, and let myself bleed through so many sheets of toilet paper. My thighs were covered, my stomach in pain. Blood dropped into the toilet, and I cried.
I was so close to just slitting my throat and wrists, just end it.
I heard a voice call out into the restroom. A soft voice.
I automatically threw the blade I had, and froze in terror. I rushed and cleaned my mess, before answering back shaking.
"Are you okay? I thought I heard you crying?"
I responded shortly.
"I'm fine. Really had stomach ache."

I heard the footsteps leave the restroom, and I was terrified someone else would walk in.
I left the restroom and rushed to the classroom.
I reached out and told someone that I was feeling suicidal. That I almost killed myself just a second ago in the restroom.
I was automatically taken out of class, and pulled into the school office.
Multiple staff members walked on eggshells around me as I burst into tears. Shaking uncontrollably as I couldn't breathe and wanted to hurt myself more.
My mom was called from work, and immediately rushed to me.
She hugged me so tightly, and I remember being in so much pain. I cried so hard as I saw her.
She'll surely be even more disappointed in me now.
She took me home to drop off my bag, and admitted me to the hospital.

I was taken into the hospital right away. Changing into a gown, having to give blood, and do multiple tests.
I remember being there for around 3 Days, with doctors and nurses constantly coming in and out.
My mom stayed by my side through out it all.
I remember not being able to sleep, feeling so numb and cold.
I remember my moms worried and tired face.
I remember her sleeping next to me, sandwiched in my small hospital bed.

I remember her tears the day they strapped me to my bed and took me away in an ambulance to that psychiatric hospital.