My story

Blind

December of 2018, has by far been the hardest month of my life.

Being treated so badly by everyone around me, and always breaking down.
No one seeing the masks I put on.
No one knowing what really happened.
It sucked because everyone judged me so hard for staying with Michael, not knowing how scared I was.

How different I was becoming after getting back together with him.
Everyone around me was so blind.
And I felt so hopeless, because I lost my voice.
Everyone putting this blame on me, and looking at me like I'm this idiot.
But no one knew, how stuck I felt.

And I already struggle to open up, and tell people about myself.
But now this made me not want to open up even more, because in the end people still try to blame me for letting it get bad.

It has been around a year and a half since that month, and now im barely able to actually talk about what really happened.
Well not exactly talk, because I still physically struggle to get the words out without being a sobbing mess.
I still have nightmares of him.
I still feel my tears, I still remember the taste in his fingers as me shut me up.
I still remember the blood on my fingertips and in my underwear.
I remember the moment, or feeling myself completely shatter.
I still remember that feeling of my neck being strained as a chain was wrapped around it.

I can't think back on those and be moved on completely. They still give me the worst of anxiety attacks, and the worst of nights.
There's still sleepless nights because my mind goes to bad things.

About the blood shed, about the tears and endless nights of crying.
The times I would've not been here anymore.
About how the boy I trusted, took it all away from me.
How so much happened as I grew up, but this one boy just took all of me, and threw me to the ground and shattered me.

Many people now still won't believe what I have gone through.
Most will learn it as they go.
The people around me, will react differently when they find out.

I wore my mask so confident at times, that  no one bothered to look deeper into cracks that began to cover it.

And the second I put this all out, and put it where more people can know me, it will be much more than just words.

I will be a story, i will be words to strangers,
I will be a person who is a victim of the harsh things in life.
The people around me will no longer be blind to what I really am now.
And that's absolutely terrifying, because it's  a good amount of time later to me, and will be all new news to everyone else.