My story

this is what heartbreak is...

***trigger warning.
If you DO NOT do well with the topics of suicide/suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, cheating, or manipulation, this chapter IS NOT for you***

September, 2018.
That's a month I'll never forget.

That's the first time, I've felt myself break into many pieces.
He was my first, and maybe most painful heartbreak.

In mid September, my grandparents offered for me to join them on a few day trip to Vegas.
I agreed right away, being excited I could be with them and bond with them.
It was to be just us 3, and I was extremely excited.

So soon after being asked, we went along on the trip.
I spent the day before leaving with Michael, because he said he couldn't bare to be apart from me.
Well that, and his constant reminders of how I'm supposed to behave while out there.
No flirting with guys, no drinking, no cheating, no sexy clothing, just him telling me all these things.
He always said he did it to protect me.
And I was naive enough to believe him, despite how much it irritated me at times to accept his 'rules'.

But I listened mindlessly and blindly as usual.

The trip was fun.
Walking around with my grandparents, exploring with them, staying up late.
Just being able to be with them in such a fun atmosphere was something I didn't want to end.

Around halfway through our trip, we went out at night to walk around Fremont Street and just look around.
Then Michael texted me out of the blue, saying that we needed to talk when I got back to the hotel room.

My heart skipped a beat at his sudden serious tone.
Did I do something wrong already?
Was it because of the shorts I wore were too short?
Or was it because I was out in a crowded place and he maybe thought I was with someone else?

So many things raced through my mind, thinking that it was something I did.
Not for a second did I think it could be him to have something bad to say.

We all headed back to the hotel room around 10:30pm, and I started changing into some comfy clothes while my grandparents asked if I'd be okay being alone for a couple hours while they go play with the slot machines downstairs.
I told them I'd be fine, and that I'd lock the door and all.
Plus, it was just convenient that they were leaving when I needed to talk to Michael.

So I told him I was alone, and asked if everything was okay.
He said no, and said I need to just hear him out.
My heart was just pounding by the point, I was so lost with what was going on and just wanted to know what the hell was going on.

And nothing could have prepared me for the pain that overcame me.

The second I read the first line of the text he sent me, my body tensed up, and my phone hit the floor.
My mind raced, I knew exactly where this was going, and I just froze.

I picked my phone up from the floor and read the first line again.
"So before us, you know, I was so in love with Valerie, she was my first ever love was special to me..."
My mouth went dry and I just forced myself to read the rest.

My eyes stung with tears threatening to spill over any second. My throat was clenched and my body was stone.

Michael has Bering cheating on me the entire relationship, with his ex girlfriend Valerie.
And what made it so much worse, is that she was aware of me and him being together.
She was just trying to win him over completely while he was with me.

I collapsed onto the bed and began sobbing so hard.
He called me, and he was crying too.
He kept apologizing and saying he never meant to hurt me.
He kept saying how much he loves me.
And how it was her trying to come back.
How it was a mistake.
He threw ALL the blame on her, and was begging me to stay.

I ignored him, I hung up, and cried myself to sleep that night in the hotel room.

The rest of the couple days I spent on the trip, I barely ate, and I cried a lot.
My grandparents felt so helpless and didn't know how to help me.
I feel so guilty for them having to deal with me hysterically crying.

At one point, when they went to get coffee, I even considered killing my self because I didn't want to keep hurting.

Every fucked up, most self deprecating thought just sunk my mind.
He likes her better because she's so much skinnier.
He likes her better because she has pretty eyes unlike mine.
She has pretty pink lips, straight teeth, and freckles.
She was a bit short, and not some big ugly giant like me right?
Maybe he only felt bad for me and that's why he dated me.
Maybe he pities me.
Maybe if I lose weight and stop eating hell love me.
Maybe if i do everything he wants, he will be happy and love only me.

My grandparents and I left Vegas and I was dropped off at home right away.
I locked myself away for day's, and ignored Michael's calls and texts.
I didn't even know what to feel.
I just didn't want to feel.

I relapsed, and self harmed within the weeks we stayed apart.
cutting myself in places i could hide it.

One day, I caved into him. He just kept calling, and I still felt so dependent on him.
Almost like Stockholm syndrome.
And I was so desperate to not hurt anymore, to just want everything to go back to this, shitty, blind relationship I had before he admitted to cheating on me.
I just wanted him.
He was all I felt I had left.

His plan, his game, he won, and I didn't even realize I was only a pawn he was controlling for his own pleasure.
He had me cut off all my friends because he wanted me to only see him as my best friend, and he always said he only wanted me to leave toxic people.
I was dependent on him for the concept of friendship.
He controlled my appearance, aiming at my insecurities and highlighting them, saying he was the only one that will ever love me for who I am. He made me feel like I wasn't wanted by anyone at all, and that he was my only option for love.

He knew exactly what he did, and what he was going.
And because I was in so much hurt, and was blinded by all the mixed emotions, I gladly leapt back into his arms.
I held the hands that tore me apart, in hopes of them possibly putting me back together.

But he just let go of all the broken pieces, and tried to rebuild us from scratch.

And I let him, knowing very well I shouldn't have.

I was too far down this rabbit hole with him, that when things started getting worse, I didn't tell a single soul about how I really felt, and what was really going on.

But, now he's not here to tell me no anymore.

And here's, to how he broke me.