My story

Absence pt.2

***trigger warning***

The car ride to the psychiatric hospital was long, and kinda boring.
I remember being strapped to my bed, and being put in the back.
The emt that was with me in the back was a younger man. He was very nice to me, and tried his best to make me feel comfortable.
I remember the songs that played from their playlist.
I can't hear those songs normally anymore. Even to this day, I can listen to those songs, and get a quick flashback from that drive.

I remember getting to the hospital, and automatically being taken into a room where I was physically checked, asked so many questions, and had to give some blood.
Asking how old my scars a cuts were, what my motives were, why I'm here.
I was honest.
I told them I self harm because I deserve it, and how at times my depression numbs me so much, to a point where this is my only feeling; physical pain.
I told them I was suicidal, and for a bit all I thought about was ways to end it.
I remember the nurse just nodding, and giving me the okay to where I would be staying.
She showed me down the hallway to my room, where the bathroom is, where the showers are, and where the lunch/hang out room is.

I felt so alone. I sat in the hang out room as the patients that were already there had fun socializing.
The more I looked around, I realized that people of the opposite sex aren't allowed to talk to each other, at all.
A young red headed girl came up to me, and started talking to me. She was very nice and introduced me to every one.
I automatically became friends with all the girls in the room.
They were all very interesting. We had to head to our rooms for something, I don't remember why. I was roomed with 2 other girls.
One was almost 18, and she was in for drug abuse.
The other, she was on for major self harm, and was 16.
They were nice girls, the best room mates I could ask for.

The first day of visiting was something I'll never forget.
Seeing my mom and just hugging her, hating that I couldn't see her as much as I wanted.
Seeing my best friend, my younger sister, and just bursting into tears.
I remember hugging her so tightly as she cried with me. I felt so guilty for missing her birthday. I remember not wanting to let go of her, ashamed because I haven't seen her in days, and she has to see me this way.
I remember seeing my dad, and hugging him so tightly. Feeling such warmth in his arms.
I remember crying because security didn't want to let in my little sister, because she was too young.
Staying here isn't where I want to be.
I want to be better, and be home.