My story

To you, L

***trigger warning.
If you CANNOT handle the topic of depression, or death, this chapter IS NOT for you***

I never meant to be the one to hurt you, ever.
And I know it's a shitty excuse to say that,
'It's me, it's not you.'
But it was true.
It was always me.
My self hatred ruined your trust, and broke me more than you will ever know.

We started dating in May, the end of sophomore year.
We started out well, lots of laughter and just genuine friendship with each other.
And I now will openly admit, that I was insecure since day 1.
You knew lots of girls, pretty ones.
You were close to many, and I was so nervous because I knew I wasn't as pretty as some, I wasn't as skinny as some, I didn't have big boobs like some.
I was just me, and I felt I wasn't good enough.

And it didn't help, that at the time, I was confused about myself.
My feminine side was prominent at times, but I also had this masculine side, if you will.
I was extremely confused as to who I was, or at least who I felt I was.

But L understood, and was accepting.
He stuck with me through that confusion and supported whatever made me happy.

As our relationship went along, I felt this love for him.
But now that I think about it, I don't think I was as in love with him as I thought.
It was a strong puppy love.
But, nonetheless, it was still love.
At times, we both fantasized of getting married.
We would talk about what it COULD be.

And now, I can be honest.
Did I really see my life with this boy?
Well, yes, and no.
I saw myself enjoying life in that present moment with him, and seeing how it could last.
But getting married? No.
I couldn't see myself getting married, or growing old.
If I couldn't even see myself, how could I picture it with anyone else?

But for the sake of liking the idea too much and not wanting to hurt this boy I cared about, I mindlessly agreed with him.

And that was my first mistake, was letting my ideas get the best of me, when I myself wasn't 100% certain of myself.

After months of being together, things got intimate.
But we didn't ever go as far as having sex.
We almost did, but, there just never seemed to be a right time or moment.
Maybe we just weren't meant for that.
And that's okay.

Within a while during dating, things started to become negative at home.
My depression became more severe behind closed doors, and I became too nervous to speak up, for I didn't want to be sent away again or be put on medication again.
I cried myself to sleep nights on end, and didn't tell a single person about it.
I relapsed, and began hurting myself again.
But no one knew, and I let everyone think I was okay.

Then, junior started.
L and I were still together, but things started becoming rocky as my mental health plummeted once again.
He tried his best to be there for me, but I was too broken.
I was hurting too much and he was lost when it came to trying to help me.
I became more aggressive at times, and more hostile.
I let my negative thoughts affect me more than they should've.
I let the insecurities eat me up, and I didn't tell him what I was feeling.

I didn't like knowing he looked at other girls on social media.
I didn't like that he would always hang out with my friend alone.
I didn't like a lot of things that were going on.
But I bottled it up, until now.

A bit before Halloween, my mom and I had a funny feeling about a family member, so we visited her right?
And next thing you know, we found out she was very sick.
A frail little old lady with a heart of gold, slowly falling.
And it hurt so much, to see her fall.
And to see my mom so hurt, and upset.

My mom spent days on end with my great grandma at the hospital.
We all knew it but didn't want to admit it.
Time was limited, and we had to learn to say goodbye.

Due to watching my family member slowly whither away, my depression became even more aggressive.
I was rhyming constant with L.
I was constantly isolating myself.
I bottled it all up and snapped at anyone who tried to be nice.

And then it happened.
At her home, all immediate family gathered to say goodbye to her.
And it was such a coincidence that all the people who loved her most, happened to be at her house with her as she passed.
I can still hear the loud cries and screams from her bedroom as my grandma and aunts and uncle freaked out.
I remember everyone bursting into tears and sobs echoing throughout the house.
I remember having to hold my sister because her legs gave out on her the second everything happened.
But I stood there, numb, and in denial.
It felt surreal.
Not one tear rolled down my cheek.
But I swear I felt my heart stop, and the room around me moved in slow motion.
My ears rang, and I looked around.
Everyone was crying, hugging each other, storming outside, trying to catch their breath.
And I just stood there, numb.

The car ride home was silent, and filled with occasional sniffles and the radio playing quietly.
And it's a car ride I will never forget.
Just feeling the sadness in the air, almost being able to taste it.

That was my breaking point.

I wasn't feeling much anymore, and I was lost.
I was always angry with everyone, and look it out on anyone that approached me,
Including L.

We got into so many arguments because we both started becoming hostile with each other.
And I just didn't want to be with him anymore.
I didn't want to be close to anyone.